Hello Future Parents;
If you are reading this than you are wondering about my topic and about finding an egg donor. Being infertile is a challenging place and you begin to exhaust and explore every possible avenue to have and create a child.
For all my Minti audience who read my blogs and articles, you wonder what basis I have to write on this topic as I have never shared it on this platform...well, here it is, I am spilling my guts to you again.
In 2002 I separated from my ex-husband and during a brief time of alone-ness, I met a woman at a party who shared with me a very touching and tearful story of how her only son tragically died in a car related incident. She was well over 45 years old. She shared with me that she had tried IVF with her partner on her own, as well as with a donor and was unsuccessful. As her age was an issue, she was at her very wits and hearts end with trying to find a donor and replacing the one enormous void in her life. This woman was no ordinary woman. She drove a Porche sportscar, carried an expensive logo'd handbag and carried a Platinum AMEX card. In my eyes, she had it all!
The one thing that she didn't have was healthy and fertile eggs. I did, although I was already just on 35 years old.
After hearing her story, I said to her that I was very sorry for her loss, and if I could do anything, to please let me know. (What I didn't know is on that statement I had indentured myself to her and her problem). Six weeks later she called me to ask me if I meant what I said. (Read above if you forgot what I said.) All I heard in that conversation was, "Are you a person of your word?". I replied, "Yes I am."
She replied, "Great. I have an appointment for you next week at Sydney IVF at 3PM. See you there." And there I was, committed.
I have no idea what I was committing to. She tactfully left out the part that I would gain 12kgs during the collecting month from hormone injections. I worked very hard on my figure so this was a very tough pill to swallow. She also left out the part about how I would have to inject myself for one month in the stomach every day. (I am needle phobic and always have been.)
After a successful collection cycle of 12 eggs (yes, that would be one year closer I am to menopause) she began her process with three successful embryos. The first one was yes at eight weeks but didn't make it to twelve. Every one was disappointed. Whilst she was waiting to synch her cycle back for the next one, she came to my partner's birthday party and called him aside, and asked him an angry and pointed fashion if I drank alcohol or smoked during my collection cycle. My partner was truly flaberghasted that this 45+ woman with a less than 15% chance of falling pregnant would begin to blame me for her her inability to get pregnant, even before doing all the cycles.
The second cycle was futile but the third one - WINNER!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! WINNER!!!!!!!!
But, you know what happened somewhere between collecting my eggs and the third try at IVF? She decided that I was unimportant in her life. Truthfully, even once she got the eggs, I never received even a thank you card. I had had dinner guests to my house that were more grateful and gracious than she was. When she fell pregnant, got past the first trimester and beyond, we caught up for a dinner. I asked her about her accusations and why she had failed to show up at my birthday party and failed to even call or send a text. She gave me a snooty dismissive answer and I dismissed her from my life and from my heart.
When she gave birth to her son, I knew the date and the place. I waited for news that the birth had been a success and none came to me. Who was I? Just a random source of the past for this woman whom I gave the ultimate gift to.
After the birth of her beautiful baby boy, I ran into her at a function. She knew that there had been some hurt between us, and she approached me and told me that she was grateful, and that I did an "excellent job". Well, let me tell you, if someone donates their eggs to you, never, ever, ever tell them that the did "a great job". A job is something that your mechanic or your cleaning lady does, but the difference is, they get paid to do it. A donor gives an act of selfless charity and give you the ultimate gift of life.
The child is now 2 years old and I bump into the mother in the oddest of places. It is still awkward for me. I have forgiven her for the pain she caused me and now that I am a mother of a beautiful child, I know what compelled her to ask a bleeding heart like mine for something. Whilst I never regret learning to give in a whole new way, I have learned a lesson about graciousness. Australian law forbids paying a donor, but that is no bloody excuse for un-graciousness. What is a child worth? (Not what do they cost, mind you, IVF is very expensive.) What did this person do for you? Find a way and show them you are appreciative. There is no guarantee that you will get a child even with a donor, (there are mitigating factors and ultimately it is up to nature with a nudge from science) but it doesn't lessen the value of the gift or the effort that went into it for you - I think this consideration gets lost with many prospective parents.
So... How tos:
1. If you are talking to a potential donor - be totally and brutally HONEST! LEAVE NOTHING OUT!
2. Think about the future implications of a donor. Yes, you want a baby but how does the other person feel after you got what you wanted from them? Where will your relationship be whether or not a baby eventuates? Consider all the angles.
3. If you have blame, don't take it out on your donor - clearly, they did you a favor. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth as the proverb goes...
4. Like the leper in the Bible, remember to say thank you. Think about what the gesture is worth and thank them in a way that is appropriate to the act.
5. Let everyone know where they stand and manage time expectations. Be contiencious of your donors time. IVF sessions, blood tests, counseling meetings etc. all take time. Let your donor know what will be expected of them from the start. Work around their time schedule.
Again, no regrets about giving the ultimate gift. What I would caution anyone considering being a donor is about getting all the facts about what it involves and how it will impact you upfront. Know the person you are donating to. I have never once felt an emotional attachment to the child, and this was done before I had my son. Even now, I feel nothing (strangely) although I have heard that he and my son bear an odd resemblance and have the same tendencies. My only regret is whom I gave the gift to, and there is no "Indian Giver" in IVF. If you find a willing person - cherish them. I am not bitter and twisted about this experience although it made me a different person in many ways. Good Luck in your search - Stephenie
(May 2007) (
Amanda
