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ADVICE RATING

4.42 (Worth a try) from 8 votes (107 Visits)

Court case

Anonymous Author (March 2007)

The dreaded time has come to make the necessary decisions to be sure my daughter has a fullfilled, happy and safe life, with both myself, and her father. I want it to be as quick and painless as possible, but it seems her father is going to contest everything I

say and drag us all through court.

Because some stuff has happened that he doesn't like, he is doing everything he can to make me out to be the 'bad one'. He has been in my little one's ear already, and it has only just begun. She came home the other night saying 'daddy said he's going to keep me forever and your not allowed to speak to me and I'm not allowed to speak to you'.. She is 4 years old for goodness sake. Don't people ever stop to think what effect words can have on a child? We may not be friends, and I may have my own personal opinion of him, but he is her father and she loves him to pieces and I would never try to alter that, or take her away from him.

Now not only do I have to stay strong for myself and her, I have to keep my cool whenever I am around him because anything I give him to use in court against me, he will. How am I supposed to tell a 4 year old that daddy is just being silly saying those things, when she absolutely adores him, and believes every single thing that comes out of his mouth?

It's not easy, and I can see things are only going to get harder and alot more worse things said. So as her mother, what do I have to do? I have to stay strong, I have to pick up the pieces when he breaks everything, I am her primary carer, I am there 24/7, I work to provide a living for us, I have a roof over our heads, and food on our table. She has everything she needs, and most things she wants.

This is the hardest thing I have had to go through in quite awhile, and I have to admit I have nearly given up, nearly called defeat, but I look at my little girl and I get back up, no matter what, cos I know I have her best interests at heart, I am not using her as a pawn in some sick game.

I went through court with her father when we were together for his 2 boys that he has to another woman. I know how long and hard a road it is going to be, and the things that get brought up. Can't he see he is only doing himself damage the way he is going?

I honestly hope he wakes up to himself, not just for his sake, and not just so this sick game ends. But for my daughter. I don't want her growing up thinking she is the piece that gets tossed around and feels she doesn't really belong anywhere. I know the damage that can be done to children, especially at such a young age. Now all I can do is stay strong, and hope this happens as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

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ADVICE RATING

4.42 (Worth a try) from 8 votes

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| March 2007 \| exquisite-flower

Stand Tall

I hear you here, this is a matter dear and near to me also. I wish you every wisdom and ability to be calm and strong and a great example to your daughter that you will be a person she will respect and wish to emulate as she sees you handle yourself with dignity in this terrible time
Peace
EF.x

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	March 2007 \| Libby24

Court case

I'm so glad you were able to get it all out sweety. Good luck will be praying for ya.
mwa

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	March 2007 \| blackwidowkate

Stay strong

Hi
First of congrats for not sinking to his level.
It is not worth it.
I have fought for the kids to see their father all their lives. I believe that is THEIR right.
Now that they are 14 and 15 they are seeing him for what he is as they are now old enough to make their own decisions.
He tried to tell them it was my fault for not ringing them or not seeing them but they have seen over the years all that has happened
I have always told them that their dad loves them
He has said a lot to them about me and each time this turns them against him a little bit more
My daughter won't even go up and visit him no more. He can no longer blame me....
Now he has to realise what he has done....
If he bags me now they just tell him well mum says that you love us.....
He has no come back
Stay strong and teach your ex it is not about him it is about the kids.....
Just keep telling your kids that their father loves them...don't get angry or anything about him in front of them
Kids are not stupid...they will see who is in the wrong
On his other court case did he get custody after it all....
If not why not....
It can be used against him
He will have to prove you are a totally unfit mother to gain custody...
And after all he only wants to gain custody for a nanny to raise them.....that will look so good in the judges eyes....not
Hugs and prayers
Luv Deb

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	March 2007 \| MummaBear

Stay strong

So true about the nanny. My best friend is step-mum to 3 gorgeous young children and their mother recently wanted custody of them. She has been given every second weekend access with them, but she wanted full custody of them. Their father works school hours, their step-mum left work after they married to stay home with the children, who all still go to the daycare mum's house on a wednesday evening for 3 hours but otherwise stay home. Their mother and her partner work full-time and she had arranged a childcare centre to care for them from 6am to 6pm and a daycare mum to have them on the weekends she was to have them, meaning she wouldn't have seen much of them anyway. It does look bad in court. She had a husband to support her and could have stayed home, or at least gone to part-time work but wasn't willing to do so. You are also right that children will see the truth and they will know the parent who was honest with them the whole way through and the one who was the liar.

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	March 2007 \| cheekymonkey

Stay strong

It's definately a very trying time for you and your little one. As has been said, he's only causing more problems and damage for himself by behaiving this way. The courts won't make a rash decision because it is all about shared responsibility now and what is in the best interest of the child. Sorry, I didn't read how old your little one is, but I would recommend keeping a diary of how she is behaving, what she says etc after she has spent time with her father. This may prove to be of some help if he is putting words into her mouth and coaching her to say things like you have mentioned. Because that is not reponsible parenting on his behalf. I hpoe also you have representation in court, if not then I strongly urge to to contact legal aid or advocasy service. There are differrent groups in each state, but if you would like some info on these I could help you with contacts for few, so you can just pm me.

Good luck, Fran.

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	March 2007 \| MissieK

huge hugs

Huge hugs. My main advice would be to document EVERYTHING! Especially things your daughter tells you Daddy has told her. This can be invaluable in a court setting. Second, do everything you can with integrity to make sure you won't regret anything. This is important, especially with your daughter - she sounds like my boys - a parrot who will repeat everything you don't want her to repeat! lol

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| March 2007 \| Kellzacar

Court case

Oh honey . . . I know how hard this is for you and you are right when you say you need to be strong. Don't fall into his trap and end up name calling . . . just hug your angel and tell her you love her.

Cheers Kellz

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| March 2007 \| MummaBear

Never going to be in that situation, but seen it happen

My friend hasn't seen his children in over a year nor has he been able to contact them. They go through lawyers, but she moves and changes her phone number all the time so he can't keep track of them. She rang him out of the blue the other night to let them talk and when they said "Daddy" she corrected them, telling them their daddy will be home soon and this is another man, so they called him "another man" and didn't know what they were meant to say. They are twins who have recently turned 3. every man that comes into her life they are to call him Daddy, now he's not too sure if will be better or worse to tell them he is daddy and try to make contact. My own father tries to blame my mother for things still, we are all over 18 and if we don't call him (he never calls us!) he says that she has 'turned us against him' so it doesn't stop when kids grow up.

Good luck with it all, keep calm, show her you love her and don't say anything against him no matter how bad you feel about the situation.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| March 2007 \| nell18-3

I'm in a similar situation

I'm divorcing my childrens father for abusing me during our 23 year marriage
He can't get to me now through any other way than the children and he is doing a superb job messing them up.
The two older ones can cope. Although one doesn't talk to me and the other says her dad is dead and won't have anything to do with him at all. But the boys are so screwed. They have been told that he wants them so bad he is going to take them from me and get a nanny!!! They are told all the time that I am a Liar and that I am unbalanced. Fortunately he is forgetting that I have never lied to the boys so they believe every word I say, I have never hurt them and they also saw for themselves the abuse and even had to try and pull dad off in the past.
But it kills me to see them so messed up when they come back
You are absolutely right, all you can do is stay, strong and focused. Let your child see the love you have for her, don't get dragged into name calling games, just be a loving stable environment. Children are not stupid they know where they are safer and most loved.
All the best
xxx

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