Hey All,

I just wanted to share with everyone my story and experience in relations to Sids. I had just read through Kellzacar's experience and I was very moved by her story. This is a very difficult topic, especially when its so close to home.

On April 3rd

2003 I became a mum for the second time to a gorgeous baby boy, "Ethan Blake " he was born nearly 3 weeks early due to complications I was rushed in for an emergency C-Section. He was 8 pound 11 ounces, so imagine if he was on time!! Omg  ouch!!

Anyways, he was immediatley in the Special Care Nursery due to breathing complications for 5 days before I could even hold him. They had the oxygen level as high as it would go and the doctors said he wasn't very well. As heartbreaking as it is to see your precious baby laying there helpless and fighting for their life, you somehow manage to keep the faith and pray that they will make it through.

After the 6th day of him being in the Special Care Nursery the oxygen was no longer needed and seemed to be improving. I was given the all clear to take him home, only to take him back to hospital the next day for a check-up where I was told he had lost too much weight "overnight" and he wasn't feeding properally. I was able to take him home again a few days later.

I noticed when I had left the hospital they never spoke to me about the dangers of sids, what the risks are or what to do/not to do etc. I was aware of cot death but never had a full understanding of what sids was. My daughter "Shakira" was 2 years old at the time I had brought him home. The household was very hectic as I was a single mum working overtime as we mums do!! I didn't want my daughter feeling left out or neglected.

One afternoon while both children sleeping I finally had the chance to catch up the housework and washing, I was outside pegging up when I heard Ethan screaming, it wasn't a "i'm awake cry or a i'm hungry or wet cry either" it was a hurt cry!! I ran inside to find my 2 year old daughter inside the cot with Ethan holding her pillow over his face. Too young for her to understand she said "he was crying mummy". I sat her down and explained to her the best way I could why babies cry etc.

Shakira was a fantastic help towards her brother, she would help me bath him and dress him and get nappies etc she felt more included and loved being a big sister. At 12 weeks old, he was starting to make the gurgling sounds and being more alert.

On the 2nd of April 2003 I witnessed my sons first smile!! It wasn't just any type of smile, it wasn't a "wind kind of smile" it wasn't a slight smile...This was the biggest smile I have EVER seen a 12 week old baby smile before. His big bright blue eyes looking straight at me smiling and made the Cutest Coo sound I have ever heard!!

If only I knew that would be the last time I would ever see my beautiful son's smile and precious blue eyes I would have held him all day  Personally, I think that was his way of saying "goodbye mum i love you" and having a religous background helped me in alot of ways prepare myself for the worst experience of my life.

At 7am on the 3rd of April 2003 I woke up as per usual, I saw that my son was still sleeping in the same position so I left him sleep a bit longer while getting my daughter dressed and ready for breakfast. Realising he was due for a feed soon I went in to wake him up and to my horror and diss-belief he was as cold as ice and very stiff. I picked him up and looked at his face and his eyes were wide open. I knew he was gone  

My natural reaction was to scream, my 2 year old daughter came running in to see what was going on and stopped dead in her tracks, I will never forget the look on her face when she saw her baby brother laying very still on the bed. I grabbed my phone and rang 000 at the same time trying to keep my special little girl out of the room. The operator instructed me to give him CPR when his nose started to bleed, that confirmed to me he had left us.

Within 2 minutes the ambulence turned up, I couldn't stay in the room to watch...I took my daughter outside and hugged her tightly, until the ambulence officer came out and told me the words I didn't want to hear!! "I'm sorry but he's gone". I didn't know what to do, or how to react. I just looked at my daughter and smiled and assured her it would be ok. From that point on I refused to show any emotion, I didn't want my daughter to see me break down or get depressed...she needed me!!

I thank God every single day of my life for my beautiful daughter for the impact she has had on my life, for giving me hope and a reason to live. All of my family came over, we became closer together. We had a beautiful and touching funeral service, I felt that I couldn't show any emotion, I had to be strong!!

It's nearly been 4 years and it still hurts just as much, not a day goes by that I don't think of him and thinking of that gorgeous smile, I can't change the past...I can only live for the future. My daughter is now 6 years old and has started grade 1. She often talks about Ethan, we both have our moments. She still remembers every detail as to what happened. Which is what I was affraid of, but then again its not something you would forget in a hurry either.

I'm in a position at the moment where I need to let go all of the hurt and pain thats been building up for years..To be honest, I don't know how to deal with such trauma, I have seen Sids Councilors they are such wonderful people. I have planted a plant at the Sids foundation at Mt Gravatt in Brisbane. I feel that until I let go, I can't move forward.

There is alot of information out there on Sids, Put them on your back, Don't put them on your back etc etc My daughter have servere case of colic and reflux when she was a baby and would ONLY sleep on her tummy with the cot tilted up. Use your own judgement, but just be aware that Sids does occur..Least when you expect it too!! I don't wish it apon anyone.

"What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" On a positive note, There is nothing else in the world that can be thrown at me...i.e obsticles along the way, because I know I have already experienced the worst possible experience to ever happen to me in this life time.

Remember, Life is what you make of it. Don't hold grudges..Life is too Short, Be happy with who you are and what you believe in. Treasure your family and tell them every day that you love them, cause you don't know if it will be the last.

Sorry this is sooooo long, But I feel so much better getting it off my chest and sharing my experiences with whom ever may read this. Life is too precious to be wasted!!

All the Best  Lin (Stare_Bear)