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Keep it a Secret

nell18-3 by nell18-3 Young Parent(February 2007) (rank 1st)

When you hear the word 'SECRET' What image does it conjure up in your mind?

Do you think of excitement, surprise birthdays, surprise holidays, surprise visitors.......

Or does it conjure up for you bad images??

Does it make you feel nervous, scared, emotional........

Whatever

it makes you feel we know that there are two very opposing sides to the word 'SECRET'

The Good Side of Keeping a Secret
Children love being told they are part of a secret
It makes them feel trusted
Children love all the secret winks and secret codes that come with keeping a secret
They love all the planning and preparation
It makes them feel important and special

The Bad Side of Keeping a Secret
There are usually and hopefully signs to look for when your child is keeping a bad secret
They may become withdrawn and want to isolate themselves from everyone
Your child may become snappy, irritable, moody and emotional
Their body language may be affected
Their shoulders may droop, their head may look down, they may avoid eye contact


What to do if you suspect your Child is Keeping a Bad Secret
Take time to sit quietly with them and ask if anything is worrying them
Tell them they can trust you but be sure to not be sworn to secrecy with anything they tell you, just in case you have to call in help
Reassure them with how much you love them and that it is an unconditional love that won't change no matter what they tell you
Let them know that you have noticed something is wrong and you just want to offer your help if they need it
Encourage them that it is  okay to talk to someone else if they feel uncomfortable talking to you, all you as a parent want is for their worries to be lifted
REMEMBER if they are keeping a really bad secret then they may have been told and believe that the repercussions of telling anyone the secret, could be that of a threat against you or someone else they are close to


What if another Child tells you a Bad Secret
Maybe a niece/nephew or a neighbour's child or even a friend of your child may one day feel they can't keep the secret in any longer, they feel more comfortable with a relative stranger and just blurt it out to you.
Again remember, do NOT be sworn to secrecy, you may have to call in the childs parents or someone else who can help them
Reassure them and comfort them


So, the Secret is Out! What now?
Do not get out of your depth
Call in whatever help you need for the sake of your child's welfare and well being
Show them that unconditional love you promised you had for them
Maybe they are not the victim but instead, they have harboured secret guilt of something they have done. Make sure you are still there to help them
Trust your instinct on what they need from you right now
Show you are trustworthy by making sure people know on a need to know basis
Support them as they go through all the aftermath of the secret being out
PROTECT THEM - this could be protection from the person who has hurt them, from gossip mongers or from so called friends who turn their backs


BUT, JUST MAYBE............


Just maybe our imagination is our greatest enemy and when the secret is actually out, it is not as bad a secret as you feared. A child's perspective on the big issues of life are totally different to an adults.
If their secret seems small to you, DON'T belittle or embarrass your child with the words "Is that all it was???" If you do you will cross the line of them being able to trust you.
If it was a big issue to your child then it should be a big issue to you the parent also.

DON'T FORGET

NOT ALL SECRETS ARE BAD, SOME ARE REALLY GREAT TO KEEP AND ENCOURAGE

BUT

THE BAD SECRETS MUST NOT BE KEPT SECRET ANYMORE

Any contributed content above is the subjective opinion of that member or external author, and not of Minti.com Pty Ltd. If you are searching for health related advice we strongly suggest you seek professional medical support. View our Terms of Service for more details.
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mystikal
November 2008 | mystikal
Re: Keep it a Secret
I was a victim of abuse when I was just 5 years old by some old neighbours it was horrible. My parents never educated me about 'bad secrets' or right from wrong and I think it could have been avoided and helped me speak out sooner than I did. I think more parents should teach their children that NO means NO and don't be scary to approach because sometimes they can leave scars for a lifetime. In my opinion "secrets" should be discouraged, as I would love to be approachable enough so that my children can tell me the worst of the worst so we can work through it together. Also educate children that it is never their fault as in my horrible situation the abusers made me believe it was all my fault and if I ever told anybody 'our little secret' I would be in big big trouble and they would tell my parents. I hope this has helped anybody who is thinking about teaching their kids.


