ADVICE RATING |
 4.88 (Highly recommend) from 12 votes (303 Visits) |
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Drama Queen Rx |
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by jenlemen  (January 2007) (rank 10th) |
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I have decided that my worst parenting mistake so far must be keeping my eight year old in good ole Washington DC instead of cashing in on the drama out in Hollywood, California. I swear we could drop any concerns about retirement and put all our eggs in the show
biz basket and start cleaning up big time. Thankfully, there's Lindsay Lohan on the cover of every gossip magazine to remind me that life as a child star means rehab is just a few years away. Sorry, Mad, we'll just have to do the best we can out of the limelight here on the East Coast.
Here are a few things I tell myself when Madeleine is responding to life's every turn with drama, drama, drama:
- Some of this is normal. Notice I say "some." :) Madeleine has been an expressive child since birth. It only makes sense that her capacity for self-expression would grow right along with her verbal and reasoning skills. She's got the full range of emotions going from across the spectrum and that's a good thing. My work is to channel her energy, not squelch it. Understanding (and honoring) her as a naturally dramatic person helps me put this behavior in perspective.
- Just because Madeleine is in hysterics doesn't mean I have to be. High strung kids can pull everyone else into their drama in no time. Before you know it, you're pacing, emoting, yelling, and throwing your hands around for emphasis, too. I find it helps Madeleine most when I take a calm, quiet and somewhat detached demeanor. She's caught up in her own emotion, but Mom is doing just fine. This conveys a natural boundary that gives her confidence and something to count on. Not an easy posture for me, but I'm learning.
- It's okay to step away from the fire. Sometimes Madeleine is too upset/tired/animated and/or offended to really entertain any other point of view. In these cases, things go better if I'm empathetic ("I can see you are really having a hard time") and clear ("I'm not going to talk about this until I have a chance to calm down myself and think it through") in the midst of her storm. By giving myself a little timeout to process, I offer an example of how to get through heavy-duty emotions. Just because Madeleine's intensity is turned way up doesn't mean I need to react immediately. Giving myself time to think helps both of us.
- Try passing notes. When Madeleine is really upset about something, sometimes we communicate best through writing. At eight, she's just learning the brilliance of the phrase "circle yes or no." By writing back and forth, we can boil things down to the underlying issues and say the most important things on our minds. Most of the time her outburst is connected to a tiny need she's feeling too big to own up to, like--"I need more alone time" or "I need quiet time with mom". These are the kinds of things that notes bring to the surface.
- Don't feed the elephants. There's an disproportionate amount of media/books/music focused on the insecure girl, desperate for reassurance and approval. While I understand that much of this is designed to validate feelings and help girls get on towards empowerment, sometimes I wonder if we're telling our girls that it's normal to be unsure of themselves--that part of growing up is playing the part of the tenative ingenue, afraid of the world. I've decided to pretty much ignore all dramatic episodes connected to appearance, peer approval and fitting in. It feels too much lilke something out of an afternoon special. Instead, I am very matter-of-fact that this is a drama you can skip if you want to by focusing on building your social and academic skills instead. So far, so good. Madeleine is listening hard when I tell her that this classic "girl" behavior doesn't have to be her destiny.
- Invite competence. Girls learn early on that tears and hurt feelings melt even the toughest opponent. I want i to draw her strength from her ability to speak her mind and say her needs clearly, not manipulate with pure emotion. When I sense her drama is more about getting her way than owning her needs, I always ask her to be more direct. Sometimes it takes time to get to the bottom of things, but I try to save my best attention for when she's ready for me to help her process what's really going on inside. Without an audience, all the theatrics just don't get you anywhere.
- Cry if you want to. Sometimes our drama queens are tuned into the big feelings that we long ago learned how to stamp out. It's okay to spend a little time in meltdown mode until the waves wash you back to shore. A gentle bubble bath is the perfect place to get it all out while doing some important self-nurture at the same time. Madeleine is learning how to self-soothe--an important skill for grownups as well.
What do you do with your drama queen? I need all the help I can get in the comments below.
