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ADVICE RATING |
    4.81 (Highly recommend) from 74 votes (5911 Visits) |
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The mother of boys |
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by Joeyjo (March 2007) (rank 270th) |
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I had a conversation with a couple of ladies one evening, both of whom are mother of boys. The conversation was, to put it loosely, "how to raise them right". As women, we often wonder why grown men behave a certain way and if we believe in some truth in the Freudian mother-son theory, then we should probably examine the relationship that we have with our boys.
My husband was raised in a family of women. He has 4 sisters and a strong mother. He has a healthy respect for women. That is why we are able to work together in a business partnership. Often, he would attend mothers' group morning teas (most dads don't) and he feels quite comfortable in the company of a large group of women. The mums like him, they think that he is quite cool. I also like the way that he is, and would hope that my son grows up like his dad.
I don't have lofty ambitions for my son but I do try to make him understand the following rules:
(1) "You can play with girls. You are not a "wuss" or pansy if you do. And it's ok to play with cooking or with tea-sets if you feel like it". Quite often, I ask him to invite a couple of girls to his birthday parties.
(2) It's okay to show affection. It's also ok to cry when you feel blue.
(3) It's good to be groomed and to take pride in your appearance. Sam loves his hair gel - he is my 7 yo metrosexual!
(4) It is never okay to hit or punch a girl no matter how hard she hits you - even if she starts the fight.
His sister starts the fight most of the time, and I would tell him never to hit her back. I explain to him that he is bigger than her and will be much bigger one day, and he will have larger fists and greater strength. He should not get into a habit of hitting a girl and hurting them physically.
(5) If a girl says "no" then that is the end of the argument.
This applies to sharing toys at the moment. His sister sometimes changes her mind about sharing her toys or TV time with him, and I say to him that she has changed her mind - that's something that girls do and he has to understand that. He is resentful but I want him to understand that there is to be no "strong arming" a girl to make her give in to him. (Of course at the same time, I tell the sister off for not sharing her toys ... on the side)
(7) I tell him to be a gentleman. That means, "girls first You next". He cannot tell a girl that she is silly, stupid, fat or ugly.
I don't know whether these lessons will stick - but I may as well try to teach him the best way to be a gentleman!
He asked me once what girils like (he had the biggest crush on this girl in class - he was 6). I said, "you can't go wrong with flowers. All girls like flowers even if they say they don't!" 
From time to time now, Sam pulls a few yellow weeds from the garden and presents them to me.
"Here mama, I brought you some flowers."
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ADVICE RATING |
    4.81 (Highly recommend) from 74 votes |
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Re: The mother of boys
Thank you for your article. I'm very keen to teach my two boys to be gentlemen, but at 3 and 4, it's hard going at the moment. I think I will keep an eye on this article over the next few years, as a cheat sheet.
I am not sure I agree with you on one point, though. I disagree that when a girl says no, that's the end of the argument. I don't really understand why a girl should be allowed to rule the roost based on her whims. I agree that a boy/man should be respectful and polite, and perhaps should be able to recognise when an issue is not important, and to concede. But if he has a compelling argument in favour of something, I believe he should have the opportunity to present the argument. If my son refuses to share with his sister, I insist that some resolution be found (unless it's one of the few special toys that they have). If my daughter refused, I would insist on the same thing.
Ideally, a girl will be brought up in such a way that she is open to listen to other ideas, and be reasonable in negotiation, but that's not reality. So should a boy be taught to hand over the final say in all situations to the nearest girl? I ask my husband when I am going to do something important (usually something that will cost money), and he does the same for me. We talk things through, and when we disagree, it's not always me that gets my way. It's not all plain sailing, we fight sometimes, we sort it out, but I refuse to be a nagging or dictatorial wife.
Also, the "No means No" thing, referring to sex, I agree with completely.
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Re: The mother of boys
I have 2 young boys - I have heard about a study that was done recently (in the last few years) about what happens to boys as small children if they are not allowed the freedom to explore their more femanine sides. More often boys are much more emotional and attached to parental figures as young children than as a teenster. And the study suggests that if boys are continually expected to be "tough", "not allowed to cry", "brush it off", "that's girlie", etc as preschoolers they can ultimately become much more emotionally detached as teenagers and young adults.
This being said my 2.5 yr old has his own pink stroller (best $20 I ever spent), his own dolls (Matilda gets washed in the bath EVERY night), loves my nailpolish and wants his toes to be painted too, is allowed the freedom to cry and understands that when someone is sad they may cry and is also taught that we do not under any circumstances treat things badly (toys, books, people, the dog....). I guess I will have to wait to see how he turns out over the next 20 years.......lol!
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