Some of you maybe wondering what I am doing writing from a childs point of view. The following is a recount of my childhood and why I suffer from depression and anxiety. Here goes......

I was born on 20th October, 1980 to parents who had been married for just

My dad is/was a ceramic tiler by trade and was in the family business with my grandfather and uncle. Because of this he had to work long hours most days of the week, leaving my mum at home with a new born ( and I must add here premmie) baby. I was small and would sometimes cry. Three weeks after I was home from the hospital my mum took me shopping for the first time. She wheeled me around in my pram, getting comments from people, completed the shopping and left. There is a problem though, she left me behind. Most mothers can say they have walked out the front door and had to run back in and grab that annoying but helpful babyseat. My mum forgot about me until my dad's mum arrived at the house 1 hour later. Luckily they didn't call DOCS straight away back then and mum had been shopping there for months before this incident.

Things went well for another 6 months and dad would try to get home early and have Saturdays as well as Sundays off. Then mum started acting "funny". She would argue and yell for no reason. She would walk out and be gone overnight. Finally,  she threatened to leave and take me with her. Two days later my mum's mother arrived on the doorstep, got the house back in order, made mum go for long walks during the day and "happy" families returned. My grandmother stayed for 2 months and my mum returned to her normal happy self. 

This continued for the next 3 years.

Happy news! My family was about to have another member. My brother joined the family when I was about three-and-a-half. Once again things went well and we were a bigger and happier family. Then more happy news! My mum was having another baby and 15months later another baby brother was bought home. Once again we settled down to a happy life.

Then the worst thing that could happen happened! Less than one year after my brother was born, my mum's mother past away from lung cancer. Back in those days there were no mobile phones and my mum was home by herself with three young children and no one to lean on. My dad's parents don't drive and her family were up in Gosford where they were dealing with their own grief. My poor father arrived home to three screaming children and his wife lock in the bedroom. I had to tell my father that " grandma went to heaven today."

The furneral came and went, mum didn't get any better and my parents started to fight again. Dad decided that mum needed to move to a new house so she had somewhere new to start over. By this time I was ready to start school and we moved close to a good school. Dad now had to travel a bit further for work ( about 40 mins a day) but mum was happy and made some new friends.

One day when I was in Kindy my aunt arrived to pick me up from school. This was odd because she lived in Orange, in rural NSW. We drove to my grandparents house where I was told that "Mummy needs a special holiday for a few weeks". I later found out this was the first of three nervous breakdowns my mother had in a four year period.

I don't remember the other times except I got a special holiday from school for a couple of weeks. Thinking back I didn't really miss my mum during these periods of absence. During this time my mum also started keeping us home from school and would often fly into a fury and hit, punch, pinch and kick us. We told no one.

We moved again and I changed schools. My cousin was already at this school so I had a few friends. I was often late or absent and when my brothers started school the pattern continued. Eventually DOCS was called and my mum had to make up a story as to why we weren't at school. She is a brilliant liar and managed to keep them from meeting with my dad who had no idea what was going on.

One day I was home sick ( I had glandular fever) and my mum's sister's husband knock on the door. He didn't see me hiding in the hallway and mum, to this day, doesn't know I saw. They disappeared into the bedroom and appeared about 45 mins later. My uncle gave my mum $200 and left.

When I was about 10 years old we went to visit a friend of my parents. My mum and dad got drunk and left me on the lounge. Next thing I know my parents friend is trying to feel me up. I remember telling him that he stunk and he needed a shower and to brush his teeth. While he went to do that, I tried to wake my parents but they would wake up. I managed to go back to the lounge, where returned and proceeded to kiss me. I didn't tell me parents.

The rape didn't occur until I was eleven-and-a-half. I told my mum, she told my dad and we went to the police.

Three months later my took us and went to her sisters place. She was pregnant again and didn't want to tell my dad. Two days later my dad arrived while mum was at the shops and took us home. Mum arrived back home later that day, told dad she was pregnant and that she was not getting a termination. My dad said good because he wanted the baby too. Happy families returned again.

