Talking to our children

When I separated my son was 3, I did not explain why we left daddy, what could I say youre dad is abusive?. We moved in with grann and I told him we would stay with gran for a while and then get our own place which we did. But

his behaviour was still strange, very introvert, pooing on the floor, still on the bottle and still using nappies. This continued on and off until our car accident in May 04. When my son became very aggressive after it, I begged a child psych to check him out. Its just shock was the answer. But come on, he was stuttering by this point, wetting himself worse than ever and behaving totally out of character. (some of this I was later to learn was from allergies). At last I was referred to a sandtray therapist. She talked to me then shane and do you know what my son told her after playing in the sand. He was angry with mummy for leaving daddy and he was mad at mummy for not stopping the car and saving him in the accident. I was astounded. He was angry? I saved him both times. I nearly died trying to stop a car (travelling backwards with him it in ) with my body. Why was he angry at me??

THe answer was I had never explained. I had assumed he understood. The second session I had his dad sit in on. It was really painful for Brad as the counsellor pointed out that Shane had PTSD and that had started with witnessing daddy scream/hurt mummy and the car accident had been the final straw.

Crunch time, we had to pull together and help our boy. Firstly, we told him how we loved him and I explained that mummy was sad and daddy was sad and shaney was sad and that now we were all happy. We would always be a family but that we could not live together anymore.

To explain the car accident and why I could not save him, we got him to hold a bag of potatoes he could not possibly lift and told him he had to lift it. When he could not he understood but  explained that mummy had tried desperately to save him and had been injured so badly that I had to let the car go. He was also afraid because daddy had yelled and he thought daddy was angry with him and I explained daddy was afraid that shaney was badly hurt and had screamed in fear.

Shaney finally understood, although it took lots of time. the stuttering stopped, the motor tic stopped, the nervous grunt, the shaking foot, the wetting self and pooing etc etc. The allergies took care of the rest. He still has anxiety issues and adhd but we explain things clearly and thats the key. Shane understands his alergies he knows what he is allergic to and what it will do. etc. Most importantly he knows that brad and I splitting up was our choice and had nothing to do with not loving our boy. THat his mum loved him so much she was prepared to die to save him ad that his dad loves him very much also.

We have our trials but talking to our son has solved most problems.