Dealing with Teen Behaviour

Most teenagers believe that parents don’t have a clue. We do not understand, we are not in tune with them and that we, for the most, are too old and over the hill to get it - what ever ‘it’ maybe. They forget that we were teenagers once

It is important to remember that teenagers are adults in training. If we, the fully licensed adult, question why we are told ‘no’ by someone – then why is it so hard to understand when teens question the same thing? If you want your teenager to consider their options with sensibility, you need to explain why. So many parents stop doing this at a certain age.

When, at the age of 3, we say no to our child, we do so with an explanation like; “No, don’t touch. It’s hot and it will burn you, OUCH!” or “Stop, we need to look for cars. We don’t’ want to be run over”. We do this so our child understands what we are cautioning them about and so that the child can understand the consequences if they do touch that hot plate or cross the road. Just because our children grow up a little more and turn into a teen or pre-teen, doesn’t mean we stop explaining ‘why’ to them.

So many times parents change from explaining to demanding, hoping to expecting and pride to disappointment. This does not leave much room for a teen to make the most obvious and expected mistakes; the ones which aid in self-development. Of course there are times when such things are appropriate but if you hope to have a good relationship with your teenager, this does need to be placed in the right parental context.

Children will get into trouble by following their friends. They are convinced that by going along with even the most dangerous of plans that it will bring them closer in achieving a personal status. People will like them more if they do the daring, the things parents trust that they won’t consider doing – the things we say ‘Don’t’ over. This is going to happen whether you want it to or not and even the most disciplined home, the closest of families and the most behaved children will tempt their luck and try things we do not condone.

If your teen approaches you and discusses a ‘friend’ with you, one who may have been caught with cigarettes, drugs or shoplifting – one who may be considering their ‘first time’ even, don’t be too quick to jump into the moral wheel of ‘should nots’ or condemn the ‘friend’ too quickly as you may just shut the door of opportunity with your teen.

Teenagers will often use their friends, name and all, to pass problems by you that are really owned by them. They will watch carefully your reaction and listen intentively to each word you say and they will in an attempt to read between the lines for any clues as to how you will react if they had have told you it was them. Take this opportunity to open conversations with your teen. Ask for their opinion, what do they think they should do and what advice they would give. This will offer you a little insight into how they are hoping you will approach the subject and what they think about it too.

Reinforce, accept and confirm

Remind your teen that despite any disappointment felt, you will always love them and that the disappointment will be towards behaviour and not them. Accept that your teen will make mistakes and remember to put focus on the lessons learned and why they felt they needed to make the ‘bad’ choices they did. Confirm that they understand their actions and the consequences for them.

Despite how well this may go and despite how close you may feel after discussing this with them, remember that they still need to accept that there are consequences for every action and that there are rules that need to be followed in life. Just because the talk has gone well don’t just leave it as that, reinforce this with a consequent and encourage your teen to come up with some ideas themselves.

Independence is a great thing but teenagers need to be responsible with it and understand that independence comes with rules/laws and by adhering to these rules/laws they will be able to own theirs.  

Cheers

OB