The Key to Your Child's Heart: Child-Directed Play

Many times as parents we don't understand why our children seem unaffected (or downright ungrateful!) after an afternoon or weekend of kid-focused activities.  We make plans with our children specifically in mind and then spend a serious amount of time and energy to bring joy to their lives.  All this effort--not to mention money--and no one seems that much happier or more bonded as a family.   This isn't always the case, but when we have these moments at our house, I know it's time for some kid sponsored "Mom and Me" time.

Think about it.  Even as an adult, haven't you had times with friends--or maybe your spouse--when someone did something very nice for you but it really wasn't the thing you needed to feel close to that person?  As adults, we have the ability to give ourselves little speeches and explain the disconnect.  But things go so much better when the communication is clear from the get-go.  That's why child-directed play is so effective for family closeness.   And experts like Dr. Stanley Greenspan of floortime fame assure us that this is not just a matter of making kids and parents feel good--children who have the opportunity to take the lead in play also see boosts in emotional intelligence and brain development as well.

We've been so conditioned to take charge in our parenting that it can be quite an adjustment to let your kids take the lead.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

• Let your kids know ahead of time.  At first thought, my kids are positive they want to do something complicated with me like build a complex fort in the backyard or start a small business.  But given a little time, they always come back to the simplest games--like pillow fight or a kitchen dance party.  By giving them heads up, I can be assured that they are picking some activity that they really love. 
  
• Simple is sweet.  I'm always glad when I ask my kids first before executing the idea I have in my head.  I'm thinking museums, public transit, cafes and taxis and they're thinking a half-gallon of ice cream and three spoons.  Over and over again I'm amazed at how easily they come up with fun, simple activities that are truly bonding experiences.  By trusting their instincts, I find the short way to family happiness--and save myself hours of energy wasted.
• Limits are a-okay.   I wish I could be less uptight on some points--like playing hairdresser for hours on end with gooey gel in my hair--but sometimes I have to draw the line.  My kids understand mom isn't five anymore, even when she's giving it her best shot at remembering.  I have a "no water, no goo" policy when my kids are coming up with our next great adventure.
• Sometimes the fun is in the failing.  I've noticed that anytime you give kids carte blanche on how they'd like to spend time together, eventually the "you-aren't-doing-it-right" game comes up.  This game is very fun, but only if you understand that the joy is in the failing.  In this game, your child makes up a game and you try to play.  Mid-way through the rules change and you receive new instructions.  Adopt the new rules and suddenly the game changes again.  Kids live in a world where adults have total control over their activities.  This game is one way for kids to feel smart and in charge.  You'll do best if you sink into and make your failures an occasion for comedy and high drama.
• Start short so you can go long.  My kids have a knack for picking some game or activity that drives me slightly mad, so I've learned the hard way to offer short bursts of time when they're the ones in charge.  I can wrestle for 15 minutes and stay in a good mood much better than I can run around the house for an hour.  It's easier to be present when you offer an amount of time you can easily remain agreeable.
• Silly is super-glue.  The key to my child-directed play success is being willing to play the fool.  When I can let go of decorum and sink into the absurdity of child's play, my kids are delighted and I feel our bond deepen.  Since in real life I am a super-directive/consequences-are-real kind of mom, my kids love seeing the softer, silly side of me when we play.

Okay, gotta get back to learning how to glide in Madeleine's Heely's!  For more inspiration, check out my hero Lawrence Cohen of Playful Parenting.

What do you think about child-directed play?  Appealing?  Exhausting?  Scandalous?  Leave your true blue opinion in the comments below.