Part - 2 of  OUR ARTICLE ON IMPERATIVE PEOPLE OR Control freaks...

 It's important to understand how our backgrounds and our human nature have contributed to our actions. I know that I am secretly inferior and I also have an inner craving to control my environment...This

We are going to find out if we are

1. Driven by duty?
2. Dependent upon the emotions and opinions of others?
3. Are we acting superior when inside we feel inferior?
4. Do we have an inner craving for control?

Duty

Too much emphasis on achieving and conformity through your lifeToo strong a sense of responsibility.  Usually have burn out  don't want to displease someone if you c responsibility to others  as your duty rather than an option your ability to choose gives way to obligation.people pleaser's

Is this you?

• I do kind things for others to repay them for kindness to me
• I say yes only because others would be disappointed if I say no·
• After I complete a task I look forward to an evaluation as payoff·
• I smile when I'm unhappy to please others·
• I don't confront others for fear of offending them yet when I'm really upset I may swing the other way and be too aggressive
• It's important that I maintain a unblemished reputation

Learn

~Its o.k to say no

~To not shoulder the blame when someone has hurt feelings

~Stand up for your convictions even if others don't agree

~Its o.k to be different

~Its o.k to let others be different

~Its o.k to take time for YOU, to relax and enjoy life

~You can't earn personal worth.

Dependent

Performers that watch for other people's reactions, emotionally dependent, insecure people, often irritable, try to blame others for problems, try to control the behaviour of others

Is this you?

• After I give my opinion I tend to press my point of view if the listener doesn't agree with me·
• When someone acts in a way that bothers me I want to correct them or their behaviors·
• I can't listen quietly when someone says something that I disagree with·
• I don't reveal all my feelings or preferences when others may disagree·
• I avoid people who are as strong willed as me

Learn

~I cant afford to let others dictate my moods; the way I respond is up to me

~Though I want and need love, I wont demand it

~I'll state my convictions clearly, then allow others the freedom to respond as they see fit.

~We all make mistakes. No body is perfect

Inferiority 

Try to escape their inferior feelings by acting better than those around them, oneupmanship, know it all attitudes, bossy, intimidating, arrogant, to hide their inadequacies

Is this you?  

• My emotions are easily aroused when someone tries to make me look foolish
• When talking about myself I only reveal what is positive not negative
• When others discuss my flaws, I respond by pointing out theirs
• I am comfortable in my environment only if everything is on its place
• I avoid people who do not fit my social status
• When expressing limits to kids I have been known to speak sharply
• I hate to admit it's my fault when misunderstandings occur
• I have been known to talk someone down behind his or her back

Learn

~Its o.k to let someone see who I really am

~People pleasing behavior doesn't solve my problems

~If someone points out my faults I don't need to give attention to it

~When I make a mistake I don't need to hide it

~Pretending I am superior to others does nothing for my self esteem

~My self worth is given to me, it doesn't have to be earned by me

Control

Thinks of self and neglects other peoples needs, self is primary concern, like to be correct, be right, be in charge,control world and surroundings

 Is this you?

• get side tracked and absorbed in what I'm doing that i forget about those around me
• I'm not comfortable when i have more activities that time allows..I like to control my world
• I have to have my space and environment neat and tidy.... Nothing can be out of place
• I like to be in charge of  the thoughts of others and I will manipulate and slant the facts 

 Learn

I want to be more aware of other people's feelings and needs

I realize I cant expect Everything to turn out just the way I want it

I am responsible for my decisions; I chose not to blame others

I am committed for the struggle to relinquish control

Now lets look at how we overcome this?

Imagine now that you have a dog and he has lived his whole entire life behind the fence. You are a good owner and you feed him and play with him and let him inside sometimes.But every day he stays stuck behind the fence. What will this dog be thinking of day after day? When that gate swings open; that dog is gone.He isn't going to walk out, he is going to run.He is gone...

People are like this.. If they have to live every day behind someone's regulations they start to look for the gate. They become rebellious cause they feel trapped, bitter and depressed. They are there only cause they haven't found a way to scape yet. Now picture the same dog living in the country with no fences, just lots and lots of space. He enjoys the freedom and whenever you look for him he is sitting on the front porch cause there is no need to escape, he is there cause he wants to be...He has the choice.

I don't want my children and loved ones to only be with me till they see the chance to escape...I don't want to be that controlling that they are unable to have their own mind, thoughts and fears . If we keep wanting to be in total control we will never be happy cause the world and its people will never be perfect. When we learn to give freedom to others it doesn't mean we don't care about them.. It means they are able to think and feel and be without fitting into our mold.. They are more attracted to us as a result. I can then become liberated and have healthy relationships .I am free from the need of the need to always be right  and I allow myself to make mistakes.When I stop dominating people I am free to enjoy them more...

Freedom 

Allows others to be who they are.We accept them the way they are but it doesn't mean we always approve of everything they do

Allows me to be who I am.I can be genuine and open,

Does not eliminate consequence

Results in influence without control.. 

So how does this affect us as parents?

Learning to let go of control in parenting is not easy. Children cant always be trusted to do the right thing especially if its my children.. But children were not created to be our slaves and when we as parents allow them no freedom; their natural response is to rebel; especially as teens and then adults..  The long term goal of parenting should be to make our authority unnecessary but at present a lot of us Parents act as if our major goal is conformity.. Instead of telling our Children what to do; we need to take the time to talk with them about our beliefs and ask them theirs..

• We need to grant freedom on graduated amounts.set boundaries but make them larger each year as our children grow..
• Offer choices to our children as soon as possible.start off small and get bigger...
• Realize that telling is not the same as commanding..don't start power play games with our children.don't argue when they don't do what we have asked but do explain the consequences of not doing it
• Openly explore all emotions even if they are negative.allow kids to show anger or negative feelings and don't try to brush them under the carpet.....
• Establish equality with your children..Who are We to say that they aren't as important as us parents are?..its all in the way we speak, don't sound insulting.