Divorce

                  My first marriage ended in divorce. When I finally decided that I could no longer tolerate the things he put me through…….

                Divorce is a very stressful time, not just for parents but for children as well. Children will experience feelings of sadness, anger and anxiety. Remember that even though you may feel relief, your children may feel a sense of loss. Be aware of this and make sure you speak openly and honestly to them.

                Explain to your children that they are not to blame. All children need to hear this and both parents should be present when this is being discussed. Not all children will have the same reaction when they are told the news. Some children may ask questions, some may cry and some may not show any emotion at all. For those children who become upset make sure you give them plenty of reassurance.

n      You need to make sure your child is aware that their feelings are important

n      Be a good listener

n      Help them express themselves

n      Offer lots of support

               When children are younger, things appear easier; always make sure they have consistency in their lives. Signals that they may be under stress could show up in their behaviour;

n      Anger

n      Crying frequently

n      Power struggles

n      Regress to baby behaviour

n      Tantrums

               Reassure your children and make sure they have individual time with each parent this will help children understand that both parents still love them. This will be more necessary as they get older. Children will always hold a hope that his/her parents will reunite. You must be honest with your children and remind them of the reality in the situation. Make sure they spend time with both of you separately; this will help with the reality. Expect adjustment to take a while. Some reactions to stress of divorce can last month’s even years.

              The occasional argument between parents is expected in a healthy family, but living in a battle field can place a heavy burden on children. Parents who maintain their anger will find that their children will have continued emotional and behavioural problems. What ever custody arrangements you have agreed on, always remember that your child’s need always came first.

n      It is important that you keep regular routines

n      You should not put blame on the other parent. Do not put your child in the middle

n      Consistency is important do not be ashamed to ask for help

              If you are able to make a healthy adjustment, so can your child. Recognize the signals of stress. If there are problems you are concerned about consult your child’s Doctor or a child therapist.

             One important point that you have to remember is that many of the elements that help children thrive in an intact family are the same as the ones that will help children thrive in a divorced family. With good support, children make the adjustment to divorce.

              I know this may not be possible in some situations, but it’s what worked for my children and me.

              I hope this helps……………..