Do YOU know the danger signals most often displayed by a potential abuser? I didn’t & so when I stepped into his trap I was held captive for around 20 years… My children & I both suffered at the hand of the man I had thought was my
‘Knight in Shining Armour’… In hindsight I now recognize the behavior patterns he displayed that should have been a red light to me.
This is my story
When I first met my ex I was in a very vulnerable position; living in a caravan with my baby daughter alone after my first husband & I separated. I had no money, owed 2 weeks rent & Christmas was a week away. I’d just gotten off the phone from my Dad who had refused me a loan & I was distraught. I didn’t know what to do as I had never learned how to work the system & welfare was not available until you were separated for 6 months in those days.
Cutting a long story short… my ex came along & told me not to worry; he took care of the rent arrears & offered me a place to stay until I got on my feet. Silly me, I accepted his offer, packed up my stuff & went with him.
In the beginning all seemed to be fine… He treated both my daughter & I well & seemed to really care about what happened to us. This is the “getting you hooked stage” of an abusive relationship.
Being a service man, it wasn’t long before we were in a legally recognized defacto relationship & living in an army house.
During the first year I saw my mother twice. The next year once… then I didn’t see her again for about 20 years. In the early years it didn’t bother me, because I’d been kicked out of home at 16 & my ex explained that my parents didn’t care about me… he asked me questions like ‘where they were when you needed help’, etc. I listened to him believing that he knew what was best for me; I mean he ‘cared’ & was ‘looking out for my best interests’.
Within 2 years of getting together he was discharged from the Army & we moved into private housing. In the beginning I tried to make friends with people as I was feeling a little lonely; sadly my ex always found some fault with them & asked me not to see them. If I insisted he would either get sulky & tell me that I didn’t care about his feelings or get angry & he wasn’t nice when he got angry. He told me that he didn’t like meeting new people, preferring his ‘old friends.’ Problem was he only had 2 childhood friends that he bothered with so my social circle just continued to dwindle. At least in the army there were events that we had to participate in, now there was nothing. I was totally isolated… NO family, NO friends, just my ex. He started his own business & insisted that the kids & I go on jobs with him. If I wasn’t with him he EXPECTED me to stay at home… I was not allowed to work, have my own bank account, or go out anywhere without his permission. It got worse when the mobile phone came into use as he would ring me at least every ½ hour & want to know where I was.
Every area in our lives was eventually dominated by this man. He came home one day & ripped every item of clothing I possessed to shreds. From that day on both my daughter & I had to wear what he selected.
Our lives became an endless drudgery… chores, school work, & the hobbies HE enjoyed. Thankfully he liked camping so at least we got to see a bit of Australia, but it was always off on backward trails by ourselves… The children & I were at his beck & call. When he said jump we said how high. We learned to walk ‘on egg shells’, afraid that one wrong word or action would set him off.
After about 12 years together he decided that we would start attending the local church. This meant 3 services on a Sunday, one on a Friday night, one on a Wednesday night, plus bible college as he wanted to become a Youth Pastor. People soon got to know this really nice, CHRISTIAN man who would go out of his way to help anyone. This opened the way for me to start doing some volunteer work during the day while the kids were at school. He didn’t like it, but if he wanted to become a Pastor he had to allow it. The kids & I actually looked forward to the meetings as it became our only escape from the drudgery at home… He began taking the pastors & their families out for lunch after meetings & use the week’s food money to pay for their meals. To him, everything was about appearances. Somehow he got us believing that this was the way things were meant to be, that the man was the head of the household & that God expected us to be TOTALLY OBEDIENT to him. Once he made my son destroy all his birthday presents with a lump hammer because he spoke back to him. I cried & cried but the kids & I couldn’t see a way out of our situation. Religion does that to you sometimes… I tried to talk to the Pastors once but I was told that my husband was a good man & God wanted me to stay in the situation he had put me into.
Through personal experience I know what an abusive relationship is… My children really suffered physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually because I made a bad choice when I was younger. I've chosen to leave out a lot of details for their sakes. Both my daughter & I have spent countless hours in counselling; my son still keeps his emotions tightly bottled up fearful that if he allows them to escape he will explode…
PLEASE NOTE:
Some of the following advice has been directly copied from http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page17.html
What do you need to know:
Emotional abuse includes insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea.
Abusers will isolate you from friends & family, tell you how to dress & try to control all other areas of your life. They don’t view you as an equal because they see themselves as smarter or socially superior. They get jealous when there is no reason, often are physically violent with a Jekyll & Hyde personality (meaning they are kind one minute & cruel the next…) in the end an abuser intimidates you that much that you begin changing your behaviour in order not to anger them. They are masters of the ‘blame game’ convincing their victims that they are responsible for the predicament they are in…
Please remember if abuse has happened once, it is very likely to reoccur & to get worse each time.
The thing that upsets me is that children that have grown up in a violent home will often become abusers themselves… 76% of these children end up with criminal records. Around 50% will experiment with drugs or alcohol & 7% will attempt suicide.
If & when you do become involved with someone new, please keep in mind the acting abilities of most abusers. There's a chance you won't experience his abusive side until he's sure he has you "hooked."
Ideally, a good time frame to be alone & work on your recovery is two to three years. An old adage states that we should live through the four seasons before becoming involved with someone new. If you think about it... it does make a lot of sense. The four seasons are, indeed, a cleansing of sorts... providing you with valuable healing time to do your inner work & the time to rebuild your life in a positive healthy way.
You could also try checking out the following websites
http://web.rochelle.net/html/acs/portfolio/hope/hpws.html
http://www.dvresources.org/?page=25
A final word – I’ve been divorced from my ex for 7 years now. The last thing he said to me when I told him to leave was that I would never make it without him. Thankfully I didn’t believe that lie. It wasn’t easy as I had to learn everything from scratch & I do mean everything. Today I am a stronger person & really do like my independence . I’m thankful to my kids who became my teachers.
