hi, im in relationship that has been going for about 19 mths.i have really close relationship also with my ex husband, the unfortunate thing is my ex has asked that my new boyfriend have no say in disapline as it the "parents" responsibility.I disagree and believe if i trust

this man in my life and in my house with my four wonderful kids and also that my new boyfriend is here with us regardless of the ups and downs he should have say when it comes to disapline.I'll admit i used to say not to yell at the children ill do the yelling ,there my kids. so i guess i too am guilty of the same thing. how can you feel comfortable with someone else taking the reins so to speak without any disputes.?

This has come up with us and many friends of mine who also have stepchildren and blended families. First of all, every situation is a little different, depending on how your kids respond to things and the relationships with your ex-spouse and your significant other. Many things can affect how you handle this situation:


1) How permanent is your new relationship?

Any authoritarian figure has an aura of permanence. Children do not adjust well to changing roles. They are constantly readjusting their norms through learning about and experiencing the world around them. It is important to have islands of stability within that world that give them the freedom to test and experiment, knowing they will always have a set of values, people and/or circumstances they can count on and to some extent predict. If you are jumping on a trampoline and each time you're up in the air someone keeps moving it, you're going to want to stop jumping and hang on for a while. Any disciplinary role your sig o takes should not change abruptly. If he has been taking a back seat on disciplinary action, to suddenly start being the one to dole out the punishments can lead to quite a lot of resentment. Suprisingly enough, so can any sudden lack of discipline on your part. This can be mistaken by the children as well as any adults involved as a lack of interest. By the same token, if he does establish himself in an authoritarian role, if something should happen within your relationship and should he suddenly not be a part of their lives, that can be fundamentally unsettling for a child of any age.


2) How involved does your sig o want to get with the kids?

More often than not, disciplining is a chore. I hate to do it. My husband and I each would rather the other handle the "situations". I became very permanent very early in my stepchildren's lives, but I constantly envy my friends who married into older stepchildren and can afford to maintain a role more akin to a friend, sister or aunt. They get to be the "cool" one and are usually less hung up about their role-model status. (Yes, these things usually go hand-in-hand.) Make sure he or she really wants to take on this added responsibility.


3) Do their needs for discipline involve any disrespect to your sig o at all?

Any person, any time has the right to protest when they are being treated disrepectfully. If it is a household rule that he is not allowed to discipline the kids, this restriction may breed disrespect, and he may feel stripped of authority if there are caveats placed on it. As an adult in the house he should not have rules enforced upon him, but he should be able to decide which rules he wants to abide by. The catch is, as an adult, he should want to abide by the "right" rules. If the three of you (you, your ex and your sig o) decide that the biological parents should maintain disciplinary responsibility, he should still feel free to tell the kids that their behaviour at any time is inappropriate and that he will need to discuss that behaviour and its consequences with you.


4) Who spends the majority of their time with the kids?

It is important for disciplinary duties to be well structured for children since punishments can easily be misconstrued as meanness or pettiness. This can be especially tricky in distanced households as traditional parenting roles must often be massaged to accommodate the situation. A system of disciplinary action works best when it is maintained between the homes, otherwise the more lax household becomes the sanctuary for the kids at first but transforms into a kind of escape clause duing the teenage years, frustrating for the stricter parent and chaotic for the other. Communication between all involved is imperative, and core values agreed upon. The household where the kids spend most of their time will have to be the most involved logistically, so disciplinary styles should lean a little more in that direction. Always always always avoid and "us and them" situation as that leads to disrespect and may backfire when least expected.
 

5) Are their other parent's objections stemming from any discomfort or jealousy, or are they genuine concerns?

Of course to keep things cordial, it is important to respect your ex's wishes and the source of those wishes. Try to get to the root of his objections to see if he has legitimate doubts or if there is a compromise he is comfortable with. Perhaps your sig o should reprimand but not dole out punishments, or perhaps he should point out discouraged or dangerous behaviours with a "we will need to talk to your Mom about this". If he is going to be a long term part of your kids' lives he should be more than just a spectator.


6) Finally. . .

if you do decide your sig o should take on a more disciplinary role, ease him into it. It will make the transition more comfortable for everyone if he starts out with some disapproving nods and works into what you all feel comfortable with. You will probably find with this gradual approach he will define his boundaries naturally, and any overstepping will be minor and easily discussed. Family discipline is a major  and very personal choice often referencing personal upbringing, religion and culture. The most important aspect to adhere to is that all guidance stem from a set of common values shared by all the parents, biological or adopted. This sets a basis for more specific decisions.