My daughter will be fourteen in about two weeks. She's incredibly mature for her age, as in, she's basically a genius. (Not to toot my own horn) She's supposed to be in grade 8 but is in her senior year of high school becuase she skipped four grades and is

very prepared to use her intelligance in the form of having a smart mouth. It's gotten to the point where I am intimadated by her. She's been hanging out with a lot of older kids, like already graduated from highschool kids and I have NO idea what they do! I can't even communicate with her because I think she considers me too mature for her and I always feel stupid whenever I try to have conversation with her. (I never graduated highschool) She's not a bad kid but with her maturity, I can actually see her doing things like ecstasy and experimenting with those older guys. I really have no idea what to do..

Remember that intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing and neither are age and maturity. What you and your daughter are going through comes from many things and is not something that can be taken care of with a magic wand overnight. Just take things on bit by bit and address one thing at a time. Look at each issue and decide which are the most important to address first:

1) Manage your worry

Make a list. Organize your thoughts. Write down each topic on a sheet of paper then re-write them in order of most urgent to least urgent. Letting everything jumble up in your head makes it all seem bigger and more impossible than it is. Before long you are consumed by worry and you create more problems for yourself - your other relationships suffer, you get distracted, lack of sleep, stress takes its toll on your health, even depression or its symptoms can set in. If you are not at your best physically and mentally how can you expect yourself to give your daughter all the attention she is demanding right now? Take a break every now and then - is there anything that is effective at absorbing your attention completely for a short time? A book? A bath? An exciting movie with a happy ending and no teenagers in it works well for me. That's two hours of rest my mind gets right there.

2) Take things one at a time

Have you ever seen the guy in the circus who spins plates? Dealing with the teenage years are a lot like that. He concentrates on the plate that is wobbling while keeping the rest of them in the back of his head. If he tried to take care of them all at the same time they would fall and break. Prioritize. Start at the top of your list and work on that.

3) Try to find out the WHY behind her activities

Weed killer only works if you kill the roots. Just cutting off the stem is a temporary although gratifying exercise. If you don't understand why she is doing the things she does you will have trouble working them out.

4) Do they make her feel important?

This is probably the number one reason teenagers do anything: they have a need to be important. To make things worse, when they get yelled at or punished, it just reinforces this need. Their friends tell them how pretty/funny/cool they are, how much they love them, so they want to spend time with their friends. Who wouldn't want to spend time with people who told you you were the greatest thing since sliced bread? And of course they are going to be more likely to believe them because they affirm everything they themselves are thinking.

The key to this is to make your daughter feel important at home and for doing good things. You already see the effects of some of this - look how she has excelled at her schoolwork. People have probably been telling her how smart she is and what a great job she is doing in school for a long long time, and see how much effort she is putting into it. Just being smart doesn't get you skipped grades. You have to care about it too. If she responds that well to positive reinforcement, she may start paying more attention to your opinion if she starts hearing good things after she does something positive. For instance: "Thanks for calling me to let me know you're going to be late. That's very thoughtful of you." or "It makes me happy when you give me a kiss good-bye when you leave for school in the morning." Even if she doesn't do a lot, point out little things and highlight the behaviour and qualities you want to reinforce. "That dress looks really good on you. You look so elegant and sophisticated, you look like a model." If you can't find anything, lead her to it. Ask for a hug, then tell her, "Thank you, sweetie, it makes me feel so loved when you give me a hug." It may seem strange, but practise saying things when you are alone, until you are comfortable expressing these things and they feel natural to you.

5) Is she bored or unhappy at home?

She may feel like every time she comes home she gets yelled at or disapproved of, or maybe there's nothing to do that's not 'lame'. Remind her of good times you have shared by looking at old photos together of good vacations or when she was little, bring her back to when she thought you were the greatest thing on the planet. Or plan an outing to someplace that she likes to go to, and be receptive even if you don't like it. Maybe something as simple as a movie she wants to see or as elaborate as a trip out of town, just make sure you do it together and you have a GOOD TIME.

6) Has she lost respect for you?

