My daughter and I have a system of communicating our grievances without an unnecessary argument

My daughter who I love dearly can be quite volatile (to say the least!!!!)

Getting her to hear my side of events without her blowing up or losing it, used to

be a constant battle, the arguments we had........... most of them so unnecessary, as one or the other of us used to cut in with a comment without listening to the whole story we would both be so busy defending our own corner that we would end up arguing about something completely different!!!

So Now We Write It Down

If one of us is aware of a situation brewing, we write down what we think the problem may be and leave it for the other to read, that way we can read the comments, think about it, decide if they have a point, if they do, think of ways to make it right, if they don't, think of ways to find out what they may think what they do. When we have our thoughts together, we then write back another note in answer, this can go on until one of us feels the time is right to talk about it either face to face or over a phone. This way we miss out all the angry words and instead get together when we both want to put things right.

Why this works

No yelling, no shouting, no hurtful words that cannot be taken back

How this works

We both get to make our points, we both get to hear the other party's points, we get time to think of the correct response, we find the right time to sort our issues out

When this works

Obviously this can only work if there are issues that are simmering, but these tend to be the worst kind when you do argue, you have by then got very angry and also resentful, we now don't get to that point. If I come home from anywhere and this is a not left I can sit with a coffee (to re charge brain) I can read the problem over and over until I understand the problem better, I then can write a response, I usually leave it a few minutes then re read my response, if I think it sounds harsh or angry or cutting or even wishy washy I can start again until I am happy

When It Doesn't Work

If my daughter comes home in a bad mood from work, yells at everyone, slams the doors, breaks anything etc etc, then is not the time to write a little not saying "please don't do that honey!!!!!" That is when you step in and say what is on your mind, you can still be pleasant and un argumentative, then walk away.

This system works great for me and my daughter, its really worth a try.
Our relationship is better than it has ever been. We trust each other and respect each other.
Of course we still argue but the hurtful words and comments are only a small percentage of what they used to be.