Hidden behind the reality of life or how to be the sibling of a special needs child

Being the mum of a special needs kid is both a joy and a fear..... On one hand my son is gifted, special, and holds incredible facts all stored in his tiny little head...On the other hand he is angry, aggressive, and takes alot of work and time spent at appointments etc.......

The other day i dropped miss 2 off to her home care house and took a moment to discuss her moods on a monday with our carer..You see, after spending all weekend with master 5 miss 2 is usually so tired and mentally drained(boy do i know how she feels) that she gets to day care cranky and tired and is out by 1030am for a 2 hour nap....... She cries when i drop her off as she wants to stay with mummy and yet i know she needs the quiet and interaction of "normal", social children who wont belt her up or antagonize her or drop her Dora doll in a bucket of bleach because she got on their nerves....

I love my children equally and i try to give them equal time alone and together with me.... alas  this is not always possible...especially in the holiday period......and so my little one is craving mummy time......

My daughter has become my sons biggest advocate...No matter what he does to her she soldiers on and protects and comforts him at all times...she frets when he is away and loves being with him......Already i can see that she has developed patience, tolerance to others and fierce loyalty through being around her special needs brother, however at times i wonder if she feels that she is somehow less important in the scheme of things.....

At present my mum also spends time with each child individually  making sure they both know they are equally important to her...For a while my daughter who is very sensitive would stay back and not go to Nan as much as she didnt want to cause master 5 to get jealous..... She learnt that master 5 would be aggressive when she took the step to hug and so to improve the relationships it was decided that each child would have a Nanna day ... Now miss 2 knows she can hug her  without fighting for Nanna's  attention.....

Recently my mum asked me how we can help my daughter feel important and loved for who she is without my son feeling betrayed.....


How do we let our  PC (perfect child)  know that they are just as special to us as our GFG's (gift from God)?

• our PC's  needs to know their views and feelings are important...they need to know its ok to be mad,or feel negative and  voice it.... If they know they can say it then they are less inclined to show it physically or feel it through getting headaches etc....I encourage my daughter to tell master 5 when she is angry or upset with him..... She also lets him know when she wants to be left alone..... It doesnt always mean he listens but at least she is learning to speak out......she will now even tell me she doesnt like me...It may hurt me sometimes but i'd rather she learn honesty
  

• Its important not to compare Our children.......it may feel a positive thing in your eyes but it can make your child feel less unique...I am guilty of comparing my children with their speech and sometimes even their behaviour and its not a competition...My daughter is not the same as my son and should be viewed as a separate human being
  

• We need to Try to Make time for our PC's one-on-one... we have to Let them know they are valued in our life and that they are special and important...I am taking the time to find my daughter a dance class so that she has a outlet for her emotions when its all to hard......I want her to have one thing that cant be taken from her and that is hers alone....No comparisons!!!! I also take her to a local cafe once a week and we sit together and have a cake and a drink...she loves that time and i value the quietness(and strength i gain) of our relationship........

• Its important  that we Don't make our PG's feel responsible for our GFG... We shouldn't put them in the place of looking after our GFG  ...It shouldn't be their responsibility..... To often we put our more mature child in charge of their special sibling and they dont need the added pressure of having to look after another...Their lives are complicated enough
  

•  we must Make sure our PC's don't  feel neglected or ‘ordinary’ because they do not require the same type of attention that their GFG needs.... If you have to spend alot of time at doctors or hospital etc then make sure that your PC's knows that quality time is just as good with them......Even if its just reading them a story at night...Take that time to let them know they are not unimportant
  

•  Its important to include all our children in the decisions and tasks for the family... We should Try not to keep secrets regarding health or wellbeing.... Alot of children want to know as much as they can when their sibling is special....When a child is diagnosed our first thought is to get as much information as we can.... Our children are just as curious...... .If this is your child then dont keep them in the dark ......
  

•  Lastly Please remember to Let our PC's know that they dont need to hide achievements in order to keep ours GFG from feeling badly.... Every child is unique and has gifts in other areas.... Remind your child that they have the right to feel proud when they achieve and that its okay to share that pride with those around them......

I am sure as time goes by there will be many more things i could add to this list.....but all in all this advice is just a reminder that each kids needs parents differently and its important to take time to show our children that each of them is Unique and that they matter........