Or dealing with difficult children part 2 (see part 1 here)

I have been reading a lot and thinking a lot about handling challenging behaviour in children and one thing really struck me today.

In order to work out why your child is behaving the way they are and in order to work out what form of action is going to work well on your part, you need to understand where they are coming from and see things through their eyes.  Books won't help you and other parents won't help you if you don't understand why your child behaves the way they do.

If like me, you automatically thought "how on earth am I meant to know what is going through his head?" when he often seems so illogical and I don't understand his reasoning, then, also like me, you possibly need to reconnect with your child.

This means spending time together - time playing together, cuddling, reading stories - in fact whatever your child wants to do.  Take the time to do some child-led fun - show them that what they think matters to you and that you want to understand them.  Yes, this can be hard when they are not your only child or you are busy yourself, but the pay-off will be worth it.

Make sure you give them positive comments as you go.  Be encouraging and respond to what they tell you, so they know you are listening.   When you start commenting on their good actions and traits and having fun, you can often start to see their good points, that perhaps were hidden by their demanding behaviour.

Sometimes changing your response needs a change in your mentality from seeing your child as the problem, the challenging child, to seeing them as the creative, independent, curious child that they also are (see my other article).

For me, it means watching my son, watching when he suffers melt-downs and trying to understand where he is coming from.  Why did he do that?  How does it look from his perspective?  What factors may be contributing?

If I can understand what led him to behave the way he did then we can
a) be more effective in discipline - treating the cause of the behaviour rather than just the symptoms
b) keep two steps ahead and prevent the triggers for the behaviour
c) work with our child to teach them self discipline and improvement

It also means understanding that it is not to upset me that he behaves the way he does or that it is necessarily anything I have done that makes him the way he is.  Look at the situation through your child's eyes and try to understand what they need from you at that point.

So my challenge is to examine whether you understand your child - are you connected?  do you know them?  how does their mind work?  I am sure that once I understand my children intuitively I can behave in a more focused and individually appropriate way for them.