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My 3 year old points out the obvious to people. She is always talking, she is friendly but sometimes says things that can be offensive. This week alone we were out shopping one day and a child about 4 years old had a dummy. She said to me a loud voice "Dummies are only for babies aren't they. They're disgusting" now before you think i'm terrible, i've never told her they're disgusting. While i've never used them, i haven't felt the need to tell her anything about them. This week also she asked my neighbour when his wife is having her baby. She's a big woman, not pregnant. She told the 3 year old next door (yes, the same neighbours) that her teeth are "black and brown and not all there" because they are all rotten along the top. She is very observant, and this is a good thing, but i've tried telling her that she can say anything she likes to me, but sometimes when we're out places she needs to talk quietly to me and not talk to other people. I don't know how to teach her what she can and can't say! Help!
Reading the above Q&A made me think about how everyone talks to other people. Part of the challenge with children is to teach them when it is appropriate to say things and when it is not. And then how best to express what you want to say. And of course the little darlings are going to botch it up for a long time and make you wish you were in a hole in the ground! But it's all a learning process...
I was reminded of a little acronym I was taught sometime ago to help work out when its okay to express your opinion on something. The acronym is "THINK".
T is True
The first question to ask yourself when you have something to say, is whether what you're planning to say is True. If it's not true, or if you're not sure of the veracity of your statement, it's best to hold your tongue.
H is for Helpful
The next question is, "Is it helpful"? Will it help the person to make the comment? Or if not the person you're speaking to directly, will it help someone? Maybe the person it is most helpful to you is you - especially when it comes to sharing about life experiences. If it's not at all helpful to anyone, this may be a sign that the comment shouldn't be made.
I is for Inflammatory
Is it a statement that's likely to cause anger or make a bad situation worse? If it is, maybe its not something you should say, or maybe you need to express it in a different way to diffuse the situation.
N is for Necessary
Is it necessary to say what you want to say? There are times when you have to say things just because they need to be said or because you made a promise to say something. On the other hand, there are times when you don't need to say something. This is a often a worthwhile thing to check in writing essays and speeches. With such things I've often heard the saying "If it not necessary to say something, it's necessary not to say it".
K is for Kind
The very last question is, "Is it kind?". If what you're planning to say will hurt someon'es feelings, it may be best not to say it. It's a matter of putting yourself in someone elses shoes, imagining how they might be feeling, and then imagining how they would feel if they heard / read what you want to say.
If you've thought through all these points, you'll have a much better idea of whether what you're saying is good to say or if you should express it differently or even not say it at all. If we can teach our children to think through things in a similar way we will be in a good position to teach them how to be tactful.
(April 2007) (
