Minti - Curfews...How much independence you give is your choice...

	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2007 \| Feresto

teenagers need independace

as a 17 year old i'd like to put my two cents in. now we don't have a system as such in our household but let me tell you an ideal way. and i'm sure you'll see the sense in it.

as a child who does not have a car it's hard to move around very much and hard to go long distances. so i believe a curfew is probably not the greatest way to go for anyone without their own mode of transport

on a school day children should generally be picked up or head straight home, it's safer for them and then the homework can be done.
on a weekend one day should be put aside for a rest and the other for work. christianity and judaism say do not work on the sabbath, and that's a great way to make people more productive. if kids get all day saturday to play then they can do their homework on sunday before school starts for the week. most kids in my area play in the streets or close by and can be called easily by the parents. if the kids want to go to a friends house who lives further away then drive them there and pick them up later. for kids up to the age of 14 there should be a pickup time, it's easier to make a time when you wouldn't mind having a coffee. because the kids are generally going to want more play time and let's face it, you'll want to ask the other parents if your kid was okay and behaved well.

for people aged 15 and up a bit of leeway should be givenin the afternoons. but on weekends if you have to pick them up then it's whatever time gives them a long time with their friend but without it being too much of a hassle for you. they want picking up at 10 but you have to work at 6 in the morning and it's a half hour drive there and back? make it 9, if they're watching a movie and it's only got 10 minutes to go let them watch it. but 20 minutes and you gotta get your kid outta there.. ask if you can borrow the movie and return it later or if it's a rental tell your kid you'll rent it out for them if they do all their homework. and if they already do it then they should be getting a small treat every now and then anyway.

what if they're driving your car sometime?
do whatever is more convenient, but whatever time you need to get home from work is when you need the car, they can cruise for 2 hours afterschool as long as they pick you up at the right time.
or on the weekends when do they get the car? simple, it's your car. if you need to use it they need to let you have it, if they don't return it by the pre-arranged time (unless it wasn't their fault or they stopped for petrol and wern't too much later) they don't get to borrow it again for a month, they coped without it before, they can bus or walk, or if you're nice you can drive them where they need to go, the only thing it's going to hurt is their pride.

and if they have their own transport.. they don't need a curfew, they need a check in
i like to go out with my mates late at night to watch the stars and chat about life. but i call my mum and give her an estimated time when i'll be back. i have a key to get in the house, i don't wake up anyone else, just my mum to let her know i'm home.
it's their own fault if they're tired the next day, they need to get up in time to do whatever is nescessary, chores, school, work. but as long as they accept responsibility for it then it should be fine. at this point in their life you are merely a fallback plan that they'd rather not have to use. once they move out you're still going to be a fallback plan but you wont be called on as much. (except for the first few months when they're away from home the first time. that's when they learn that they need to lift their game a little to do the chores that need to be done.

in conclusion a curfew will be set by need. you don't need to know where your 17 year old kids are all the time, checkins should be suitable. because if they are doing the right thing then you can call them and they'll be sober in a park with friends and not stoned in a frat house.
but keep a tighter reign on your younger kids, they'll learn that if they show maturity in their ability to stay out of trouble then they will be allowed more freedom. and the steadier the freedom is given the more they will respect you.

Typical Conversation:
Child: *The Pitch* But johnnys parents let him stay out till 10
Parent: *The Windup* (basically just doing some light teasing with a little love* Just because johnnys parents give him a curfew of 10 doesn't mean that you get one of 10. i like to make sure you're okay
Child: *Whinging* you just don't love/trust me do you
Parent: *Statement* i do love/trust you
*gives excuse/reason* (such as - but i need to go out early in the morning so you can blame me for having to drag you away early)
Child: *Compromise* (such as - how about you pick me up at 830 and not 8)
Parent: *Accepts because you were already making it a little early anyway* - that sounds like a fair compromise but we'll have to go straight away
Child: *Disbelief* cool, i'll see you at 830 then!

it's not going to work all the time, sometimes the kid's going to compromise too much, but you can always say no, even if they whinge and sulk they wont hold it against you forever

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Curfews...How much independence you give is your choice...

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