When your husband's the stay-at-home parent

Almost four years ago, my husband and I decided it was time to make some changes. I was progressing in my career, taking on greater responsibility as a communications manager, but he was stagnating. He’d been in the transportation industry for all of his working years and he’d

After a few months of soul-searching and a little number-crunching, we decided we could survive on one income, as long as we didn’t have any more daycare bills. (We also had to cut out a bunch of things like cell phones, an extra vehicle, a cleaning person, magazine subscriptions, etc.) He quit his job, signed up for University part time, and became the primary care-giver to our three daughters.  

At first, it was a little rocky, getting used to this new arrangement. It was good for us, but we found ourselves butting into some of the roles we’d defined for ourselves in our marriage and shared parenthood. Whose responsibility was it to act as primary school liaison? Who’d get the girls clothes ready in the morning? Who’d make their lunches? Some of the routines we’d already established were fairly well ingrained and suddenly we found ourselves having to readjust things and retrain our daughters to shift their expectations of us.   

Family transition such as this can take its toll, but if you work your way through it, you CAN end up stronger for it. Here are some of the things I’ve learned in the last four years.  

1. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. When he first became the stay-at-home parent, I think I had visions of a clean house and a hot meal on the table every night after work. Even though I know how much work it is to care for kids and study for university classes at the same time, that didn’t stop me from having my little fantasies. When things didn’t really turn out that way, I was a little disappointed. With time, I came to accept the fact that the state of the house was still my shared responsibility and I couldn’t expect him to get too much done during the day.
2. Everybody needs affirmation. Because I originally thought he SHOULD be cleaning the house and cooking the meals while I was “bringing home the bacon”, I often forgot to say thank you on the many occasions when he did it. Now I’ve learned that he’s much more likely to find the motivation to do it again tomorrow if I say thank you today.
3. Don’t be surprised when jealousy rears its ugly head when he knows more about the kids’ schooling than you do.   One of the hardest things for me to get used to was the fact that he gets to be more involved with the girls schooling than I do. When he volunteers in the girls’ school and gets to know their friends and teachers better than I do, I get a little jealous. Over time, though, I’ve come to realize how much richness it adds to the girls’ lives having their daddy so involved in their lives. On one of the first field trips he went on, he had about ten kids jostling each other to hold his hands. A lot of them didn’t live with their dads let alone have them come on their field trips.
4. Get used to the fact that the kids might start turning to him to fulfill their needs instead of you. I remember the first time our youngest daughter woke up in the night and called “Daddy” from her crib. I know it sounds petty, but it shook me up a bit. Especially with the oldest two, I was used to being the one they turned to first. Because the youngest has always been at home with her daddy during the day and never went to daycare, she sees Daddy as the primary “filler of her needs”. Don’t get me wrong - I learned to enjoy it when I could just roll over and go back to sleep and he’d get up to see what she wanted – but at first it hurt a little. In the end, though, I’m so glad he’s gotten the chance to know how it feels to be the centre of his little girl’s world.
5. Learn to divide the chores in a way that works for you. I leave for work in the morning before anyone else rolls out of bed, so my husband is responsible for getting the oldest two girls off to school. At first, his greatest struggle was helping them pick out clothes to wear for the day. After some negotiation, we came to an agreement – he would be responsible for making their lunches as long as I’d make sure they had clean, matching clothes laid out for them. Now that they’re a little older, they can pick out their own clothes AND make their own lunches so we’re even better off than before.
6. Come to some understanding about who’s responsible for keeping track of the family’s calendar. At the beginning of this arrangement, it seemed like things were often falling through the cracks. Permission slips wouldn’t get signed by the deadline, the girls’ homework didn’t always get done, appointments were missed, etc. Neither of us is particularly organized, so it was a struggle to stay on top of things. When we were both working, I’d normally pick the girls up at daycare, and so I’d be the one to hear about what they needed for the next day, what things were due, etc. Now that they got home before I did, I was assuming they were communicating this information to dad. In the meantime, he assumed I was still staying on top of things. It took us awhile to figure this out, but thankfully, he started taking ownership of the issue, and now I can relax knowing he’s paying attention to all those little details.  That doesn’t mean I’m exempt from them – it just means I can trust him to make sure they’re not overlooked.
7. Be honest about your expectations and struggles. I guess this is the kind of tip that could be in any “making your marriage work” list, but I’ve found it to be particularly useful for our arrangement. Shortly after my husband quit his job, he started taking classes a few nights a week. On at least one of the other nights of the week, I thought it was fair for me to expect some time to be away from the kids – whether I needed to get some shopping done or just wanted an evening out with friends. I think he thought that since I was away from the girls 40 hours a week, I should want to be with them every evening and weekend, and that I should want to be with him when he wasn’t at school. I had to be honest and explain to him that I still needed some away-from-home time – even if it was just a few hours on Saturday afternoon to run some errands. Now that he understands what my expectations are, he’s okay with it. The same goes for him – if he’s had a tough day putting up with the girls, I have to be okay with it if he disappears as soon as I get home.
8. Understand what gives you personal value. I’m not sure I could be a happy stay-at-home parent, because I need some external source of validation and stimulation. I know it sounds shallow, but that’s the way I am. I get frustrated really easily if I never feel like I’m accomplishing anything, and housework that needs to be repeated over and over again makes my skin crawl. I’d start getting cranky if every day was a repeat of the day before. My husband doesn’t seem to need that to the same degree. He gets great joy from taking his daughter to the playground, volunteering at school, etc. It also helps that he’s been a University student the whole time he’s been a stay-at-home dad because his brain is continually challenged.
9. Be prepared for his needs for adult interaction to increase. When we were both working full time, we’d come home tired and over-stimulated, so the precious hour or two between the girls bedtime and ours was often spent in mutual silence. After the chores were done, we’d zone out behind books or in front of the TV or computer. After he became the stay-at-home parent, however, he started to want more conversation and interaction when the two of us were alone. Since I was at work all day interacting with people, and then with the kids all evening, I mostly wanted silence. We’ve had to adjust our expectations – he’s learned to recognize when it’s best not to try to engage me in conversation and I’m trying to learn to put down my book or step away from the computer when he needs to talk. We’re still learning, and I still screw it up occasionally. Like the other night when he went to bed without me because I’d ignored him all evening.
10. Some things are hard to let go.   We’ve managed to let go of most “gender roles” and found the spots that fit each of us best regardless of what tradition or society suggests. The other day, for example, we had friends over for supper and they were rather surprised that, first of all he’d prepared the whole meal, and secondly, he was the one who got up to make and serve coffee. It was funny, when I recognized their surprise, realizing that it was still fairly out-of-the-ordinary for a man to take on that role. While we have found a groove that works for us, there are still some people who show surprise and perhaps a tiny bit of disapproval when he’s the one volunteering at school, playing with our youngest at the playground, etc. My mother-in-law, for example, isn’t too fond of the idea that her son is letting his wife be the breadwinner in the family. Even when you’re comfortable with your choices, don’t expect everyone else to “get it”. That’s just life.