Passing on Your Values to Your Children

My neighbors recently agonized over what to do with their teenage son who was lobbying to skip school one day to see his very sweet girlfriend who had returned from an exchange program.  They certainly didn't want him to miss school, since he sometimes struggles with his assignments.  On the other hand, they realized he was being very upfront and honest about asking for permission.  They understood it would have been just as easy to go behind their backs. 

Every parent responds to these parenting challenges differently.   In trying to decide what to do, my neighbors realized they were struggling because above all, they want their son to understand he has choices.  They want him to feel connected to his personal sense of power as well as the consequences his choices generate.  They feel that if he understands these two things, he won't turn into an adult who feels trapped by life or unable to make changes when necessary.  Considering all the full-grown human beings I know who live every day completely cut off from their dreams or professional potential, I see their point.  They didn't want to just issue another rule that would let their son off the hook for really wrestling with how to make a good and wise decision.

To tell you how they solved the problem would distract from the deeper point:  As parents, we want our children to understand and incorporate our most cherished values--that set of guidelines or principles that we've chosen to give our lives direction and meaning.   How can we be sure that our kids understand what we're all about?  How can we know our children are internalizing what matters to us most?

Here are four soulful suggestions for parents who are interested in passing on their values:

• Take the time to find out for yourself.  That's right.  A lot of times we struggle to be intentional about our values because we've never clearly defined them for ourselves.  Set aside an hour after the kids are in bed to imagine your grown children.  What qualitites do you hope most to see in them?  Don't be surprised if neat and tidy doesn't make the top of the list.   As parents we think compliance and cooperation are our ultimate goals, but you might find you're more worried about your child becoming a leader or being capable or kind.  No matter what image comes to mind, write it down.  You need to know what unspoken vision is hiding in your head.
  
• Compare notes with your partner.  What are the values you can both embrace?  Many times our most difficult parenting moments come when parents have competing or contradictory values.    I'm not one to think that everyone needs to be on the same page, but I do believe that we need to understand and honor where each parent is coming from.  Agree at a minimum not to undermind each other's influence--even if you don't always see eye-to-eye.  The truth is, kids benefit greatly from seeing their parents as individuals with unique spheres of influence who have mutual respect for one another.
• Tell a story.  Many times we can trace our values through the family tree.  You're not the only one feeling fanatical about being kind and generous--Aunt Ginny was, too!  Ask elders, cousins and grandparents to tell your children stories about your shared past.  In storytelling, we offer our kids a nuanced picture of the values, ideals and standards that run deep along family lines.  These stories help connect your kids to living examples of the values you hope they will one day embody.
• Make space for what's important when it comes to big decisions.  In my neighbors' case, they could have handled their son's request as just another episode of teenage irresponsibility.  Instead they saw it as an opportunity to offer their son the power to choose.  In their value system, they knew he would need a lot of confidence (as well as a heightened sense of engagement in his life) in order to face some of the challenges ahead.  The next time parenting gets sticky, take a step back and ask yourself--Is one of my key values being tested here?  How does this occasion provide an opportunity to reveal who I really am or something new about the way I want to live my life?

Ultimately, our children decide what values they will take from us.  It's up to us to be clear first to ourselves--and then our kids--about what makes us who we are.  With that kind of focus and clarity, we can begin the work of passing on our values.

What matters most to you when you think about who your children might become?  What values do you hope they decide to carry with them into the future?  Comments are open below.