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      nell18-3
November 2008 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret

I'm so sorry for what you must have been through.

Perfect example of a bad secret letting everyone down!!!!

Glad you are a survivor

xxx



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bluebeach
5.00 (Excellent) | January 2008 | bluebeach
Re: Keep it a Secret

that  is so true and i really do hope parents listen to it and also teenagers and everyone out there,  cause if it is a bad secret the quicker  a person finds out about it , the quicker they can help  the better as they could be affected by it all there life, expecially children. this is a very important issue to keep in mind at all times in our life to protect our children and everyone



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      nell18-3
January 2008 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret

Thankyou for your very valid input

xx

 



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whome
5.00 (Excellent) | January 2008 | whome
Re: Keep it a Secret

Thats brill i kept a bad secret for years i was terrified, iv always told my kids no secrets i will sort it. 



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      nell18-3
January 2008 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret

Its a shame that so many children and adults have to keep so many bad secrets

xx



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vlooi
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2007 | vlooi
Re: Keep it a Secret
Good advice Nel.  We just have to keep in mind that we are our children's protectors.  They have no one else.  We need to do what we have to in order to keep them safe.  If we know of any other children that are not being kept safe, think - what if it were your child?


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
December 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Thankyou
Great comment
xxx


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SamanthaKing
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2007 | SamanthaKing
Re: Keep it a Secret
This is great advice, I've always been worried about using the word secret in our house for the reason of bad secrets, so we try to use suprises and if I want them to keep it quiet I tell them we can't tell because we don't want to ruin the suprise.


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Its a shame that a small word can bring such "darkness" with it
Surprise seems to be much nicer
xxx


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bertiethebee
5.00 (Excellent) | September 2007 | bertiethebee
Re: Keep it a Secret
Excellent article!  Great advice - thank you very much!


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
September 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Thankyou for reading and commenting
xxx


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angelatheart
5.00 (Excellent) | July 2007 | angelatheart
Re: Keep it a Secret
Perfect advice


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | July 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
I'm so glad you liked it and agree with it
xx


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jaxsycam
5.00 (Excellent) | June 2007 | jaxsycam
Re: Keep it a Secret
fantastic article i will keep this in mind for my little one


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | July 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Thankyou I'm glad you liked it
xx


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tateote
5.00 (Excellent) | June 2007 | tateote
Re: Keep it a Secret
very nice article.


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
July 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Thankyou
xx


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lisasmith140483
5.00 (Excellent) | June 2007 | lisasmith140483
Re: Keep it a Secret
all i have to say is fantastic and i will burn it into my memory for when mu kiddie get a bit older


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
July 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
Thankyou for reading and commenting
xxx


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DivineSpirit
5.00 (Excellent) | June 2007 | DivineSpirit
Re: Keep it a Secret

Great article

I am a victim of incest, and I kept that secret until I was 21yrs old, My barother moved back home and I could not cope with him being there. When my I finally snapped, I did tell my parents in front of my brother. 

I have educated my children the difference of a bad secret and good secret. 

Please keep your articles coming ....

Love and Light

DS



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      nell18-3
July 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Keep it a Secret
What a terrible secret you had to deal with, I can't imagine the effect that has on anyone
Thankyou for sharing
xxx


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sonk
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | sonk
Wonderful mums
Thank you all great mums. I will take your advise and act asap. I know most of you cannot believe that her mum will behave in such a way but she loves her "new" husband very well and cannot bring herself to believe that he would do such an awful thing to her daughter. I do hope she will be able to get over it. God bless you all.


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sonk
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | sonk
Abuse
Dear nell18-3, I would be most grateful if you could help me on this one. Firstly let me take this opportunity to thank you very much for your article. What happens if a friend's daughter ( who can't keep the bad secret any longer) tells you she is being molested by her stepdad? What do I do? To be honest with you I do not know how to approach my friend, especially when the mum refuses to believe her daughter.  I do believe her. Hope to hear from you soon. With every good wish, sonk


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      MadMel
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | MadMel
Abuse
OMG
Take that child to the police station IMMEDIATELY!
DO NOT LET HER GO BACK
Take her there YOURSELF and tell the police that the MOTHER is a stupid idiot and doesn't believe her...
I am disgusted!


