This is an article that I posted on my blog that was written by Laura Wells, a family studies student. I thought the article offered some good advice on temper tantrums based on solid principles. I will be placing the original article on my website Family Solutions in a couple of weeks. I own the copyright, so no worries there.
Most parents have experienced a temper tantrum; even the most even-tempered child may have a tantrum. Tantrums are demonstrations of rage, frustration, and disappointment that may be displayed through whining, crying, screaming, kicking, hitting, etc. They are a child’s effort to express their emotions.
Types of Tantrums
1. Instrumental- A child’s attempt at getting something they want.
2. Emotional- A child’s response to their frustration or anger.
Being able to identify which type of tantrum your child is expressing will help you know how to best respond. If a child is having a tantrum to get something that they want it may be best to ignore it. The last thing you would want to do is give in to them, this will just reinforce the behavior. However, if the tantrum is a result of an emotion overload your child may need your help in sorting out their feelings and may need some guidance in regaining control.
Avoiding Tantrums
1. Give appropriate attention: Spend time with your children doing things that they enjoy and listening to them. If children are getting attention from you they will not feel the need to throw a tantrum in order to get your attention. Praise children when they have good behavior.
2. Give children control: Children are trying to become more independent and need to fulfill their autonomy. Give your children control over the little things so that they feel like they have some power and this will help avoid the bigger power struggles later. However, it is important that you only give your children options when you really mean for there to be an option. Do not ask children if they want to go to bed when it is bedtime. Tell them that it is bedtime and that we will be going to bed, but you could give them the option of wearing the blue or the red pajamas. You wouldn’t ask if they want to brush their teeth, but rather if they would like to brush their teeth before or after they put their pajamas on. These things really aren’t too important in the long run, but it gives the child the opportunity to make some decisions.
3. Off-limit things: Keep off-limit objects out of sight and when possible, out of reach. If your child can’t see the object it won’t be a temptation for them to have it.
4. Identify tantrum triggers: Pay attention to how your child is feeling. Notice when your child throws tantrums more frequently. When children are tired or hungry tantrums are more frequent. To avoid problems, schedule things around naptimes and snack. Don’t try to push your child to do more than they can handle. If they are tired and you are trying to make a “quick” trip to the store it may turn into a disaster. Set up situations that your child will be able to succeed with. Give them things that they will be able to do so that they won’t be overwhelmed by everything that they can’t do. Try to intervene before it is too late.
5. Don’t always say “no”: Children get frustrated when they are always told no. When it is reasonable to do so, say “yes”. By saying yes to your children when possible it will let them know that when you say no you mean it and it will be more likely that they will be able to accept the no. You may say no to this request, but they still have hope that next time you will say yes to something else.
6. Predictability: Children need some structure in their lives. Set up schedules, traditions, and routines to follow so that children can know what will come next. Give warnings. When an activity is about to end or something is about to begin let the children know in advance so that they can prepare for it. If the experience is new for the child tell them what to expect and what is going to happen before they ever get there. This will help lower children’s stress levels.
Dealing with Tantrums
There are many different ways to deal with your child’s tantrum. Different techniques will fit different situations and different children. Try to figure out which tantrum you child is expressing and what is causing it.
1. Be Patient: If you loose your temper it will just make the situation worse. Keep your sense of humor, try to see the good. Be consistent and calm in your approach. If you must remove your child from the situation, do so calmly but firmly. Do not let them hurt you in their flailing.
2. Wait it out: If the tantrum is instrumental ignore the behavior. Make sure that your child is in an area where they will not hurt themselves or others, but continue doing what you are doing. Do not leave them alone or they may feel abandoned and overwhelmed by their feelings. Stay insight but keep busy. Many tantrums are escalated by attention and if they realize no one is watching they will quickly move onto something else more productive. Be aware that your child may just be trying to get to you. Don’t reward the behavior.
3. Holding: If the tantrum is emotional holding your child may be effective. The feeling of your arms around them may help calm them down. Say what they can’t. Voice what they may be feeling.
After the tantrum has passed do not reward the child by giving in to what they want or they will learn that all they have to do is have a tantrum and then they will be rewarded when they stop. You may reward them by verbally praising them for regaining control of their emotions.
Getting Help
According to Nemours Foundation you should seek help if:
- You have questions about what you're doing or what your child is doing.
- Frequency, intensity, or duration of tantrums increases
- Your child is frequently hurting himself or herself or others. Your child is destructive.
- You think your child may have a mood disorder.
Remember tantrums are a normal stage in your child’s development and aren’t usually cause for concern. Most children will naturally grow out of the habit of throwing tantrums as they develop and learn other ways of expressing themselves.
References: Galvin, Mary L. MD. Feb. 2005. Kids Health - Tantrums Harrington, Robert G. “Temper Tantrums: Guidelines for Parents.” 17 May 2007. http://www.nasponline.org/resources/behavior/tantrums_ho.aspx. Raising Children Network. 17 May 2007.
(July 2007) (
