Now this is my first one so please give me feed back......... Pleasssse. lol

OK, The day i found out i was having a baby I was just 19. My hubby and I were shocked but ok with the idea as we wanted kids but After our wedding in the following year. Telling My family was the hardest part. My mum's first words were get home now your having an abortion. I think from then I "didn't want" Alex as much as I did 20 mins before. The day came where I had Alex in my Arms, He was so beautiful but so small. Tall buy really skinny. His ambilical cord was no bigger than my pinky and the doctors were worried about him but he acted like a normal baby so they were fine. All through my birth I had My mum ringing to see if she could come in and be at Alex's birth. I didnt want her there. Hell I didnt even want her in my life. I kept saying no and in the end told the nurse no more calls. In the hospital I was feeding him ok,he slept well and was a very good baby. I got home and everything was ok until she got there. I was feeding well til my milk kicked in and the depression started as with her comments. "oh I couldnt feed you or your sister neither will you be able to feed Alex". I was heart broken by that. my breasts got so big they honestly flet they were going to explode and Alex couldnt attach. Chris had to help me to "milk" them a bit so Alex could feed. The depression had set in so bad by this time that I stoped eating and Alex stoped feeding well and cryed alot. I was at my wits end and mum layed he little guilt trap and I'll help you i'm your mum routine. The worst thing i did was listen to her. she made me leave chris. I know no one can make you do anything, but when you feel like i did. ( sorry cant explain it) i went with her. she convinced me to put Alex on the bottle and I wasnt allowed to talk to Chris at all. I wanted to Kill myself, but I didnt that god. It was the worst 3 days of having Alex I think. I wasnt allowed to touch him it was like I never had a baby in the first place. I finally had the guts to tell here i wanted to go home and she madly took me home. I cryed and cryed so much and Chris forgave me but 5 years on there is still tension there. We went to nagala to see if I could feed him again and they gave me slim odd's but said if i try I might be able to. we went away on orders of nagala. I was ok til we had to come home and everything went down hill again. I was so depressed that I used to make Alex's bottle and feed him in his bouncer. I didnt want him and when people came over I acted all happy and motherly like. I think Chris knew how I was feeling Just didnt know what to do. After I tried to OD and my dad came in I got help. I was put on Zoloft, but that made it worse. All I did was sleep. Dad knew something was wrong and thankfully he had just lost his job ( i know that sound mean) He looked after me and Alex while Chris was at work then after my 20th Chris lost his job and i felt ok but I knew I was not well. I wish I had kept doing something about it. Chris was Mother and Father to Alex for that first year til I got over it.

Charlotte was Much different. I could feed her and did til my doctor said she is a healthy 2 month old, I said hey excuse Me 4months. He replyed with shit, she is under nurished put her on the bottle. I had failed as a mother to her as well and the depression set in again. I was very lucky that we had moved and lived almost over the road from where Chris worked. His boss gave him paid leave for a few weeks (his wife had had it and almost lost them both to it). We went to the doctors and was but on Lexapro for a year. I was better after that.

The sysmptoms of pnd are: Low moods, not interested in the baby, often doesnt hear the baby cry, anxiety in public, in some cases suicidal thoughts, irritability. a lot of the time you could say not them self.

this happens in 10 -15% of mothers and doesnt have to start in the first month as most thing you read say. My doctor told me  in the first 3 years you can get it. and some times for no reason.

Fathers and friends, parents ect... Look out for these people. the signs are so small. Sometimes you dont see it.

If you suspect you or your partner, friend, daughter might be like this go and see your doc immedeatly. if not happy with their opinion as some doctors dont believe its real, get a second opinion and get counciloring as well. This is something that we need to hit on the head early and get us enjoying being a mother.

I personally have found these sites very useful

www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advice/facts/depressionpostnatal.htm
www.depnet.com.au

Sorry about the spelling mistakes. And thank you for reading.