So often I will look into a stranger’s face and think, ‘My God you look so sad’ – So often I look into the faces of strangers and think ‘What do you do when you go home’ and so often I look into a mirror and think
– ‘Hello stranger’
Some days bring about such an incredible sadness that I often wonder what inspires me to walk out my door, talk on the phone, the internet even. Some days I look to the photos on my wall and remember the times which seemed to bring an endless amount of love and happiness into my life and to those around me. These days can seem so long ago. I walk through my home and hear the distant echo of my family through each room, the laughter, the fighting, the crying and the sharing. I walk outside to my yard and look out to the grass which is dying, the plants which need watering, the pergola that needs rebuilding and consider the reasons why I don’t care about these things like I once did. They all seem so unimportant to me now. I sit in the quietness of my being and reminisce over the days that once mattered, the times I loved to live and those who I miss dearly. I have no sun anymore.
When I feel so down, so low and so unimportant to this world I have helped create – I try to consider the reasons I felt so drawn to the past in the first place. I try to draw inspiration from that which I will always be connected to but that which I can no longer have, my past. We all have our demons, our cross to bear and our closets we guard under lock and key. We all have a history and not always is it a good one. We also have an ability to make the most out of what we have seen, been through and witnessed. We all have the ability to learn from the things that have crushed our spirit and make the most out of what and who we are today.
My life, the good and the bad, are examples to use for when I sit with my daughter in times of need. My experiences and problems are that which I use when explaining to my son, how not to act, how to act and how to communicate. My history is what I share when talking with a friend and discussing how to survive and how to be a stronger person.
My past, good and bad, is what *I* use to build *my* self esteem, something which was taken from me time and time again throughout different stages of my life. It is something I have fought to reclaim and something I consider a major key in all successes of life. Self esteem is also something to use when painting the brightest of suns in a life without one.
A positive self image is important - the way you see yourself is going to be what you reflect onto your children – if you don’t own this for yourself, your children will also find it difficult to see it in you and to feel it in them. Feeling positive about yourself is not an easy thing to accomplish. It takes a great deal of sole-searching to find the things that make you unique to own being.
We build our children’s with such ease but yet struggle to do the same for us. Fact is it can be easier than we make it. You just need to be a little more open to the possibility of personal success. When you feel good about something you have done, acknowledge it. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it makes you feel good and it’s a positive action – then acknowledge it. Learn to recognise when you have made a good choice and focus on it.
Praise yourself for what you have acknowledged. It’s so easy and all you need to say is - ‘I did this well’ – but – Do not do it with along side a negative acknowledgement. If you are commending yourself for leaving a violent relationship, don’t say it like – “I stayed too long, but hey I left in the end and that’s what counts.” By deleting just a few words you will make that one statement sound more powerful, stronger and meaningful. – all you need to say is – ‘I LEFT’
Positive self-statements promote a healthier outlook and inner-self. We teach our children that by thinking positive will create not only a better atmosphere but intent. If you are down on yourself because you didn’t loose that extra kilo – say to yourself - ‘It’s OK, keep going’ - understand that each week will bring with it, its highs and lows with weight loss.
There’s no point in self-ridicule or owning self-shame. Don’t say to yourself ‘YOU’ should do… change it to ‘I’ should do… instead of approaching an issue with ‘You are such a pig’ change it to ‘I shouldn’t do or say that’. Using the term YOU is, for some reason, like a direct hit to character and self worth. We are advised against using YOU statements when giving criticism to another and this is much the same for ourselves.
Take and own responsibility for your actions. For every action we take there are consequences, good and bad. Acknowledging, taking ownership and then accepting self-praise for doing so, will help develop a positive approach in self-criticism without self-ridicule or shame.
If you want to help your children build a healthy and positive ‘self-esteem’ you first need to have one yourself.
Paint a little sunshine in your life and make sure you own who you are and how you got there, after all - There is only ever one YOU…
(February 2007) (
