Mummy, we don't want to go to daddy's anymore.......

These words rang though my ears several years ago from my two eldest children after a visiting with their father for a weekend. I can’t say that I was shocked as my ex-husband was an extremely moody and nasty

I was aware that I would be up for contempt of court if I did not relinquish the children as stipulated, I was aware that this could mean a jail sentence…something my lawyer continually reminded me of…and I was aware that my children, who were only 10 and 12 at the time, were as serious as the repercussions of not following these orders…..

I remember staying awake for all night trying to work out some way of getting over this and without 1. Getting into trouble myself and 2. Without causing any further stress for the children. It was an extremely messy situation and one which a lot of parents find themselves in.

Despite the seriousness of being in contempt of court - I chose not to let my children go. I believed and still do, that they had every right and every say in whether they were to go to their father’s house or not. This is and was not a decision that can be made by parents alone, the children need to voice their desire and worries as well as being heard.

You can not control what the other parent says, does and accuses you of. I was accused of keeping his children from him, brainwashing them, turning them against him…you name it, it was said. He stood out the front of my home screaming abuse, threatening me, threatening me with the police and he did so for an hour and without any thought of what he was doing to the children. Mind you, the affect his ranting had on them was also my fault as I wouldn’t give the children to him. Long story short, or I’ll end up in a 20 page saga, I did not let the children go, I did not have charges of contempt placed on me and I did not have to face this situation ever again.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting anyone do this, I am not suggesting that it is ok to be in contempt of court and I am sure not suggesting that this is the right way to go about things – what I am putting forward is a simple plan if you are faced with this scenario.

I had nothing to go by when I was faced with it and I sure could have done with something, anything…

I had done everything I could to prevent this scene from occurring and I attempted to cover all my bases. My main objective however, was my children.

If your child announces that they do not want to go on access visits:

Although it is easy to simply agree to their wishes, especially if you are not friendly with the ex, you need find out more information before you decide anything.

Encourage your child to talk but do not put words into their mouth. Let them explain to you, don’t try and explain their reasons to them.

Don’t just accept that they don’t want to go, ask why?

If their reasons are because the other parent told them off once or twice during the visit, or because they heard the word no a few times, explain to them that you do the same, that you also tell them no.  Maybe ask your child to explain the difference between you and the other parent when disciplining, again…don’t answer the question yourself, let them do it.

Keep a diary of when they come home sad, upset or angry, if they explain why, also note this.

Do not try and push for an answer, let them tell you in their own time.

Despite their reasons, let them know that you love and understand them and that you will always look out for them. Also explain that you have to be a good parent and be fair to mum or dad by making sure they, the kids, aren’t just feeling a little grumpy towards them.

If they still don’t want to go

If you can talk to the other parent:

Attempt to discuss what is happening with them as soon as you can.

Don’t begin the conversation with, ‘Jill doesn’t want to see you’. Try another approach other than being blunt. Start off with saying something like, ‘Sorry to bother you, but we have a little problem’

Ask them if they have any idea what has changed their child’s mind, but don’t let them know straight away what you have been told. This can make the other parent feel left out, betrayed and defensive.

Ask if you could have a weekend or two without access so as to try and work things out with the children.

If you can and only if it is a viable option, invite him/her around to talk to you and the children together about what is going on and why the kids are unhappy.

If the other parent still demands contact and is unreasonable

There really isn’t much you can do here. This is the scenario I found myself in, but If your child will not go, no one can or will physically force them to and neither should you.

Discuss with your lawyer what options you have and find out if it is better to be home or not for when contact is suppose to occur. I was told I would be better off being there with the children just in case the police were to be called, something that did happen to me.

The police were fantastic. They spoke with the children and were content with their decision to stay with me. They approached my ex and suggested he leave access be for a while until the children were ready to face him again. Admittedly he was not at all happy with this and it turned a little nasty, but the police then were able to handle it without me or the children having to be involved anymore.

Kids have a right to feel safe and this includes feeling safe with both parents. If they don’t, you need to investigate the reasons why and without any biasness, something which is extremely hard to do but manageable.

Sometimes in keeping our children safe, we find ourselves in situations less than desirable…but at the end of the day, it’s all about keeping them safe and knowing that they have you to trust in.

Hope this is helpful for someone…

Cheers

OB (OzBinky)