I used to believe I was mental

I used to say to everyone :

"I have lived in a sane world and this is not sane!!!!!"

What was wrong with me?

I was scared!

It felt like everyone was ganging up

on me

I wanted it all to STOP!!!

As the depression I was now living with, had had the chance to get such a real grip on me. Insane thoughts would be running through my head all the time.

"What is the Point?
My children would be better off without me!
I was a pathetic person
I was bringing everyone down with me
It was all in my head"

I used to sit in my bedroom staring out of the window, looking at my car, and thinking that all I needed to do was go in the car and drive......find a wall.....drive right into it..... then everything would stop. The pain would stop, the torture I was putting everyone through would stop. The children would not have a sick mother to put up with.........

But I never did it!!!!

The thank you prayers I have said since then for the strength I found from absolutely nowhere to keep fighting it, are far too many to count up. Whatever insanity I was living, there was still enough of "me" in there to not give up and keep fighting.

The sight my children had to watch of their mother, still breaks my heart.
I would be sitting shivering cold, wearing two or three jumpers and wrapped in a blanket, wherever I sat I wouldn't be able to stop rocking or shaking my leg, I would be in constant edge of hysteria and running to the toilet gagging after every meal.

My daughter and my parents were amazing at this time.

My daughter kept me motivated and focused. She would encourage me and sometimes even tell me off but always out of love. I felt so safe with her. She would be afraid to leave me with my Ex and even slept on the floor outside the bedroom on occasion as she was hearing disturbing comments and conversations.

My daughter fears no one and if she has something to say, then she will say it. So if she did hear anything not right, she would walk in and stop it then just hold me as I cried. She was my life support system.

My parents were fantastic. The were on the end of the phone and the system was that whenever I had an hysteria attack, then one of the children would ring them and they would come over. Of course by the time they arrived, the man who had previously been stood over me shouting was no sat next to me holding me, stroking my back even crying alongside me with comments of how much he loved me and couldn't stand seeing me like this!!!

Was it any wonder I felt so insane???

The good news is that I wasn't insane at all. I was just a victim of abuse and suffering severe reactive depression.

The better news is that I am not a victim of abuse anymore!!!!
I AM A SURVIVOR!!!

To all the other survivors out there

WE DID IT!!!!!