Show her that Mom still has a few tricks up her sleeve. What is it that you do really well that you can show or teach her? Do you sing beautifully? Paint? Sew? Write? Cook a meal together and show her all the little things that are not by the book. Make it something impressive, maybe something you can show off to the rest of the family - there's that positive reinforcement again. Let your husband know what you are doing so that he can be prepared to make a big fuss over how good everything tastes, and keep any opinions about anything he doesn't like to himself. Don't let anything mar the mood.


7) Does she have a personality disorder?

Do a little reading. Consult a psychologist without bringing her in. See if there is something more fundamental at work. Probably not, but if there is, she may need professional help.

8) Drug and substance abuse issues

Does she understand how dangerous drugs and alcohol are? We assume kids in this day and age do, but you would be surprised how many don't. Again, they are being told all kinds of erroneous things by the people they trust the most: their friends. Go online and print out some information to show her. Print out two sets so you can go over it together. Buy or rent a DVD on the subject. Talk to someone whom she will listen to to get them to go over it with her. A priest? rabbi? doctor? teacher? coasch? an older sibling she thinks is cool? Visit a rehab center or detox ward at a local hospital. Talk frankly about anyone you have known who has given up their opportunites because of substance abuse. These things may not be easy or pleasant, but isn't it worth it if it will help your daughter? If you still feel it is beyond your control, she is still a minor, there are many programs that can help, and many of them provide financial assistance if needed. Start looking through any local churches, they are a wealth of information even if you are not a member, and if they don't offer anything you are comfortable with, they may at least be able to point you in the right direction.

9) Sexual issues

This often goes back to issues of power, importance and self-esteem. You may not be able to curb this all at once. Make sure she understands the consequences of being sexually active, especially at a young age. Take her to a gynecologist you trust, (if she is sexually active, she should go for an exam) preferrably female so there is less chance of embarrassment and call ahead to ask if the doctor will go over with her some of the dangers of sex. Ask your daughter if she would like you to stay in the room with her or wait outside. If she asks you to wait outside, don't feel bad, she is just trying to be grown-up, but ask the doctor later what topics were covered so you know what else you have to address. Afterterwards, take her out for ice cream or a treat. Something she won't say no to. This is an intimate experience you have shared together. Ask her if she has any questions and if she has had an exam, remind her as long as she is sexually active she will need to have one every year. Make sure if she is having sex she uses protection, if you are uncomfortable talking to her about it or do not want this advice to come from a parent, ask the doctor specifically to go over it. And make sure she understands all the consequences of an underage pregnancy including abortion, even if you are against it. You don't have to advocate it,  just make sure she understands. Many young people take it lightly, as a quick fix without really understanding all the facts. Go over with her opportunites to be lost if she gets pregnant at a young age - does she have any dreams for the future a pregnancy would eliminate? Go over the changes to her body, and don't leave out any of the gruesome details - young girls are very body conscious. Go over time constraints both before and after giving birth. Go over the expense of an abortion, and the dangers to her body and her reproductive system if it is done poorly. Go over the social stigma of it - how will people look at her afterwards? Go over the fact that this is not just some kid, that this would be her first child whether she decided to have it or not and what kind of life would her child have living with a mother that might not be able to provide for it. Go over how even if the boy (and reinforce that he is a boy) that got her pregnant wanted to support her all the way, how could he? You even have to be 18 to work at Starbucks. Reinforce everything that helps her understand that the decision to have underage sex is not one that should be taken lightly. And let her know that she is important to you and even if you don't always like the things she does, you always love her.

10) Communication

If you have something to talk about with her, try to get her at times she is responsive. When she is sleepy or especially happy, or maybe just after an emotional movie. Try to spend time with her just having fun so that she knows when she is with you she is not always on the spot. If all else fails, get someone else to intercede. whether they are a professional or just a good friend. At the same time, let her know you understand she is trying to stretch her wings and grow up, but let her know what growing up really means - it's not just about staying up late and doing what you want, but about taking more responsibility for yourself. Let her have more responsibilities but let her know she has to live with the consequences of them as well.