Follow on article to 'Abusive Relationships - Do you know the danger signals?' which I hope you will take time to read prior to reading this article...
I was asked a few interesting questions when I wrote the first part of this Article which I am attempting to
answer here. They included
- Do I think about whether an abuser might want to change?
- Where can an abuser go for help?
- What about Women who abuse?
Q1) Do I think about whether an abuser might want to change?
A1) There are times they probably really do feel sorry for what they’ve done, you know… like when they’re sitting in a prison cell, afraid of what might happen to them. Knowing that they are probably going to be locked up for years!
This is called Remorse which is an emotional expression of personal regret that is, the emotion felt by the injurer after he or she has injured.
While in Prison my Ex sent several letters to my son, telling him me how sorry he was that things had turned out the way they had, how he had lost everything. He kept going on about how other prisoners were being hurt & how scared he was, but he never once apologized for what he had actually done to his family. Each week the letters would be the same filled with sad tales of woe; his cell was too small, he had no money, etc. Despite the fact that he was undertaking mandatory counselling the man never really got it that in order to truly be sorry for ones actions you need to have ‘follow through’. He got re-married about a month into his prison term & for awhile his new wife would keep ringing my son while drunk, begging him to go see his father.
There is a big difference between remorse & repentance. According to wikipedia Repentance is the feeling & act in which one recognizes & tries to right a wrong, or gain forgiveness from someone that they wronged. It always includes an admission of guilt, & also includes at least one of: a solemn promise or resolve not to repeat the offence; an attempt to make restitution for the wrong, or in some way to reverse the harmful effects of the wrong where possible.
In each of my ex’s letters to my son he tried to manipulate him… My son read some of those letters to me; (I think he wanted me to understand why he was so screwed up...) In each one there were extremely graphic descriptions of things that were happening to the other prisoners… Personally I think it was my ex’s way of saying to my son ‘Look what your mother’s done to me, feel sorry for me, etc. Thankfully the prison authorities intervened & my ex was told he was not to try to contact us again.
So do I think an abuser wants to change… probably at that ‘moment’ when they look back & see their partner huddled in a corner in fear, bleeding… bones broken… or occasionally when their child shakes in fear when they are called into the room. I mean they are human after all. (Or are they?) My ex would occasionally say to me that that he didn’t want to do the things he did, but no matter how much he might have wanted to change his old behaviour kept coming back. The underlying problems need to be addressed & in order for this to be done the abuser must really want to change.
Even with the abuser undergoing counselling the destructive force he has imprinted on the victim’s life, leaves them never able to truly respect, trust or feel safe with that person again…
Q2) Where can an abuser go for help?
There are many places an abuser can go for help. If they are serious your family Doctor can refer them to a good Psychiatrist trained in these matters. He would also know the appropriate organizations in your area that can assist.
The question I would ask is more Does Counselling Help an Abuser Change His Ways?
A good response from the ‘Emerge’ Counselling & Education to Stop Domestic Violence website
http://www.emergedv.com/abuserfaq.html#2)%20DOES%20BATTERER%20INTERVENTION%20WORK?
Q) DOES ABUSER EDUCATION WORK?
A) This question is commonly asked, but does not have a simple answer. Abuser education programs may work for those people who take the information and use it to stop harming others.
A comparable question might be 'Does education and treatment for drinking and driving offenders really work?' The answer would also be similar: someone who truly wants to stop drinking will work to do so. Someone who doesn't take such services seriously is at greater risk to re-offend.
Q3) What about Women who abuse?
A3) The final comment I need to make is this… We often only think of men as the Abusers, but women can be abusers to…
The following interesting comments are taken from an article entitled ‘Women As Verbal Abusers’ © 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD
http://www.mtoomey.com/verbalabusers.html
A verbally abusive woman, is a bold woman who has dared to rebel.
Very often those women who have the fire to rebel have also had the misfortune of having abuse and violence to rebel against. This is a formula for becoming an abuser as well. Knowing only the pattern of attack or counterattack, rebellious abused women learn the lesson of destroy or be destroyed. Having rejected the role of victim, they frequently take the only other role available in this destructive duel, that of victimizer. Since they are often not the physically strongest opponent, the weapon of choice of abusive women is usually verbal assault, and they often become skilled slashers and crushers of spirits.
Another interesting website states that some 65% of women reported that they regularly hit their husbands. Of course no real man can complain that his wife is assaulting him as he will not be believed. http://www.canlaw.com/rights/whokills.htm
