IDSR: I Encourage Open Communication.

Tracey tagged me for the "I Did Something Right" blog game earlier today.  A part of that challenge is to blog on something you do right as a parent and then translate that post into an article that can hopefully help or educate other members.  "What a fantastic idea!" I thought to myself when I read her post.  However, I was stumped when it came to identifying what I did well as a parent!  I had to enlist the help of my kids by asking them what they think I did well as a mom.   Here are some of their responses:

• You make us feel safe.
• You make us feel loved.
• You read stories to us.
• You take us to the store and say that you will spend $10 and then when we want something that is $40 you say "no, I told you that I would only spend $10."  (Sorry, I thought that one was too funny so I had to write it down.)

Ultimately, however, they both told me that they knew they could talk to me about anything.  My son then gave me an example by sharing that he was afraid to go to his first reconciliation and tell the priest that he choked his sister last week when she made him angry.  While we clearly will have to address his poor choice in doing this to his sister, his disclosure was still met openly.

It is comforting to know that we have established an environment where the kids feel comfortable discussing anything with us.  There are a number of techniques and strategies that we have implemented over the years to encourage open communication:

• We have regular family meetings.  To learn more about family meetings, check out the article I wrote www.minti.com/parenting-advice/4483/Connecting-with-Your-Kids-Try-a-Family-Meeting/.
• We eat meals at the dinner table regularly.  This is probably one of the most effective way to stay in touch with your kids.
• We ask open ended questions.  This is a trick I learned as a protective services worker.  We started using lots of open ended questions when our kids were both very young.  For example, rather than asking "Did you have fun at school today?" we ask "What did you do at school today?"  The kids have been somewhat programmed by now to know that "nothing" is going to be followed by lots more questions such as "what did you have for lunch" or "what kind of math stuff are you working on," etc.
• We do activities as a family weekly.  For example, family movie night, bowling, making dinner together, etc.  These are great times to bond as a family which makes the kids feel valued and loved. 
  
• We do regular check ins.  Ever since the kids were able hold a conversation, we have had "check ins" on a regular basis.  Most of these check in are done at bedtime.  I like to hop into bed with each kid and ask them about their day, their plans for tomorrow, etc.  About one a month, I will ask them if they have any worries or concerns.  I've learned about all sorts of things that were troubling the kids with this questions, e.g., bullies, feeling like an outsider at school, etc.
• We don't encourage secrets.  This is my former prison counselor and children's protective services worker coming out.  I know too much about how perpetrators of abuse and neglect operate.  We tell our kids that it is never okay to have secrets.  We tell them it is okay to have surprises, like not telling what they got as a gift for a relatives birthday, knowing about a surprise birthday party, etc. 
  
• We make sure the kids know we love them no matter what.  We have always tried to send the message that no matter what they do, they will always be loved.  We make it clear that while we may not like their behavior or the choices that they have made, we always love them.

I'm happy to report that for the time being (we haven't hit those moody teen years yet!), the lines of communication are open.  Hopefully, we will have done enough ground work to ensure that they remain open well into their adulthood!

I hope you all go check out Tracey's blog for more info on the IDSR game.  I look forward to reading everyone else's posts!