More Advice about Sharing Your Values with Your Kids

In Self-Esteem, A Family Affair,  Jean Illsley-Clark talks about the different developmental stages kids go through and the messages they need to hear to grow up healthy and fulfilled in every sense of the word.   I was surprised to learn that ages 6-12 is the time when most children decide what family rules and values they want to keep for themselves and which ones they will let pass by the wayside.   Very young, don't you think?  Knowing this has changed my tactics when talking to Madeleine about the things that are important to me in life.  I understand that she may or may not decide to take on my values; knowing this gives me an opportunity to respect her burgeoning autonomy and growing desire to make her own choices.  

Here's how I recently approached a conversation with Madeleine about sharing/hospitality:

"Mad, you may not know this, but one of my favorite values is being welcoming to strangers and including new people into my life.  My mom can tell you stories about how I used to do this when I was really young--I was always eager to invite someone over, especially if that person was feeling alone or was from a foreign country.  This is a really strong value of mine, and that's why I get really serious and upset when I think you are ignoring someone who's hanging out with us.  But I understand you may or may not decide to take that value for your life, and that's okay with me, believe it or not!   I guess the most important thing to me is that you understand why I care so much and that you respect my value, no matter what, while you're deciding."

The interesting thing about this approach is that it creates a lot of space for your child to honestly consider your value without feeling the pressure to conform or rebel.  It also gave Madeleine a chance to ask me questions about my growing up years and how my values were the same or different from my own parents.  I noticed after this that Madeleine tried a lot harder to get along with one little girl who comes to our house regularly.  I don't know if she'll live with the same kind of open door that she's grown up wtih, but I think she's at least able to think about it a little bit more deeply, no matter what she decides.

Can you name the values that mean the most to you?  Sometimes that is the first step in helping you share with your kids what matters to you most.

Common values include:
respect
responsibility
playfulness
compassion
sharing
being prepared
working hard
doing your best
serving others
saving money
honesty

Feel free to declare your favorite family values in the comments below.