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ADVICE RATING |
    4.54 (Highly recommend) from 29 votes (1298 Visits) |
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Dealing with Criticism from Other Parents |
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"Opinions are like bottoms. Everyone has one, but no one wants to hear them."
Although the above statement is very true, most people don't abide by it. When it comes to childrearing, EVERYONE has an opinion and often times these opinions are actually defenses of one's own parenting choices.
When my husband and I became parents we were at the mercy of all those who had children before us. My husband and I are attachment parents. We believe that we should be proactive in determining our child's needs. We co-sleep, and wear her in a sling. We hold her a lot and we do not let her cry. Of course, when we get around family we are constantly being told that we are spoiling our daughter or that we are making mistakes doing this or that. At first, I would nod and smile and say OK, but I got tired of the implication that
(1) we were bad parents and
(2) that we have to do everything the way everyone else does.
So, I devised a system of responding.
Advice from paretns with OLDER (15+) children
When parent swho have experience parenting infants more than 15 years ago my response is as follows:
"things have changed since your children were this age. In fact, many studies have shown that there are different ways to do things now. It doesn't mean that what you did was wrong, it just means that there is more information now."
Advice from parents with children the same age
Of course you will get advice from parents who have children who are the same age as yours. Most of the time the advice is more of a way of getting validation. I usually respond in the following way:
"That's interesting. Unfortunately, MiMi doesn't like (insert action/thing here). She is really picky." OR "I've tried that, but MiMi is far too determined to have things her way."
Advice from those who don't have children
This group is very opinionated. For some reason people without children seem to think they hav eall the answers. I have very little patience with this group. Here is my standard response:
"That is good in theory, but in practice it is not as easy." OR "that works when the child is not yours but when you are dealing with your own child things get trickier.
I have learned never to defend my choices. I make decisions based on what I think is best for my daughter, on what my doctor says, and on my personal beliefs. I don't apologize for my choices (even if they are wrong- we all make mistakes) nor do I justify them to anyone other than my husband. When dealing with criticism from other parents, it is important to stand firm to your beliefs and to let then know that you are comfotable with your decisions. If all else fails, smile and walk away.
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ADVICE RATING |
    4.54 (Highly recommend) from 29 votes |
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Parent is best expert on their own child? mmm reservations
"A parent is the best expert on their own child ....they as the child's parents are the experts on their child! Parents are the ones with the most insight into how their child deals with a different situations. As a parent you know your own child better than anyone else."
"The best person to parent
The best parent to parent your children is you."
I think those are quite sweeping statements. I wouldn't encourage anyone to believe that they are an "expert" on children - their own or anybody elses.
Each child is unique - each parent is unique - you can and will make mistakes. You can say someone is a most commited and dedicated parent but i don't agree that anyone can be an expert on another human being.
In fact it seems few people even know themselves let alone their children.
Understanding the needs of a baby on an instinctive close parental bond level is very different to assuming you are an expert on your 5, 10, 16year old
TV shows, newspaper and magazines, recovery centres, psychiatry couches are full of adults who felt their parents never really understood them.
abusive neglegent parents aside, there are those people who will tell you that although their parents meant well...etc
Apart from deaths and the disability aspect of it, the fostering and adoption statistics also suggest there is no blanket rule of thumb that because you give birth you are an expect on that child and the best person to raise them.
All parents can benefit from listening and considering other ways of doing things, and continually striving to be the best parent they can be.
It is good to be confident of your parental ability and this confidence comes automatically and well - deserved to the parent who has researched and heard a variety of opinions and weighed them all up
but it is dangerous to assume that you know whats best, by virtue of the fact that you gave birth.
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LOVE will help
Since children do not come to us with instructions or rules, each parent must decide how to raise their own. It is good to listen to other's points of view but you don't have to do what anyone else wants you to do. If the person giving you advice has had success with their children, then think about what they have to say. If their children are in jail or rehab, or strung out on drugs or alcohol, I would rethink the matter about whether their advice is viable or not. You might want to do the opposite of what they did. However, every child is different and each has his/her own personality/ So, what works for one may not work on another.
I raised three sons and each one had a different attitude and personality. I had to treat each one differently. What worked on one son did not work on another. No one can make a set of rules to raise all children. It won't work!
Even some things that were suggested by my family did not work. You have to decide for yourself what you want to do with regard to your child/children. You can ask for help if you are terrified or uncertain, but also consider who you ask and why. Sometimes well-meaning family or friends will give advice that is not helpful at all - and sometimes it will be helpful. Age does not always mean they have the best advice. Most people will give advice judging only by their life experiences.
If you followed someone's advice and it worked well for you, congratulation are in order. If not, keep trying. Remember love will win in the long run. Children can never get too much love. I really mean LOVE not spoiling by letting them have everything they want, when they want it. You have make them understand as much as possible by explaining things to them. Why they cannot have something or do not need something they want. Just saying 'NO' will not suffice.
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Great advice
My mother was here for the first three weeks of our sons life.... And she kept pretty tight lipped about every thing.. She was so funny.... I'd do something and you could see she wanted to say something but would not... I would ask her what it was and she would start by saying "This is what I did with you when you were a baby then tell me or show me something I did not know.....
I mean come on mum, he was three weeks old, I never had a baby before please help me... I said this to her and she said to me that she did not want to be someone who always butted in.. I just explained she is my mother and if I find her advice great I'll use it, if not after three weeks she won't be there and she'd have no idea if I did what she suggested so it did not really matter.... She laughed and started to tell me all sorts of things, which was just fantastic....
Every one has advice and not all of it is good for every one, but that is where we have to learn to sift though what we think is good, take it all with a grain of salt, say thank you and if it works for you great, if not then just say thanks you'll try it.. That way you won't offened anyone, and every one feels like they are helping you in some slight way.. I found this all out when I went out for dinner with our son for the first time with a bunch of already mothers.. There was lots of advice coming from all different directions, and some clashed with others.. But in the end I just listened said thank you and when I got home sifted through it all...
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