Navigating Relationships with Toxic Inlaws

In-laws.  They can be a source of wonderful love and support or anger and frustration.  Learning how to deal to deal with toxic in-laws can be very difficult.  You may be asking why I am discussing this as it is unrelated to parenting.  Oh, so not true. 

Consider this, the young girl who grows up witnessing domestic violence between her mother and father who then ends up in an abusive relationship as an adult.  Or the child who grows up in a home with an alcoholic parent who enters into a marriage with an alcoholic as well.  Or perhaps, the child who witnesses verbal abuse between his parents and then ends up in a relationship where he/she is verbally abused. 

Of course, this is not to say that it is the destiny of every child who witnesses or experiences the things in these scenarios to end up this way, but in my experience, it increases the likelihood greatly.  We seek out what we know, sometimes even when we know it isn't good.  Familiarity can sometimes out weigh logic.  I want to make sure I am clear about how toxic relationships CAN affect our parenting. 

So, let's talk about in-laws.  Now I know there are some out there who have wonderful relationships with your in-laws and enjoy their company.  Lucky you!  But I also know that there are many out there who can't stand their in-laws and consider this relationship to be toxic, either to them, their spouse (who often doesn't see it) or to their children.

Here are some important things to keep in mind about in-laws:

• They are your spouse's parents so they must have some good qualities.  After all, they raised the individual with whom you have chosen to share your life.
• Don't bad mouth your spouse's family to him.  Even though he may be aware that his parents are overbearing, rude or whatever the case, they are still his parents and in most situations, he will want to defend them.

So what can you do to navigate a toxic relationship with in-law?

• Pick and choose your battles.  Some things are not worth starting an argument about.  Little passive aggressive comments behind your back or to your spouse may not be worth addressing, but making disrespectful comments to you in front of your kids?  I don't think so.
• If the relationship is particularly contentious, discuss your concerns with your spouse.  It is not acceptable for his parents to disrespect either of you in your home or in front of your children.  Your spouse should address this directly with his parents, even though he may not want to.  And likewise, you should be the one to discuss any issues between your spouse and your parents.  One of the most difficult things that we sometimes have to do in marriage is stand up to our parents when they have stepped out of line with our spouse or children.
• If you are able to do so in a calm and respectful fashion, try talking to your in-laws directly about how you feel, e.g., "I feel hurt when you make negative comments about my housekeeping."  Even though it may not stop them from continuing, expressing your feelings in itself be empowering.
• If the in-laws are receptive to the discussion (you agree to disagree about things), set some ground rules, e.g., we agree not to talk negatively about each other in front of the kids, etc.
• If the contentious behavior does not stop, you and your spouse will need to discuss how to proceed.  You need to come to a compromise that both of you can live with, e.g., your husband takes the kids over for visits with his parents without you, etc.
• We don't have to like our in-laws, but we should be cordial to them for the sake of our children.  They love their grandparents unconditionally and could become confused by negative comments or statements by you.  They may feel that they are betraying you by going with their grandparents despite the fact that they love and enjoy being with them.
• Along the same lines, don't talk negatively about the grandparents in front of your kids for the exact same reason.

Of course a caveat to this discussion would be situations where contact with in-laws put your child at risk of abuse, neglect or emotional trauma.  Your child's physical and emotional well being is the number one priority.

How do you get along with your in-laws?  Have you had to have a tough conversation with them and if so, how did it go?