Reply Reply Report
           emmysmum
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | emmysmum
Abuse
i agree with you mel! What mother in her own right mind would not believe her child that she is being molested! sonk, how does your friend live with herself? The police need to be notified ASAP and that little girl needs to be removed from your friends care!
No one deserves to be treated this way....especially a young child!
Shame on your friend sonk!


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                MummaBear
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | MummaBear
Mothers' Instinct
What mother believes a boyfriend over the little person she herself brought into this world? I would hope that a mothers' instinct would kick in, or at least that the mother would remove the child from the situation until finding out the facts.  No matter what though, it's not a good idea to give the accused abuser benefit of the doubt.  Do what Mel said, take her to the police station and be her support, encourage her to give a full statement to the police but whatever you do, do not tell the child what to say, even it's a repeat of what she told you herself as the police will take this to be that you are setting the child up.  Can't remember the correct term for it, but just not a good idea to tell her what to say, just say something to her like "tell the police what happened" or "tell the police what you told me" or similar.  Good luck, and I really, really hope that it all works out for that child.  Thank goodness she had someone to turn to hey.


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      cazza
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | cazza
abuse
i know that you wanted helens advise on this situation, but i would like to advise you as a foster mum and a mum of 3, that if a child has confided in you and is frightened it is in the best interest for the child to feel secure and safe enough to seek advise from a social worker, or a councille in that area as she should be able to get the help she needs to protect her from this evil man....

Please let her know that you will go with her as well so she can feel safe as well..

And helen this article is great ...


Reply Reply Report
           lexiw
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | lexiw
Abuse

I have been in a similar situation as you and I reported it and the boy is now getting all the help he needs and is healthy and happy so PLEASE report it NOW !!!!!

 Lexi xxx



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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | May 2007 | nell18-3
Abuse
I'm sorry you are involved in a situation like this, everyone else has already given you excellent advise and i just want to agree with all that has been said already.
This child obviously sees she can trust you and has cried out for help. You heard her, now listen to her and do what everyone else says, get her the right help asap
As for the mother, any mother who chooses to dismiss the voice of her child, doesn't deserve anything and certainly not loyalty from you
your loyalty is now withthe child. I'm sorry you will probably be in for a bumpy ride.
But if you do nothing can you honestly live with that knowledge that you were asked to help
I know I couldn;t live with that
All the best
xxx


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      bluebeach
January 2008 | bluebeach
Re: Abuse

tell her mum you have heard some very worrying news then tell her what it is and also be gentel when you ask her to please act on this and stop it from happening.   the mother proberly will not believe you and her own daughter ( i know been through it when i was 14- 15yrs continuas) after you have had a talk with the mother , just incase she just says she believes you but doesnt really and doesnt do anything , dont say anything but go straight to the girls school and tell the princeble or better yet the counceller, then go to the police station and tell then this information came from the girl who told me it was happening to, cause i tell you if the mother doesnt believe you or her daughter it will just keep happening, and dont worry if you loose a friendship with the mother as it will most likly destroy their whole family when the truth comes out when it is too late so please act on your information now first thing 2morrow morning. if u wanna talk about it send me a msg to my username on here.  i really hope all goes well with talking to the mother and this will stop asap
 



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August88
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | August88
secrets
Great article. In the protective behaviours course they explain good secrets as ones that will have an end such as the surprise party or mums pregnancy. Eventually you can tell people. The bad secrets have no ending. You can never tell anyone. I am so glad they are telling kids this in pre-school. Well done.


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | nell18-3
secrets
Thankyou
Thats a nice simple way of explaining the difference between good and bad secrets
xxx


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mumof2b
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | mumof2b
Good secrets and bad secrets

I am a Pre-school Teacher and we are always talking to our kids about Good secrets and Bad secerts and how they can tell the differnece. We explain that a Good secret makes you feel happy or excited and makes other people happy and excited too and that with a Good secret you are able to talk about it.  A Bad secret makes you feel scared, frightened or "bad" inside and ususlly with a Bad secret someone has told you not to tell ANYONE.  We also talk about who they can trust to tell things to and that if the person they tell doesn't listen then to keep telling until someone listens.



