Thanks to all who have commented on the other bits that I have written. Yes, it has been difficult and it is only by the grace of God that we have managed to survive unscaithed!
Having explained previously about my daughter - see "different thing for different 
people " and her forray into aldult hood and at the same time finding out my oldest son is anorexic (Part 2 of three at same time), you can imagine how I must have felt when just about two weeks into trying to deal with all my daughter's issues, I received a telephone call from a friend of my middle son. The caller said they were very sorry to have to ring me about this, but they were aware that my son has a great deal of respect for me and would, if I spoke to him, perhaps change his ways. I had no idea what the conversation was about until the caller said that since my son had moved out from our home, he had been experimenting with all sorts of drugs and the caller was concerned that he may be taking it too far, as he had already started showing signs of aggression. This was not was I wanted to hear!
Having to deal with this on top of all else was just about as much as I could stand. This was my son who had such a loving, caring and giving nature! The one who would walk across town in the middle of the night to help a mate who is in trouble - the same son that would not eat beef during the BSE crisis for fear of getting mad cow disease!! How did this happen??
My husband and I couldn't believe what we were facing and didn't really know where to turn for help or advice. There is a lovely elderly couple that live a few doors away from us, who have been like parent to us and it was here that we went and wept over all that the children were throwing at us. They were wonderful. They held us and prayed with us and we discussed what we could or should not do. We did not rush into anything until we had fromed some sort of idea as to what we should say or how we should approach it. There is a service in the UK called "Talk to Frank" that deals with all matters concerning drugs, and I contacted them. Basically their advice was this:
- don't make a big deal out of it (a lot easier said than done!!)
- give him the opportunity to confess to you, but without pushing him into it
- allow him the time to make up his mind if he wants to confess or not
- make sure you know about drugs and their effects - don't discuss things on the basis of hear say and speculation
- don't insist that he stops - this will have exactly the opposite effect
- be there for him, should he need someone to pick up the pieces (!!??)
- just love him unreservedly and let him know that you love him
- let him know you are concerned, but do not put him under pressure
Well, we knew that he would be coming round the following day to come and do his washing. I telephoned him and asked him that he comes round when his dad is home as we would like to have a chat with him. He knew something was up as he arrived too early for his dad and was obviously very nervous. Once his dad arrived we sat down and before my husband could control his tongue he blurted out with "so what have you been taking then?"! Not the best opening question, but under the circumstances to be understood! Fortunately, our son felt he could own up and discuss it with us, up to a degree. We talked about our fears for his health and safety, not only physical health, but mental health too. He assured us that he was well in control and there was no problem (don't they all say that!), but as it turned out, he probably was.
Over the next weeks, I had nightmares in which I could see him lying dead on the doormat when I opened the front door! It was not an easy time (probably an understatement!) and once or twice he got really angry because he felt that we were over reacting and he also was very annoyed at what he called "his so-called-friend" that rang me. I did try and explain that this person was a very real friend indeed, but he doesn't see it that way. I know that he still smokes the occasional joint and I try to make light of it if I feel I have to comment, but on the whole, I feel that we are through the worst and that he has grown up wonderfully well. He can also tell the hurt in our eyes when he realises that we have noticed and he does look ashamed and guilty! There is hope yet!
As parents, it is very important that you be aware that you too need support and help and you need to make sure that you find it. Even if you do not have family or friends to support you, there are organisations that can help. "Talk to Frank" is a good one on drugs advice and there is another service for just about anyting else. I used this one when my daughter started all this of, and it is called Parentline Plus. My children used to jokingly threaten us with Childline, but little did they know that I could call Parentline - and did!!
Remember:
Above all else - keep calm and stay in control.
Know what you are talking about! Don't go off half cocked with hearsay and speculation or old wives' tales! Children are well informed about these things!
Love your children - regardless, and make sure that they know that they cannot do anything that will make you love them less!
Keep the lines of communication open - you never know when you might need them seriously!
Make sure you have support for yourself (and for you as a couple if you are part of one). If you cannot cope, you cannot deal with our child.
And then love them some more!
(April 2007) (
