No parent of the year award here

I am very sure as a parent that I am doing a good job…. I may not be winning parent of the year but I am putting my kids and their needs first and trying to be there without taking over…. A lot of the time

Then I look at my world where I feel somewhere, something has gone terribly wrong…. I am sure if I looked behind the scene of these perfect Super Parents there are problems and circumstances that I don’t see…No one can be totally perfect can they?  I am resigned to the fact that I’m never going to win mother of the year and I am never going to have perfect kids. I will probably always yell or lose it once in a while (ok well at the moment its more like every day but who is counting) I am sure though that this cant be the only thing that affects the way my kids grow up…I am sure they will still grow and become adults and not be overly affected by my inability to be a Super mum…But at the end of the day I want to be or at least attempt to be the best parent I can be

In an appointment with my son’s psychiatrist the other day I was asked what I thought my 6 yr old was trying to communicate with the way he is behaving right now? The first thing that popped to mind was that he wanted to annihilate and control me…  I also said that this is happening cause somewhere in my past I did something so bad as to deserve this…I got very defensive and then said "let me guess you are going to tell me my son is like this cause I cant parent him right…. This is my fault isn’t it?" Talk about emotional mess.... What makes me think that my sons outlook on the world is all about me? Talk about  self absorbed

a)       I am, gulp, only human… I make a lot of mistakes, I yell too much, I get upset, I cry, I close down, I go thru mood swings, I am stubborn, I am so busy trying not to parent like I have been parented in my past that I actually a lot of the time have found myself parenting just like that… I cant control how my kids feel or think or what they do, I cant be at the right place at the right time every time…and I shouldn’t berate myself when my kids stumble…I do have to understand where my limitations lie and what I need to learn…I have to recognize my faults and readjust my thought processes. I have to stop blaming myself or others for my short comings and I have to look forward or I may stumble while I am looking back

b)      I have to stop looking at myself as just a mum…I am first and foremost a person…. I was born Paula and just because I had kids doesn’t mean that I lose that Paula part of me… I need a life that doesn’t just revolve around my kids…. I spend so much time looking after j’s problems sometimes that I actually put myself at the bottom of the pile… then like a couple of weeks ago I am that run down I catch the flu and my body forces me to take a break and concentrate on me for a change…. sometimes my kids have to understand that life doesn’t revolve around them and their needs…

c)       No matter how much I try I cant save my kids… They have their own lessons to learn and their own battles to over come…. I can’t stop them from breaking a leg …I can’t stop J from climbing my roof or escaping my yard…  I didn’t stop my son hurting himself after Christmas…. Even though I have loved and parented him as best as I he still hurts inside ….Life can end at any time and we cant as parents control it…… we cant be in the car every time when our teens drive, or at every party they go to and we can sit there and play the “only if “ game but it wont change facts.. Life happens……if I do everything I can to bring my kids up and they still do the wrong thing or make the wrong choice then have I failed as a parent?

d)       At the end of the day what do I want for my kids? Do I want them to be carbon copies of my super parenting ideal or do I want them to be happy? We grow to be good people through the things we learn… at times we all may have to be pruned to grow. I want to believe that I can be a good parent…  and how I parent will eventually influence how my kids deal with life and then their own families. Sometimes I am so busy yelling and punishing that I forget that kids see all, hear all, and then do all…..

Yes I am probably always going to want to be a super parent and have the ability to do it all ….

But the truth of the matter is as long as I keep striving to be a better parent every day then I will continue to learn every day and i wont feel compelled to give up……

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