Yesterday while talking to master 5 he asked me 'if i was a good mother?' I took a second to think on it and then i asked him
"well do i feed you?" "yes" he said...
"do i give you a warm place to sleep
"..."yes... "
"do i love you" "yes..".
"do i smack or yell at you for no reason" .."no...."
Well i said to him "
what do you think a good mum is." He looked really thoughtful for a moment and then he said to me.... " a good mum would let me do what i want " ...after our conversation i took a time to think.....We all have our own interpretation on what being a good mum is ....and how much is really true
I have always wanted to be a "
good mother"...The type who loves and accepts everything her children do, i wanted to raise children that are well behaved and have great manners, kids that help out around the house, who are quiet when they need to be, kids who can go out in public as a family...I wanted to be a mum who does all she can for her kids, who keeps a clean house and bakes, and sews and joins the PTA, i wanted to throw lots of fun parties and have meals on the table each night..i wanted to have long conversations about how we felt, and make plans for the future, i wanted to hear i love you and have hugs and show affection...I wanted my kids to know i love them and i wanted them to feel safe ......
But Having a GFG in my home has made me rethink what parenting is, and what kind of mum I am. My Son has changed that vision of myself and thus I have had to change the way I thought parenting would be..... I wait for the day where my son doesn't yell "I hate you" .... where he gets up and hugs me or tell me he loves me, when he says how his day was, where he doesn't hit me in the face, where i don't have to tiptoe around him afraid he may cycle...... I feel like I was robbed of the fun part of being a mum and there are days when I just don't want to do this "mum" thing anymore. It shouldn't have to be this hard and i shouldnt have to watch him every minute of the day Incase...
But
when i look at my GFG i feel overwhelming love. I am afraid for who he will become and where he will end up years from now. I worry that he may slip through the cracks and i cry for the things he may never do... Sometimes i wonder what his future holds and then i wonder if there will be a future.... I worry that I did this to him ...that some lack of parenting made him this way..... that I will have to be judged in years to come and be found sorely lacking...I cry for the fact that I love him so much that I ache even though he terrifies me at times.....He has thoughts at 5 yrs of age I have never contemplated and energy I can not fathom and yet there's a switch inside him that doesn't function right...I am angry that I cant take away his pain and his hurt and I cant stop him wanting to hurt himself and others.....I want to scream but there's no one there to take the blame..... I want to hit out but I have to be strong........
I have been in that place where I blame myself...If only..... I have evaluated my mothering and found it lacking......I am sure that I have given him to much freedom, or too many choices, or too little choice, Or is it that i' m not there enough for him emotionally, maybe I don't smack him enough, maybe he is spoiled.....And so in those moment i have decided to be harsher, stronger, and I have blamed him for not learning quick enough, not growing fast enough, not doing what I say, not being happy that i keep our house and our lives so good for him.....I have done everything for him and it hasn't kept him from Life and its cruel blows..
and then suddenly the house is falling down around me, things are going wrong, my son is hurting himself, he's crying out and i stand there losing my son in my perfect little mummy world....
So now i sit here and i know that according to my own thoughts on what a good mum should be i am not one and cant pretend that I ever will be...To be honest who cares as
i am not worried as much about being a good mum as i am about saving my son.....No matter how hard I try, not matter how clean my house is, or how accomplished my life appears it hasn't kept my family from pain. I cant stop my son swearing, or hitting, or throwing things or breaking things, I cant stop him crying in deep despair or wanting to die. I cant feel or see what goes on in his head..
In that moment I change ...I become the mother i am meant to be..... In this moment I don't care about housework or ironing, or what isn't getting done, or what is getting done.... Right in front of me for the first time i' m seeing my baby... and he needs my help.
He needs me to be strong with him and not against him. No longer am I trying to be what i always though was a good mum.... Its time I change what i think is right, its not about my parenting, its about my child......I have to be there to help my child through, I want my son to have a future and I have to help him reach that goal.... No recriminations, no blame,
Right in this moment I learn what being a parent is......Its not a perfect home, or meals very night at 5pm on the dot. Its about being there no matter what...being a safe place for my children.......and kissing away the hurts when they ask me too
Shouldn't the needs of our children be more important than being the perfect mum... That should be what being a Good parent means
My question to you is what do you think being a good parent means?
