Living in the real world with real children and parents!

I have often wondered if I am the only parent in the world, who has children that have done things behind my back, told me lies or even stole money. Sometimes, when you listen to other parents rave about how lovely/good/honest/clever-obedient.... their little angels are I think I must be a terrible mother, because although I love mine dearly, they are "real" children who have pushed the boundaries on all fronts and on looking back, I am glad that I have been honest, not only with myself, but also with the children and people I meet.

My children have always known that honesty is the best policy. But just because they knew this, didn't mean that this was what they always practiced. It isn't easy or pleasant for me to have to admit that one of my children tends to tell a lot of lies! No amount of punishment, discouragement or downright disappointment has made a great deal of difference. This child seems to feel the need to exaggerate and embellish stories and very often, when asked a question, will give you the answer you would like to hear - this may or may not bear any resemblance to the truth. I am always deeply saddened when I discover yet another "story". The only way I know how to deal with it, is  honestly. I would point out that I was aware of the untruth, and could I please have the truth. This may or may not work. It isn't malicious, I think it is out of a need to feel important.

Another problem I have come across is stealing. Again I confront and make the child return and apologise as well as punish them by taking away some privileges. As a mother, this behaviour hurts and makes one feel like a real failure.  What I am getting at is that our children are not perfect - no matter how well we bring them up and teach then the right things to do, they often disappoint us by doing what they have been taught is wrong - for whatever reason.

The reason I started writing this is as a result of one member who had a lot to say about parents who are trying to keep their children safe on the internet - doesn't matter which method is used. As parents we love and trust our children, but we should also be realistic in that we live in a world that doesn't away encourage honesty & trustworthyness . We also have children with curious/inquisitive natures who often, when brought up to be confident, will push the limits well behond what is set, or will try things behind your back, because they have an often misplaced belief in their own infallibility or believe that nothing will happen to them. This is why it is such an important aspect of parenting to maintain good, clear, open lines of communication with your children. They need to also know that you love then enough to accept them for who they are, but not only to accept - also to challenge wrong or unacceptable behaviour and above all to keep them safe - specially from themselves. This is important while they are younger (early teens). As they grow older, they have to start learning that actions have consequences and that they have to accept these.

This means that even if you are monitoring what your children are doing on the internet, you should not always intervene unless they are at risk!  Any other unacceptable behaviour may have to be overlooked or discussed calmly and rationally at a later time. This more often than not is a lot easier said than done - I know! I've been there. When I had internet problems with my daughter we were monitoring her old conversations to make sure that he wasn't trying to persuade her to do something foolish, like running away with him and during this we came across a lot of things that we would have liked to challenge, but you have to pick the really important issues to fight over.The others you have to let go. As they get older and become more responsible the level of protection has to decline. This will probably start happening naturally as you see your child mature and make more and more sensible decisions.

Thankfully there does come a time when you can ease up, but I do believe, that as a parent -it doesn't matter how old your children are - you will always want to protect them. You never stop being a parent just because your offspring are no longer children!

Enjoy them & love  them, but don't forget you are parent and protector until such time that they are able to look after themselves. When that time is, depends on the individual child. It is sad to say that I have seen far too many cases where parents have trusted the children unreservedly, for the children be deceitful behind their backs. I am adult enough to accept that my children have done things behind my back that they know full well I would not approve of. But then, as a child, were you always honest, obedient and did you always do what was expected of you? Isn't that how you learned a lot of things?  Accept your role as protector while it is needed, but learn to let go when the time is right. Never stand in judgment of what another parent is doing, until you have all the facts and unless you have positive useful advice to offer.