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      nell18-3
April 2007 | nell18-3
Good secrets and bad secrets
Thankyou
What a great way for explaining it to young children
xxx


Reply Reply Report
emmie
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | emmie
brilliant
some children keep  bad secrets for a long time but really they should open up


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      nell18-3
April 2007 | nell18-3
brilliant
I know what you mean
It is such a shame for those that have to keep bad stuff a secret, I hope that anyone who has secrets like this will always be able to find someone they can talk with
xxx


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Deborahsc2203
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | Deborahsc2203
great
im good at keeping secrets as long as they are the ones that wont harm others ,, i have also taught my boys the differnce between the good secrets the ones you should keep to yourself and also the bad ones the ones that should be talked about ,, so far so good they are very open to me and ask me lots of questions ,,


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | nell18-3
great
Thats great
You always know there is nothing to much to worry about when they are open and honest with you
It is such a shame that the word "Secret" conjures up two such extreme differences
xxx


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urshy
5.00 (Excellent) | April 2007 | urshy
Remember the ol days when.....
I remember back in the school days, girls loved and hated secrets.  We loved having them, but hated having them about us by someone else. All different emotions would set in if you knew someone had a secret about about it.  Your mind would be a whirlwind of thoughts, was it a good, bad, lovely, terrible secret.  I will forever teach my daughter that it is ok to have little secrets, but it would be even better if she could always feel that can trust me anough to be able to always share them with me.


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      nell18-3
April 2007 | nell18-3
Remember the ol days when.....
Its lovely to get to that stage when your children will tell you everything
My daughter certainly does, she is 19 and believe me I know some things I would rather not know!!!
But I love her all the more for being able to talk to me
Thanks for your comments
xxxx


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emmysmum
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | emmysmum
trust
I hope my daughter will always be able to trust me through the good times and the bad....no matter how horrible or frightened she is feeling. i think trust is very important in every relationship... whether it be mum and daughter, father son, father daughter, mother son, hubby and wife....you get the drift lol.
This is a great article helen! Thanks for sharing.... this has opened up my eyes as to what secrets can do and what people can do with them!


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | nell18-3
trust
Thanks Kayla
Glad you enjoyed it
Trust is everything in a relationship I agree and once lost its incredibly hard to trust again.
I think you and your daughter will really be able to grow into a lovely relationship.
My daughter and I have one and I know I can always rely on her and she knows I'll always be there for her too
xxx


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yasmin78
4.57 (Excellent) | March 2007 | yasmin78
Fantastic
Having no "bad" secrets as a child it never really occurred to me to differentiate between good and bad ones. But no matter what we do to keep our children safe there is always the possibility of another child or adult giving them a "bad" secret to keep. You've certainly given me some food for thought, great article.


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | nell18-3
Fantastic
Thanks Yasmin
I'm glad you liked it
Its a shame that has to be an undercurrent of bad running through almost anything now isn' it
xx


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           yasmin78
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | yasmin78
Fantastic
I know, even sadder is all the abuse etc that happened to kids years ago because parents just trusted the majority of other adults, especially those in positions of authority such as teachers, religious leaders, scout masters etc. I want my kids to be able to trust adults but how do you teach them to also trust their own instincts? Hey there's an idea for another article if anyone can help answer that one  


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                nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | nell18-3
Fantastic
Yep thats a tough one
I usually tell my children that if anything makes them uneasy or uncomfortable then talk to me or another adult they trust
xxx


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lightbee
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | lightbee
Excellent advice

This is excellent advice.

Regarding not swearing to secrecy - when I was a camp counsellor, we also had to be very careful of this.  I was taught to be upfront with the kids and let them know that there were certain things that I would have to tell the camp leader but that by doing so, that would make sure they were looked after and we would make sure they weren't hurt.  But that I wouldn't lie to them or pretend something that wasn't true. By having that upfront, it helped develop a trust so that when things did come out, there was no hiding and that we could follow proper chains of reporting and the kids weren't made to feel cheated or betrayed, but loved and supported instead.



