The Isolation of Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence happens to so many of us
So Why do we feel so alone?
Why the Isolation?

So what is the most common reason for abuse? Is it? Alcohol? Drugs? Unemployment Pressure? Employment Pressure? Temper Issues? Insecurities?
Well actually it is none of the above.
They are all EXCUSES that can be used to JUSTIFY the abuse
The only reason for abuse is :
TO CONTROL OR TO HAVE POWER OVER SOMEONE

I was totally shocked and upset when I learnt this at my Domestic Violence Support Group this week. It is an incredibly hard fact to get your head around, that abuse ONLY happens because of POWER & CONTROL !
Some of us questioned this and we were told that if it was Alcohol or Drugs or any of the other excuses, then,  why doesn't the abuser hit out at the nearest person, Who come they can hold their anger in until they get home and see you, the VICTIM of the abuse, it is because they control themselves until they see you.

Another shock to me was that in the UK alone, statistics show that most Victims experience up to 35 incidents of Abuse before they will seek help

I was always vocal to anyone who would listen that if anyone ever hit me, then they would never get another chance!
So why did I almost lose my life before I recognised that even if I wasn't being slapped or punched. I was still living with an abuser. I could never understand people who would stay in situations where they were living in fear.

Well for me it was because I believed it was my fault. Abusers can be subtle, they can train you to accept it is your fault. After all no one else can see the other side. He is fun and loving to everyone else. He is popular, He is everyones friend. People trust him. SO IT HAS TO BE ME! Now I am out of the situation that statement looks ridiculous even to me but you totally believe it. You also believe that you can change them or you can help them. The sad truth is that YOU CAN"T. They have no logic, no guilt, no idea and usually no memory of what you are saying.

I used to say to my friends "He really hurt me last night, he was calling me all sorts of names and scaring me!" Their answer was usually "Thats just his humour, you know he would never hurt you he isn't capable of hurting anyone" Result : Someone else I can't talk too so the isolation begins.

The sex abuse
Boy this is effective. You get told you are frigid. You are expected to be available for relations at all times even following a tirade of abuse. They have needs and you must meet them. I used to be kept awake all night because I had said NO, if I drifted off to sleep I would be kicked awake and be told that if he couldn't sleep then neither could I! I lost count of the times I would give in, just to get some sleep. I would then be taunted with the words "At least that is Hate Making over for the night."   I would be in trouble for my menstruation, it would be inconvenient for him and he used to make me feel so bad, I would be accused of welcoming my period as it would stop his fun! (He is probably right on that one!!) I would also wake up during the night with the "act" almost over I used to say what are you doing and he would say I have to do it when you're asleep or you would have said NO!     

How humiliating, How degrading, How insulting, How hurtful is it to tell people intimate stories like this only to be told they don't believe you, the person would not do that. Result : The isolation continues.

Have you noticed that lots of people who are physically abused are all hurt in places that don't show easy. So the abuser can control that part of their temper then, They still have the awareness that if you were hit there, people would notice. Those of us who have been emotionally and mentally abused, your self esteem your self worth has already been chipped away to such an extreme that when you are told its all in your mind, you believe it, you accept it. I used to beg to be taken to a psychiatric hospital because I was sure I was totally insane. My ex even offered to take me there until my parents stepped in and nursed me.

Never believe their promise they can change

Once I recognised that I was being mentally abused, I stayed with him for 9 weeks, each morning waking to an apology and the promise of a fresh start the day would quickly go downhill from there. IF YOU FEEL YOU STILL LOVE THEM AND IF THEY GET HELP THINGS WOULD BE OK. SEPARATE UNTIL THEY CAN PROVE THEY HAVE CHANGED. AS LONG AS YOU ARE TOGETHER YOU FACE A LIFE OF ABUSE AND MUMBLED APOLOGIES THAT MEAN NOTHING.

How to get Help
On this point I have to say I was blessed with an amazing family that supported me. I got the right support through my doctor, who on seeing me directed me to a Psychologist who then referred me to an excellent Domestic Violence Support Group.
The quickest way is to search on Google for:  Help leaving an Abuser. Followed by the country you live in.
You will find a wealth of information and groups to help you

Plan your escape
Unless you really have no other choice, don't just run out the house, plan everything, get professional advice.
You do not want to leave, find out there is nowhere to go and so have to go back. It will be so much worse for you and you will also probably never get the chance to leave again.

My Children
As you plan leaving, do not include the children on any secrets. You are not being fair to the child, they cannot keep secrets. Instead what I did was to ask the children some questions:
Do You Love Me?
Do you Know How Much I Love You?
Do You Trust Me?
Do You believe I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you?
Constantly reassure them of your love
Make sure they know you will always be there for them
Don't put them in the middle of the situation
Don't let them be spies for either party
BE THERE FOR THEM

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU ARE WORTH BEING CARED FOR. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXIST IN A WORLD OF ABUSE.
ONCE YOU HAVE LEFT, OF COURSE PROBLEMS DON'T MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR BUT YOU FIND THE STRENGTH AND THE CONFIDENCE TO COPE.

JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. I HAVE MY OWN COUNSELLOR AND I KNOW I CAN TALK TO HER ANYTIME. SHE BELIEVES ME!!