I am going thru this heartache at the moment. My boy has met a very promiscous girl and has just informed me that he's moving into her house (her mother has turned him against me). The family won't even let me talk to him and phoned the police when I went there to confront them. How do I move on?

HI Marpal,

Ive had the same thing, although the police were not called... they live down the end of my street  :-(  which is even harder

My son, who has just turned 18, was always (and still is) a very compassionate boy, however, since meeting this girl, who is 16, he has gone quite feral.

My biggest concern was, he moved in with this girl and her ENTIRE family, married sisters, mother, father, son in laws, grandchildren etc only after 2 months of seeing each other... he's been there for 4 months now.... and there are no rules nor boundaries in that house

The reason.... he wants to be with her for the rest of his life.... I tried to explain to him that he has his whole life left  to settle down into the "married senario" but that only ended in conflict.

Harsh words, really really harsh words were spoken by him AND his girlfriend and in turn, I asked him to leave and never come back until he has learnt to speak to me with respect.

Needless to say I was called ALL the hurtful names under the sun, which I cried about for days in private, my 2nd son tried to explain to my eldest that "I was Mum, and Mum's shouldnt be spoken to like that" in return all he got was abuse also.

Yes I am Mum, but no, I am not perfect, although I find that I no longer have the strength to fight or argue with him.... he will learn in his own time... my point of focus is now my other 3 sons, and my partner, my health .

He makes it known that he's driving past our home, stereo doof doofing, motor revving and loud exhaust, but I remain calm, and think to myself  "My son, my son, I love you, I don't understand you right now but please, you need to make smart choices"

He's 18, he knows it all, nothing I seem to do or say is warranted so I've got no choice but to let him be... he's an adult now, apparently, all I can do is sit back, have bandaids and lots of Mother's Glue on hand incase it all goes sour and he brings his wounded heart back home.

The saddest realisation was, when he moved out, (whilst I was doing the weekly grocery shopping) he took every little thing, including his baby teddies, trophies, certificates, handmade money boxes... EVERYTHING.... so now my household, apart from the photos I have, shows no existance of him ever being here. I asked him why he took everything and his comment was "Well Mum if anything happens to me I'm sure she will give you something back"  and then I asked why he had to do it when I wasn't home (I missed him by 5minutes) and he said SHE wanted to go out and he didnt have time to wait....  omg

I really don't know what advise to give you, other than stay strong, the rest of your family need you. It's been a week now since I have exchanged texts with my son and in all honesty it's been the longest week of my life, but the fact he still drives past is God's way of letting me know he's ok.

I'm sorry to hear that, chicksta! This situation is exactly like mine, even down to him taking every little thing so I don't even have any reminders about him.

I have also been the target of his abuse. After receiving legal advice, I have decided to let him go. As you have said, I have 3 daughters that I have to take care of as well.

This situation has broken my heart!

Stay strong Marpal

It's so sad to know someone else has the same heartache...

I sometimes feel like I am on auto-pilot as I function to do the rest of the "family things" with my other 3 boys and my partner... there's always a void that's missing.

I'm told by my very good friend, grieving is an emotion we all go thru and it doesn't mean someone has to pass away... it could be the fav pet passing, the breakdown of a relationship, the separation of best friends or in my case.... it's my son moving out... the best advice I was given was for me to "shut-up" and only say calm, positive words... trust me - this has an affect that leaves them somewhat gobsmacked because they expect you to rant and rave.

You can cry as much as you want when they are not looking   :-)  just stay strong and calm in front of them... if you feel like you are slipping say the words in your head "My son to me you are precious, I AM a good mum, and she will never take that from me no matter how hard she tries"

Truth is girl/boyfriends come and go.... but we only get one Mum

On quiet moments I reflect back on his whole childhood... should I have done this? Should I have done that? What if I said that instead of this   etc etc  but at the end of the day he is where he is because we dared to have boundaries and we were strong eneough to stick to them - totally to his disgust.

It wasn't until one night when I was sitting at the dinner table, carefully watching my other 3 children and partner, and even though they didn't say one word I could see the loss and heartache in their little eyes that the big brother they simply adored could be so nasty...  that's when I decided it was time for me to let go and I ceased all contact. I had the attitude, well my son, if you want to be a grown up - how about you stand on your own feet and make smart choices all on your own without my guidance.

Yesterday, I was in my kitchen, I heard his car pull up and my initial thought was take a deep breath as I was expecting the worse ie, more abuse, more dictating and more tongue-lashings...

Instead, he walked in my door, straight up to me and gave me the biggest hug I've ever had. I'm not sure why and I didn't question. He sat and spoke for a while, ( a real conversation) he then interacted with his brothers, then he raided my lolly jar   :-)

There are some things that girls will lead our son's to do, and vice versa, but at the end of the day I now know for a fact that, the sweet, loving child we gave birth to and raised is still there, he's just trapped in a teen body running rampant with teen hormones....

I cant expect him to give me answers, truth is, he doesn't have the answers, he did however mention that he thinks about HIS family at night when all is quiet.

My lesson in all of this heartache is: he's my son and it doesn't matter how big, how old, where he goes or what he does, one thing will never change.... he's still my son... I gave birth to him... and there isn't any girl who will ever take that away from me.... or you for that matter Marpal

Before my son walked out the door yesterday, I kissed his cheek and told him it was lovely to see him again and that he was welcome here anytime. He tooted as he drove off.... and once again... my heart broke.

Tomorrow could be a totally different scenario    :-)