My youngest sibling was born and mum bouced back as usual. My dad said my mum was always beautiful. Mum started going out all night with single friends, leaving my dad at home with us. She started going to clubs in the city.

When I was twelve she told me that she was "seeing a black man" and it was "the best sex of her life". One month later she was crying because he went back to his home country. About one month after that  "younger men had more staminer in the bedroom". Great advice for a young girl heading towards her teenage years. Her younger man left her and she continued living with us, never being truthful to my father.

When my youngest brother was 2 yo, my mum went to the bedroom to make a phone call. She was on the phone for two hours and never once checked on my brother. My brother tipped over a heater and because my mum never bothered cleaning the house the house caught on fire. My mum found my brother in the middle of the lounge surrounded by flames. She scooped him up and fled out the back door. We lost most of our belongings. I had been away for the weekend at a special camp to help with what I had been through and returned home to find a burnt out house and no parents. Finally my dad picked me up and took me to my aunts house around the corner and I borrowed everything from my cousin and lived there until my family got emergency housing.

We moved into our "new house" and had been there for about 1 month when my mum woke up early one morning and started packing what few things she had. She came into my room and told me to pack. I did not and we argued. My dad came in and asked what was going on. My mum stormed out, calling me "daddy's little slut" as she went out, and dad followed her. She said she was leaving and taking us and dad said no. Mum said well you get out then, dad said no. Finally mum said well you keep those little brats then I never wanted them in the first place and left.

We didn't see my mum for one year after that.

One day mum showed up on the doorstep and asked if she could come back. Of course my dad agreed and she moved back in. One week later mum told dad she was two months pregnant and the father had left her. Dad agreed to adopt the baby and keep it as his own. She stayed with through-out the rest of the pregnancy and a little girl was born just before christmas. We were back in our fixed up house by this time. I went and got a job and had been working for about 4 months when I returned home after a longer than average shift mum had taken the new baby and left.

We didn't see her for over a year.

We finally started seeing her and she moved about 15 mins away. That's when my second youngest brother started to really make trouble at home. He ranaway to live with mum when he was 12. We didn't see him, our little sister or mum for over 2 years and we didn't know where she or my brother were.

When I was 18 I met a wonderful man. My wonderful man got me pregnant, beat him up and threatened to kill me unless I got a termination. I blamed my dad and one-and a half months before my 19th birthday and 8 weeks after the termination and the break-up, I left home.

I went to see my mum. She was pregnant again, had another little girl that I new nothing about and was living with a "junkie" who was the father of the other two and the one on the way. I stayed there for two days and then found my own place. During this time I completed my HSC and met the man who is now my husband.

I haven't spoken to my mum in over 6 years. Since then my brother has returned to dad. He didn't even get his SC so dad organised himto do an apprenticeship and get his SC. My mum has spent less than three years with the youngest brother that is living with my dad. He is now 15.

My advice is simply this......... before you make any kind of choice, please consider the children involved. I now suffer from abandonment issues, depression, anxiety, and, the worst of all, a fear I will become my mother. I find myself trying to push my husband away so I can justify these bad feelings. Luckily my husband is stubborn and refuses to listen to me.

I live now with two stepsons and two sons of my own. I caught myself saying something my mum use to say to my boys the other day and since then I have been unable to eat because I feel sick. My physical health has suffered and I also have trouble keeping a job because I'm scared that I'll return home and find everyone I love gone.

Parents, we need to be less selfish and more in tune with our children. Please don't stay together for the sake of the children. If you can't live together than admit it and move on. No child deserves the treatment my siblings and myself went through at the hands of our mother and, to a lesser, extent our father.

I have full contact with my father now and see two of my siblings all the time. The brother just after me is now having drug problems and refuses to see any of the family.

I hope this story can help parents and children alike.