When I came home from hospital ( please see profile for more details ) I hadn't seen our 2 girls now aged 4 and 3 for almost 10 days, as i didn't want them to see me with tubes in my neck, arms and other places, however i did talk to them on the phone. When i came home our elder of the 2 wouldn't leave my side for fear i would go away again, our youngest however wouldn't come near me and ran back to our neighbour for hugs, she took a few hours to wander back over to mummy, it nearly broke my heart. I wondered how their father and i would tell them that baby Samantha was not comming home with me. The one thing that they used to love was pointing to my belly and saying baby, so when it came to telling them that Sam wasn't here i also had to try and not cry myself, how could i tell these beautiful little girls that their baby sister wasn't in my belly but was with god. I waited untill after Sam's funeral (by law in Queensland if you are pregnant over 21 weeks you must have a funeral) and sat the girls down, i started by saying ....you remember how baby Sam was in mummy's tummy? they both answered yes so i took a big breath and continued, well i said baby Sam was very little and because she was so little she didn't live long, miss 4 then asked well if she's not in your belly mummy where is she? miss 3 just looked at me with big blue eyes and her thumb planted firmly in her mouth. I told them both that Sam was now with god and the angel's, thankfully we had taught the girls from a young age that god was in heaven with the angel's and that was their home and if they looked up in the sky that was where they lived far far away.  We talked about god and the angel's often and read childrens books about god, when it rains with thunder and lightening and the girls become afraid i tell them not to be scared that god wants to give all the animals, trees, plants and grass a big drink of water and also that the angel's are having a shower , taking photo's and playing ten pin bowls, sometimes a little imagination can go a long long way. Over the next  few weeks the girls realised that Sam wasn't comming home and we talked about her being with god in heaven often, they would ask me things like why can't baby Sam come home? and why is god looking after our baby sister? the only thing i could explain so they would understand  was that mummy was very sick and she was born to small and wasn't strong enough to come home with mummy and daddy. Then came the anger as i knew it would, i  was going through this myself, being angry asking god why and crying, miss 4 shouted well i want baby Sam here with us, miss 3 still with thumb in her mouth started to cry. I hugged them to me for a long while and i told them that mummy and daddy really wanted baby Sam here as well and that we missed her so very much that sometimes it made us very sad, miss 3 pulled her thumb out long enough to ask so sad you cry?. Thankfully we didn't take them to the funeral as i thought they were to little to understand and i really didn't want them seeing mummy and daddy and everyone else they knew crying, so while they were playing happily at kinder / daycare we were falling apart, we had a very hard time dropping them off at their kindy, they would scream and cry out of fear mummy was going away again, i had to give them big hugs and tell them i would see them after their sleep, this however didn't settle them and i had to walk out and leave them crying. Their teachers told me after about 5 minutes they were fine, this however took months of crying, hugs and rebuilding their trust. Soon the day came when i would drop them off give them a big hug and say i love you with all my heart, this seem to please them and they ran off to play without a care in the world. As time went on the girls soon saw my c-section scar and asked me what it was, i explained to them that the Dr took baby Sam from there and mummy had a sore sore, so the next time they saw me they said, that is mummy's sore sore where baby Sam came out. On what would have been Samantha's first birthday we all sat down at the table and held hands, we lit a white candle and we sang happy birthday to Sam. The girls then described what they wanted god to get for her bithday party in heaven like balloons, party hats, streamers etc we then thanked god for looking after her so well.  Its been over a year now and sometimes the girls are really sad, they sit down and look like they are about to cry, when i ask them "whats the matter baby girl?" they normally say i'm just a bit sad because i miss baby Sam. I have taken to responding with don't be sad sweetheart god and the angel's are taking good care of her and they are having lots of fun, besides baby Sam will always be with us in our hearts, how i can tell the girls this is beyond me since i miss her more than anything and sometimes i feel very sad and cry myself, although i have learnt along the way that you seem to have this inner strength that comes from deep inside you and helps you to carry on and take good care of both your hubby and your children, it helps you get through life when you think you just can't go on. When people ask how i'm doing i respond with one day at a time, some days are good other days i just want to cry my eyes out. As baby Sam was born at 24 weeks the only thing we really have of her is a baby scan taken right before i went into the operation, I was so sick i had to go under a genral anaesthetic, when the girls get older i will show them the photo of their little sister in mummy's belly taken just before she passed away. Thank goodness we were lucky enough to have family and friends that rallied around us to give us alot of support, it was the little things like cooking a meal for hubby while i was in hospital and the big things like taking turns of looking after our girls. We still talk openly about baby Sam, but i think the girls are handling it alot better now and won't fully understand untill they are a bit older. ~Baby Sam 25/01/06--25/01/06~