Managing your children's friend choices

wow your mum knew her stuff and was a wise woman! My son has adhd and he is very easily swayed into peer groups that I wouldn't want him to get into, there are some not so well behaved children at his new school and I want him to have good friends that show respect to others and follow kind rules. with my son the way he is it can be hard to try and get him to understand why other people's behaviour can rub off on him so easily but the advice above has really helped me and I will follow those simple suggetions!!

I have done this with my own children, and they've thanked me for it as they remember the children they used to hang around are now getting into trouble with the law, and done so much bad stuff. Great advice

mum was obviously very cluey!

i wish it was that easy sometimes i think my three year old has already hit her teens!!!

seriously i think i've been able to influence her friend choices a liitle but i don't want to push her too much...

What and excellent article Matt. Well said and great advice and I agree that your mum's advice was right. The amount of times that I now look back and remember what my mum said about a particular group or her advice about how to react to certain people whom may want to go behind their parents back, my mum was right about them and hundreds of other things later on in life. I suppose it goes to sure that the saying "mum knows best" and mum and grandparents advice never goes out of fashion and is solid and reliable advice.

Well done Matt great article

Guzzigalcats.

When I became a parent for the first time, I read,  on child development, discipline etc...

Unfortunately the books available at that time where more theoretical....not much written from personal experience...this is why I find Minti so stimulating...is truly touching to witness how parents are helpful to each other without judgement.

Now....this is what I can say of my own experience when my children have gravitated towards the "wrong" crowd.

Seams to me that the best teacher for our children (more then parents words of advice) is Natural Consequences.....Our children would learn that ..ie the water would spill if the cup is tip  or the kitten would scratch if we pull his tail etc. therefore, we should use a simple language to describe things to children _enough to stimulate their brain development and to not much to oversaturate them with info that goes no where_ Seams to be the rule as they grow older as well.

If our communicating is simple and in tune to their brain development the message gets across and even better allowing a time for a Natural Consequence  to occurred. ie I may say to my 5 yr old (now 61/2) Luchia remember the rules by the pool "is not running" but because of her age she needs more repetition...before doing that I observe to see if she applies the rule....If she didn't  I just let the 'Lifeguard' reinforce  it. So she knows that is not just me. There are other authorities in her life that agree with what we say. How this applies in children social interactions and friendships of children who are not raise between our Life Ethics??? Aside from being a constant Silent Vigilant we should state our Home Rules from the moment our children are verbal. In our house there is No derogatory language towards anyone and if at the park or school we encounter people who uses that way of talking. First of all we can't put our children in a "Bubble" to be untouchable...they have to see the world for what it is around them, My children would begin to say "Oh mom You don't know but so and so say such and such words"  I say

"YES? I see" WE don't " Is not okay in our family. Is pretty much my answer, then.... I ask...what would you say? sometimes their own answer are just wonderful....

Boundaries with LOVE...the same as when some parents do "Time Outs" we have to be consistent for things to have a meaning and be effective.

When our children begin to gravitate towards the wrong crowd I just breath deeply and observe to see how things unfold...I always what to know Where, when. who and how when it comes to my teenagers and most definitely I like parents contact info.

My children always know this to be the rules...and YES! my teen girl got her  heart broken by who they though it was their best friend (wrong crowd child) and I hold her  and say how much I love her...while she experience a Natural Consequence...Inside of me I was Sad for her pain and Happy that she was able to realise who was not her true Friend. That child is a young adult now with no direction in her life, doing drugs, drinking...College drop out. My child is in college in England..finish building a Cob House in Wales as a volunteer in a farm and would go back to her next term at her college..... on her holiday breaks.... she travel Europe..She is 21 and a very responsible young Woman.

We are from the USA where the "Wrong Crowd" could be in the Best of Families....yet being a consistent with our values is sometimes the best we can do for our children to build an inner strength to face the world as is.

PS I apologize for the rant and I hope it makes sense to you and most importantly I hope is of some help to someone....I want to remind you that I have a 6 yr old (soon to be 7) a 14 yr old and a 21 yr old. Thank you for reading!

I was a culprit of this most of my friend manipulated me into  doing things.  My mum was not happy about this.

Amazingly though this same girl is still one of my closest friends.  My mum was very strict in who I spent my spare time with.

I to now watch the amount of time Ty spends with children and what influence they bring upon him.  I will try to steer him toward other children that parents have the same value systems as myself.  In the end I hope he will be able to make good choices as a teenager.

My brother seemed to have a sticker on him "Rebel".  He by no means was a problem child at school but all the problem children seem to flock to him. 

If we impart good values on our children that it will rub off and then they can make good life choices.

O

I was a culprit of this most of my friend manipulated me into  doing things.  My mum was not happy about this.

Amazingly though this same girl is still one of my closest friends.  My mum was very strict in who I spent my spare time with.

I to now watch the amount of time Ty spends with children and what influence they bring upon him.  I will try to steer him toward other children that parents have the same value systems as myself.  In the end I hope he will be able to make good choices as a teenager.

My brother seemed to have a sticker on him "Rebel".  He by no means was a problem child at school but all the problem children seem to flock to him. 

If we impart good values on our children that it will rub off and then they can make good life choices.

O

I have for months and months tried to find a way to stop two particlar children playing with my son.  I don't trust them, I don't like them and they are sadistic little creatures.  I never let Luke go to their houses or go outside with them.  They always come into my house, but lately I have found several excuses to tell the children why they can't come and play, like dinner time, sleep time, sick etc.  I have guilt for my feelings, but am quickly consoled by the fact I am only protecting my child.  Luke asked if one of them could come over and play one day, and I found myself wanting to tell him my thoughts on the child, but didn't of course.  For now, I know the suggestions you have made, Matt, will help me.  I also agree with hrs' take on a child being a positive influence.  But, in Luke's case, the two children are about 5 years older than him, so it's a whole other story there.

I'm not looking forward to dealing with this during teen years and hope I have the same fortune as your mum...what a woman 

This isn't something I have really pondered much yet, partly because all my daughter's friends are the children of my friends or relatives. One thing I will throw in to the mix is to make sure that judgements are based on the right things. It may well be that the child behaving badly is not getting the right guidance at home, and could benefit from a nice, well-mannered child as a friend. They may not be a bad influence, but your child might be a good one. My boyfriend has told me of a friend of his as a child who had such a poor homelife that, at 10, he still couldn't use a knife or fork. My BF's mum had him back for dinner on many an occasion, taught him table manners and even how to use a toilet properly. Just think how much positive influence you could bring to one child.

Having said all of this, I agree that if I can see an out and out nastiness or rebellious streak in a new friend, I would try to influence rather than ban. As Tracey mentioned, too tough an approach might just lead to the new friend becoming more alluring, and your parent / child relationship being undermined.

I think that sounds great. I think that is something that I will remember for when my baby grows up. Thanks!!