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We all go through times where we are stuck for the right words. We want to comfort or help someone but dont know how. The truth is sometimes words can be more damaging than saying nothing at all. Naturally we can send sympathy cards and immediately after the event express
our sadness and sorrow. However when weeks pass and our friend is still struggling to come to grips with their grief we need to be careful about what we say because sometimes words can hurt more than saying nothing. The loss of a child will have its impact for years, after 20 years I can still feel the pain as if it were yesterday. Last year my oldest daughter and my daughter-in-law lost their babies on the same day, hundreds of miles apart. While trying to comfort them my own suppressed pain and anger resurfaced and I had to work doubly hard to cope with the situation.
Be considerate.
Remember all people will go through the stages of grief differently. Each person will grieve in their own way some may cry outwardly, rant rave others will bury it inside either way they are dealing with it as best as they can. Give them time, listen to what they are saying, try not to offer advice quiet often all they want is to be heard and its quite OK to say you 'don't know what to say' that honesty is better accepted and more welcome than a lot of the platitudes that are often passed around at this time.
Do not say
It was an "act of God", regardless of whether you feel that way or not be considerate of the message you are sending and for those who believe this can be quiet a damaging statement to them as it appears to be a vengeful act by God who is not that way at all. For believers who have lost a child, they need to know the soul of their child is being loved and cared for, to tell them that their child's life was snatched away because it was God's plan or whatever way you wish to express it can be unbelieveable cruel and put a vulnerable person into a crisis of faith with they don't need on top of grief.
Don't say it was "natures way" of protecting them from something imperfect apart from the fact that this statement implies that nothing perfect has the right to live it adds guilt to the mother because she will immediately blame herself for doing something that caused her child not to be perfect.
It is cruel to pass it off as a non event, statements like "you can have another child" negates the love and value of the lost child. Whether or not a parent chooses to have another child is up to the parents and they will or will not when they decide. People do not have babies to replace babies, babies concieved out of love and commitment are cherished from the time the pregnancy is realised (if not before) and the lost child needs to be valued by all for however long it takes for the girving parents.
"Pull your socks up", "get over it" are vague statements that are really saying I dont know how to handle you anymore like this I need you to be your old self, they are hurtful and are cruel in itself because the person that needs to grieve doesnt need to hear that you can't cope. Its better to say nothing, hold the person and just listen. You can seek outside help yourself but remember that the person who is not coping will not seek or benefit from counselling until they are ready to do so.
There are times when we need to be firm and guide a person, grief is not one of them if you push the person to hard you can have a devastating effect on their lives, they can and will come through this sad time better to say nothing than make the situation worse.
Coping with Grief is a small book in its third edition for Au$12 you can assist the grieving person understand the process. Publisher: ABC Books Date Published: 1/3/1995 ISBN: 9780733304385
Be gentle, be sincere, be there!
(April 2007) (
