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As I sit here and write this, my mother lays in a hospital bed for the first time in over 25 years. Mum is doing fine but I couldn’t have said the same last night. After having tea together my mother collapsed in an area, I was unable to access
and when I could, I was only able to reach her with one arm. I was not able to find a pulse to begin with, she had been sick and choking and was unconscious for around 30 seconds. I thought I had lost my mother. I went through the motions - cleared the airway, tilted the head and called for an ambulance. I stroked my mother’s hair and kept telling her that everything was ok, I had help coming and that I loved her. Seconds before the ambos arrived mum came around.
Moment Paused…she was alive – I shut my eyes for just a second and sighed…Thank you God…
During that 30 seconds I ran through my ‘mental guilt list’ of all the things I regretted saying and doing that night, day, week, month, year – you get the picture. I began to get angry with myself for becoming frustrated the other day when she demanded my attention and asked me to go down to her house (we only live up the road from each other). I became angry with how life gets such a hold on you that it takes you in a different direction to those you love the most. I became scared that I had lost my mother and that I couldn’t change any of this.
As parents ourselves, we hold expectations and have our own personal agenda which often does not fit into the lives of our children. We become disappointed with each year our children find another type of independence that requires us to step back a notch and we hold onto them in hope that they will always need us. We never turn off, we offer advice even when they don’t want to hear it. We tell them things that they perceive as ‘picking on them’ and we are accused of being over-protective, badgering and resistant to our children growing up. We are parents.
As adult children we sometimes become tiered of our parent’s expectations, we have our own agenda that often does not fit into that of our parents. We become frustrated at the advice given by them. We often feel that they are second guessing us, picking on us and overly critical on our own parenting, house-keeping and the way we dress even. We are children.
Somewhere in the middle, is a happy medium, a point where both as parents and children, we understand and accept this and because we are, to a certain degree, our parents or vision of.
I know this is different for some, I understand that there are those who don’t have this kind of relationship and I get that there are those who are beyond the pettiness of Child vs. Parent – but I am also aware of many who stand in my shoes, who think and have thought like myself. Those of us who cringe at the times we expect a visit from parents and dart around in order to clean our home, which I aptly call my ‘mother proud’ clean – only to be disappointed in that she still finds one thing you didn’t do right….that one thing that makes us feel inadequate but in actual fact, its just a way – her way - of making herself still feed needed.
Watching our parents’ age is not easy. We sometimes delve into denial with each of their birthday as to admit they are getting old/er, we admit to a reality we dare not temp fate with. As our parents’ age, we become a little overwhelmed with how more dependent they really are on you and your help. We can also become a little frustrated as this disappearing independence can sometimes impact our lives – take up more time than we have and diverts our attention away from where we originally focused.
However, what do we want? What do we see in store for ourselves when we reach this age? Who do we want to go for help when we reach our parents time in life? Who would you feel more comfortable with? I know I would hope my children were the first to say, ‘Hey mum, is there anything you want me to do?’ I would much prefer so help from my children than a total stranger.
However much you try avoiding the subject, just as I had, someday one or even both parents will not be as independent as you are accustomed to. The questions you need to ask yourself, and possibly other family members is, “How prepared are you going to be for when this time happens upon you?” and “What part will you play?”
Talk to your Parents
Before something happens and you loose the choice of being able to discuss these matters with Mum or Dad talk to them, ask, and discuss such things as:
What their wants and needs are.
What are their wishes if they are incapacitated or/and unable to live at home or alone.
What options they want or can explore.
Be Aware and Consider
Don’t try and take over your parent’s life. They may be aging but they still are your parents and they still deserve the right to make their own choices/decisions, providing that they are mentally capable of doing so that is.
Do not take for granted that they have adjusted to their age and changes in life style just because they have lived it. Loosing independence is not easy for anyone.
Protect but don’t over-protect. This can be demoralizing to the parent.
Don’t take over their life – be apart of it and the many changes that will occur.
Ask before doing and don’t just take on roles you think they are having difficulties with as this can undermine them and their capabilities.
Always Remember
- Aging in not an illness, don’t treat it as such
- It’s OK to feel trapped and guilty as things may become demanding can be extremely overwhelm for you.
- Talk openly and honestly with your parents.
- Do not become too involved as you want to encourage their independence and regardless of how little that may be.
Be an example for your children as one day it may be them reading this advice...
(January 2007) (
Lexi xxx