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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | March 2007 | nell18-3
Excellent advice
Exactly
Funny I learnt a lot about this at a camp too!!!!
I used to head up a teenage camp for 13 - 16 year olds and so was responsible for both the youths and the adult leaders too
But never being sworn to secrecy was a big rule and like you say it has to be
xxx


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Jessgore
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | Jessgore
secrets...
Even secrets from Adults should look out for these things....

Great advice


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
secrets...
Thank Jess
I agree
I'm always guarded too
xxx


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hermy
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | hermy
secrets
great article....and so true at how scary the word secret can be at times.....great tips to follow thank youi....


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
secrets
Thankyou
Its a shame isn't it that so many words have such contrasting definitions
xxx


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madchanny
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | madchanny
secret......i dislikes the word :)
my nieces always want to tell me secrets, i dont like saying yes because it could be something that needs to be out in the open, so i tell them now, that ill try and keep the secret depending on how bad it is,
Great Article Nell
xx channy


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
secret......i dislikes the word :)
I don't like the word either it always makes you think its "shameful"
I do still use it though but I strongly define at home there are two kinds of secrets and not all secrets should be kept a secret
xxx


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raych
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | raych
great article

I tend to not like the word 'secret'. For me it conjures up negative thoughts rather than positive. For fun 'secrets', I use the word surprise.  Thanks for your article.



Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
February 2007 | nell18-3
great article
I know what you mean and lots of us feel the same way
xxx


Reply Reply Report
cookclan
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | cookclan
Love it
You always have some wonderful advice to put out here....I just love reading your stuff but am finding it hard to leave comments now because how else can you say wondeful...Hehehe
Mwah
Angie


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
Love it
Thanks Angie thats really kind
I have problems leaving comments on your articles
your knowledge just blows my mind
xxx


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exquisite-flower
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | exquisite-flower
Change the wording
Over the past week we have had a lot of 'secrets' coming up to my birthday.  and after reading someones advice last week - sorry, i cant remember what it was, i got to thinking that secrets can be bad...so we have changed the wording here to surprises.  Because most good secrets translate to a surprise - especially at this age.  Although we have an open relationship and share most if not all our secrets - via dolls etc if not directly - i want to be safe not sorry,I am hoping that this works, but only time will tell....

Nell,your images are not coming up for me either - please get them back - I always enjoy what you find to illustrate your articles.  *hugs*
Peace
EF.x


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
Change the wording
Thanks EF
I tried to use the word "suprise' with my boys but we still always lapse back in to "secret"!!!

As for the images I haven't privatised any of my pics so not sure what the problem is but I'll have a search and dig around
xxx


Reply Reply Report
      exquisite-flower
5.00 (Excellent) | December 2007 | exquisite-flower
Re: Change the wording

Funnily enough I was just talking about this with my family this past week.  We still use the term surprise, and although secrets are shared and kept there seems to be a healthy balance and understanding. 

So in the last post I made here we were just implementing this concept, now (a year on) it is working - at least for the moment!
Peace
EF.x 



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           nell18-3
December 2007 | nell18-3
Re: Change the wording
Well done!
Thats great to hear your system doing so well
xxx


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mcm
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | mcm
Great advice.
I can't view your images Nell.

Now my girl is at school and has her own life! she does have things I don't know about and secrets. I would like to think she would tell me anything that wasn't meant to be kept secret. She is a blabber mouth and actually finds it hard to keep a secret anyway.

Great advice again. :)


Reply Reply Report
      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
Great advice.
Thats what my daughter is like
She loves to share everything, which is great for me as a parent
xxx


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allyp
4.88 (Excellent) | February 2007 | allyp
Great advice
Great advice.. When I think Secrets, I tend to usually think it's bad lol.. But not all of time it is. I just love reading your advice, thanks :)


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      nell18-3
5.00 (Excellent) | February 2007 | nell18-3
Great advice
Thankyou for lovely comment
Its always a shame when a word that can give you great feelings can also fill you with terror!
xxx


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