Wishing she was dead instead of a failure as a mother....

K Tiana comes home from school today screaming at John and I was unable to understand her fully after I got to the bottom of it all it seems people were coming up to Tiana today and giving her their condolences for the death of her mother........John has told people

When a child feels rejected by a parent a lot of survival skills kick into place, skills which help the child deal with parental behaviour they are unable to understand. One of these survival skills is anger, something which is all too often confused and dealt with as an emotion rather than the latter.

Being angry is so much easier than having to face what ever the issue may be. Out bursts such as ‘my mother is dead’ is a way in which a child will deal with conflict they can not control and is also used as protective layer, it helps put the truth at rest…even if its only temporarily. It’s also used as a method to stop people asking questions. Kids would rather others their age think that their ‘mum is dead’ rather than their mother is a let down, a failure – or worst still – absent. Admitting such things only leads to more questions. Telling someone they died, well that shorten the list of possible questions asked.

One of the first steps, which I would take anyway, would be to talk to any other siblings. Explain where this outburst stems from and ask for their patience and understanding. Acknowledge how this has made them feel, acknowledge their emotions and anger they may have towards the same parent but then explain how we all cope differently and how some use this method as a way to do just that. Point out that you understand that they have all experienced similar, if not the same, feelings…despite the difference in how they handled them and commend them for it, but enforce the difference of coping for each individual.

The next step would be to talk to him. Explain that you understand where he is coming from and why he has said this, but point out that he has other siblings to consider. Go through how is actions can affect others and being this is so, what other ways can he think of that help deal with his emotions and without hurting those he doesn’t mean to. This is a great opportunity to explain how to direct anger without casualties. Unfortunately anger is so volatile that there is normally someone, someone innocent that gets hurt. In this case it’s the sister. He just needs to be able to have someone point that out calmly and rationally….

He may not totally understand why he has said this. He may not understand what he is protecting himself from by saying it either and you may need to encourage a few conversations for him to acknowledge and accept these reasons.

If he is willing to write, make and give him a ‘grudge book’. I know this may sound terrible but it is not always easy to get teens to write let alone write in a journal about their feelings. Most just think it’s far too girly or mushy and won’t go near the idea.  I created a ‘grudge book’ for one of my teens who said pretty much the same thing. He was ok with writing in it because it was going to be about grudges not emotions….at this age most don’t recognise that these are much the same thing. They don’t realize that the same out come will be achieved and that it’s a window into how they are feeling, coping and what they are having difficulties in accepting.

Suggest that he write his mother a letter, one which he doesn’t have to post, that tells her how he feels, how she has made him feel. A letter that demands that she take responsibility for the role she has played in his life.

Also encourage him to recognise that by reacting to the situation in any way negative, is giving her power. This is something he needs to take back from her. He needs to be able to find a way that empowers him to stand tall and strong - emotionally strong - so this woman can not take anything more from him. Understanding that this is obtainable is just one more step in the healing process.

Good Luck matey, I hope the helps, even if it’s just a little bit….