One of my close friends was abused as a youngster…. Not only did this destroy their faith in mankind but it also set the path to where they ended up emotionally…You see this was done by someone that my friend thought they could and should be able trust
and it not only affected my friend but it almost brought the whole family down in the process…a lot of people didn’t see this going on …it was well hidden and when people did find out they were shocked
This got me to thinking about how a victim of abuse covers up what is going on in their life. Although the symptoms of abuse may not be visible to the average observer past pain always shows itself in the way the victim relates to others…This is the human way of protecting yourself when you have to be in contact with those around you…a way to stop a victim ever being hurt, or betrayed, or powerless again….
There are many other ways of relating but for this article I am concentrating on just a couple that u may see after a loved one has been se_xually abused
- The good girl (or Nice guy) ……wallows in guilt
- The tough girl (or Macho boy)..Filled with rage
- The party girl (or seductive boy)… Is torn between fear and ambivalence
The good girl (self contempt) is your helper…she likes to keep the peace and holds onto relationships not matter what it may cost her…. she is pleasant but appears dead inside …they hate themselves and feel like they lack voice…they also feel tremendous guilt Their internal world is controlled, lonely, passive and filled with contempt for themselves…This girl doesn’t like to impose on others and gives without allowing herself to receive back … she hates that she is woman ..(the nice guy is also tame boring, unassuming…passive, isolates himself in activities other than sport cars etc)
The tough girl ( contempt for others) is a take charge, task focused hard hearted..She lives behind her own built walls… she doesn’t like to cry and hates to see it in others, she refuses to be dependent on anyone and sees her longings as weak… emotions must be controlled, she is critical and suspicious, she appears offensive and hos_tile, she appears to know it all, and is and will be in charge, she will always fight to the dea_th to prove she is right …people learn to keep their distance and she becomes a very lonely person (the macho guy…. Intimidates others, emotionally distant, physical or intellectual power)
The Party girl (split between the two) is easy going good time hard to read she can hate herself and you at the same time….. She appears warn and inviting but changes at a moments notice becoming demanding, whiny and fragile…… she feels it pointless to hurt, she is a storm front clear one minute and dark the next….goes from relationship to relationship, Very seductive and parasitic, never happy with what she has, always wants more, (the seductive guy predatory se_xaholic, talks se_xually, acts that way, likes to have se_xual power, no commitment to others)
How do you break the cycle? This is a process, and takes time…You can not expect change to happen overnight…there is no time limit on healing…
The most important thing is
a) make them feel and own their emotions…(self discovery)
b) freedom to express their inner world (self expression)
c) establish their boundaries so she can never be hurt or used again(self protection)
My friend went thru the gamut of these characters to work out the best way to relate in her mind…..and now sits in the tough persona..afraid to get close and afraid to trust ….. sending out don’t touch me signals to others…..
My advise is if you have a friend or loved one who is battling with who they are Don’t back off from them…… you may be saying the wrong things, or doing the wrong things, but it would be worse to turn your back…… You are their foot soldier and your role is to stand at the front line of their battle and be the strength….
and hugs
