Have you heard the story of the mum who put her child to bed on the eve of his 13th birthday, and when she woke him the next morning he had turned into a MONSTER!!!
Well its True!!!!!!!
Ok so I'm kidding!
Or am I ????
In some instances, this is exactly what does happen, your sweet, loving child turn overnight into a sulky, stroppy, angry, whinging, teenager! Their hormones have kicked in and to a large extent they just can't help it but as parents we can help them!
Most teens when you ask them , don't even know themselves why they behave like they do, speak to you like they do or push the boundaries like they do.
So What can we as parents do to help them through this phase?
Set Realistic Boundaries
My house, my rules!!! Whilst this sounds arrogant to a teenager when a parent says this to them, reassure them that the boundaries are there for their protection too, My teens were allowed out at weekends later but on school nights there was strict times to be in. Failure to match those times, bore consequences, If, however, there was a genuine reason for the lateness then I expected a call or text with notice they were going to be late and the reason. No treating anyone in the home with disrespect, each member of the house has the same rights to be treated correctly, if they don't treat others in the family with respect then they were not due any respect in return.
Respect their Space
Don't go through their things unless in extreme circumstances, they want to feel you Trust them. I controlled my teens a lot by using three little words as they would leave the house "I Trust You" Ok six little words, I'm a Mum and so I can't let them go without saying "I Love You" either
Teach their sibling to respect their space and property too. If they have a bedroom to themselves then there is no reason for siblings to go into their room unless invited, but , if they share a room, make it clear they have to respect each others space and property within the room too. Also accept that sometimes they just enjoy their own company. Sometimes it really is best to leave them on their own, you can still keep checking on them but not in an intrusive way.
Friends
Ok so we may not like all our teens friends, but set an example, if our teen likes these friends, maybe they can see an attribute we can't, they are going to be all the more determined to hang around with them anyway if you ask them not to, so get to know all their friends. Be hospitable and welcoming, again set the house rules, I won't allow bad language in my home and my teens friends all respect that, I have not heard any of their friends using language around me, Be fun! Join in with their banter, be interested in their lives but also be sensitive to the fact that you do not want to embarrass your own teen.
Encourage
Everyone likes to feel valued in the family. Especially the teens, If you notice a kind act towards another member of the family, flatter them, show them you noticed and it was appreciated. When they talk about their future dreams, encourage them to reach their full potential and encourage them to stay focused to achieve the career they are hoping to get involved in. In their hobbies, encourage and support them and praise them.
Be Tolerant
How many times did it use to annoy you when your parents said "In my day......"
So don't say it! Our teens are not extensions of ourselves, they are individuals with their own dreams and aspirations so accept
Times Change they will do things different from when we were teens ourselves
. Remember the pressures and confusions we had as teens and multiply it because that is where your
teen will be. Pick your battles, some things are just not worth arguing over, so leave it and discuss it on a calmer moment rather than another yelling match.
Don't be too Proud
Ok so you have had a row... you're not speaking....doors are slamming.....you get the picture. Don't hold grudges! Try to understand where they are coming from and look at the bigger picture through their eyes, then talk to them in a calm way. Tell them you love them but what they did was wrong, give reasons, hear them out, give them chance to answer. Sometimes in the heat of the moment you may have said something you regret too,
Apologise!!!!
Keep the lines of Communication Open
Make yourself available with a non judgemental, listening ear. i once had a conversation with my Mum and she said when we were all children she used to think the worst thing to happen would be an unplanned pregnancy! My reply to her was no the worst thing to happen as a parent would be for my child to be in any kind of trouble, yet feel they couldn't talk to me!
Remember: Teens are Fun too, its not all bad, and the bad times are usually easier after a deep breath rather than jumping in.
The rewards for building on a relationship with your teen are so fruitful, they are becoming little adults and capable of being your friends too.
(February 2007) (
