Supporting someone through the loss of a child...

The day of my daughter Jessica's Birthday approaches...... I found alot of my friends did not know what to say to me or to show me the support they so much wanted to.......You see Jess was born on the 2nd of February in 1995 this is her birthday and also the anniversary of the day she died........

Jess was stillborn.....She was my third child.....I felt back then that I was all alone in this experience but as the years have gone by and I have talked to more people I have realized I am no where near alone in this........ There are thousands of other people out there who like me who have felt the same emotions and pain that I too have.........

I have also learnt why alot of people who I felt were being incensitive and did not want to support me did not want to talk about it...... Because if you have never lost a child what can you say to someone who has.....how can you ever begin to know what they want you to say or do....... I thought it might be a good idea......to write a few points about what I think might have helped me instead of my friends not talking about it and just trying to pretend it never happened.........

This is a summary  of some of the things I would have liked someone to do for me and maybe if this ever arises for you to support someone through this, you can get some ideas......I would have liked to have been able to talk about it........Just be listened to......offered a shoulder and just listened to..... My whole world had crashed and I needed someone just to hear me....... Someone to be there when I packed away the things I had in my nursery for Jess...... Some people would have wanted to be alone and some people would have got someone else to do this for them.....but I wanted someone to jsut be there with me........... I would have liked someone to ask me how I was and to let me talk again about it.....not to tell me it was probably gods way of getting rid of something that was not perfect or that everything happens for a reason......I wanted someone to be angry with me about what had happened...... People did not visit me especially my pregnant friends or the ones with kids becaus ethey did not want to hurt me or feel they were rubbing it in my face that they had healty kids and my baby was gone......I wish that did not happen....it made me feel like everyone was avoiding me.......This is probably not what I needed to feel at the time.....One of my friends who did come over bought her daughter with her....her daughter asked me where was my baby and why was I crying and was told to hush by her mum but I wanted to tell her..... I wanted her to know....... not to wonder why I was having a baby one day and not the next week........

My advice to you is  if you are ever in the position that you need to support someone who has had the misfortune of going through this experience is to treat them as any other person who is greiving.....people are under the misconception that when a child is stillborn or is misscarried that it is different to losing a person that has breathed and lived......Well it is not.....That child belonged to that family........They are greiving for a death of a child....... their child........and they need people around them to talk to and to listen...... or jsut to be there........For the whole family the mum, the dad and any other children in the family becasue they will all be affected......

I have friends now who remember Jess's birthday with me 12 years down the track......who are quite happy to talk to me about it and who even want to stay with us to light my candle with me and my children for our lost member of our family....... And that is what I need.......

I hope that something in here can help someone understand what they can do to help someone going through this.......

Dedicated to Jessica Sue(angel baby)
2/2/95
Cheers