Depression! What is it?
Can you just "Get Over It!!!!" ?
Is it really PMT?
Am I losing my mind?
Fear, Isolation, Unstability, Panic, Out of Control
Depression! Just WHAT IS IT?????&
#63;
I had often heard of Depression and as a stable, educated, balanced and "normal" person I have always been irritated by it
Why couldn't people just "Get a Grip!!"
Up until my troubles really started, I was rarely a person you would catch having a quiet tear. I never saw the point in tears, they got you nowhere, so why bother?? So hearing about people who just couldn't stop crying at things, when from where I was sitting they looked like had a pretty OK life. It really used to exasperate me!!!
I truly believed all it took to cope with depression was a straight forward attitude to life such as
"These things happen, why waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Get Over It?"
Then I got hit by depression!!!
Actually by the time a doctor diagnosed me with depression, I was so relieved that it was "only" depression. A few anti depressants and I would be ok. It could have been a lot worse......at the time I truly believed I had lost my mind
Looking back, and with the huge benefit of hindsight, I can now see my depression is all down to the fact that I was living a crazy life with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Everyone loved my Ex. He would be the first person to help anyone, he did hours of voluntary service with a Medical Unit, he was active in the church, ran his own business and very generous with his money
What nobody else saw or believed were the times when he had been away working for days, arrive home tired from work so moaning as the kids were excited to see him, he would be sweaty and dirty, drop his washing in the hallway, shower, shave, change into his voluntary uniform and be out the door again leaving the ominous words behind him of "I'll call you when I'm on my way home so you can be ready for me!!" Or another favourite "If you are asleep leave me a sign so I know whether to wake you!"
For the last few years of our marriage I would have a violent migraine as soon as I knew he was on his way home. The children would stop laughing. The older teens who had been in the front room with me all week would retire to their own rooms.
He was insecure, he would ring me so many times during the day and if I didn't answer, I had to give an account where I was, Who had I met, spoken to and how long was I with them. The arguments went on and on.
I started being sick. Come the end I was being sick up to 8 or 9 times a day and I lost far too much weight. I would cry easily. I would be so scared. I would have to brace myself for every phone call from him, when he was home i would be walking on eggshells.
Then he was ill, he had an heart attack, it was pretty bad and he needed surgery after. He was home from work for several weeks. It nearly killed me!!!
The constant put downs, the criticisms, the insecurities, the checking up on me, the shouting, the mind games, the emotional blackmail, the feelings of absolute worthlessness............
Nothing I did or said was good enough. I withdrew. By then I had decided that if I didn't speak I wouldn't say the wrong thing, if I didn't do anything then I couldn't do the wrong thing I kept still and quiet and by doing this I angered him more.
I used to wake in the mornings, and as the sleepyness wore off, I would get slammed in the face with the reality of my life. I couldn't take it anymore so in my tormented head I decided it would be better if I didn't sleep. I kept this up for a couple of weeks and quickly became a zombie.
So now my poor children were left with an empty shell of a woman who was constantly throwing up, crying all day, silent in my own little world and frighteningly underweight to the point of becoming skeletal.
I used to look in the mirror and feel sick at the creature looking back at me. What was I doing to myself??
It was my parents who one day stepped in and took me to a doctor, he straight away diagnosed me with severe reactive depression, put me straight onto anti depressants (Yes I know I didn't want medication either but even I was aware by now that I was close to losing my life completely)
This turned my life around, not immediately of course, but slowly and surely I could feel myself taking control of my own life again.
So if you are one of the lucky ones who has never had to deal with depression, then please don't think how I used to think.
It is way bigger than feeling a little sad and sorry for yourself.
And those of you who know what I am talking about, a big pat on the back to us all for coming so far.
Yes, I am still on medication, I do have lapses of course. But I feel stronger, I have stopped the vomiting and I am now back to the correct weight for my height although I am still told I am too skinny!!!!
If you do suffer from Depression like me, or know someone who does. NEVER NEVER give up. You can control this and you can live a better life.
(May 2007) (
