A Childs Suicide attempt, Through a mothers eyes.

I wanted to share this with all out there in the Minti community. This is about something that I would not even wish on my worst enemy. This is something that should be shared but. I am a mother of a teenager. I am a good mum caring, reliable, always there for my child and they always come first in my eyes. But this is a recent incident that I had no control over what so ever. I will tell you how it happened.

My teenager had a couple of their mates over. Just two and they were having a quiet night minding their own business listening to music and playing playstation and computer. I wandered down to the room and chatted with them all for a couple of minutes and then started to play the playstation also with one of the mates. My teenager then walked out of the room and I followed to see all was alright. My teenager seemed fine just a little low and not feeling themselves. They asked for some alone time to which I said okay but you know where I am.  I left them for their alone time. One of the mates went to check and walked around the back . The mate yelled for help and the other mate and I ran to see what the commotion was all about. The sight I saw was one that was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever seen in my life. Here was my child, my baby even though a teenager hanging from a rope from my verandah. They were spluttering and fighting for air with froth coming from thier mouth. It was as if I was looking into a movie of something that was not real. If that is understandable to all.

I ran to my teens side along with the mates and held my child up with them as a knife was gotten to cut them down. The rope could not be undone it was too tight and was still tight after the rope was cut. We quickly struggled to loosen the noose from my childs neck and as they lay on the ground I cried and cried. The police arrived and took my teenager away as my child yelled abuse at me that I should have left them there to die just left them to hang. That night I felt emotions I have never felt before and I wanted to share them here with you all.

Being a teenager is a really hard time in our lives. Do you remember how hard it was yourself? How everything seemed like it was the end of the world? How one thing could fester in your mind and turn into a huge and scary problem. Something that seems minimal to an adult is always larger to a teenager. This is a mothers thoughts but looking into a suicide attempt of one of their children.

I sat there and I thought for a while and felt kind of numb. I really could not think just how I felt at that time. I had my teenagers mates crying and myself thinking I need to protect these children. I need to help them to get through this too. My child was in the safest place there was the hospital and I had these two teenagers needing someone to fall back on for support. I just could not break down at that time. They cried as I hugged them and then all of a sudden I felt this great ball of anger inside of me. I was mad at my child for trying to kill themselves. I was fuming and I felt so angry I started to shake. Why was I feeling this way? Why was I not feeling sorry for how bad my child was feeling that they felt the only way out was to end it? Well the counsellors say its normal. I was angry with them for not coming to me and telling me how they felt for not giving me the chance to sort it for not even thinking of the people they would have left behind if they had of succeeded. Then came the feelings of relief and happiness. I was relieved we found my teenager on time and happy that they didn't succeed. I was also happy that my child was somewhere with professionals that knew how to deal with this. Then came the guilt. Why this and why that it must have been my fault if only I was a better mother then it would not have happend. I soon snapped out of that thought. I soon with help from wonderful  friends and counsellors knew that this was no fault of my own. there was no reason for me to feel guilt at all. Then the sadness set in I felt so sad for anyone that felt their life was bad enough to end it.

I have now talked to alot of people who have had similar things happen to them some were not as lucky as me and held their childs lifeless body as they felt all the emotions welling inside them. I was one of the lucky ones. You see if your child becomes suicidal, sometimes it can be a cry for help. Sometimes it can be a I just want to end it all attempt. I believe my childs attempt was a call for help to get me to listen. I do listen but obviously I didn't hear what they were saying exactly. Or they never conveyed it the correct way for me to understand.

I never want to see this sort of thing happen again to my child. Obviously becuase I love them but also because of the stesses that it has caused in our family. The fear of not wanting to go to sleep for myself until they are. The fear of waking in the morning and not finding them in their bed instead hanging somewhere around my home. I still have alot of work to do to overcome those fears and work through this whole ordeal but I wanted to share it with you all right now.

Just as a small end note to this advice. If someone wants to end it all for real there is nothing you or anyone else can do. That was told to me by the psychiatrist. Some people just have that feeling and no matter how many times you interfere with their attempts or protect them they will succeed eventually. This is not your fault and you are in no way to blame for this.

I hope this is taken as advice. Take care all. And thank-you for reading this.