Marital Abuse...How can you stay neutral?

When I was going through my breakup, everything was a mass of confusion to me

I had "friends" tell me they would stand by us both

I accepted this

However at the same time, those very words stabbed at me!
 
If my

friend came to me saying she was being abused....

What would I do?????

One way I have found of coping with the fallout of my broken marriage is to look at the whole chapter as a way of sieving through my friends and only keeping my true friends with me, it was a huge shock to see just how many friends didn't stay.
Even those who believed that they were staying neutral by supporting us both.

I have news for them

When friends take a neutral stand between both parties of an abusive relationship, they are actually supporting the abuser and abandoning the victim
After all the signal you are sending the victim is that the abuser is not a bad person, it is the victim who is at fault
Likewise the signal you are sending the abuser is that they are not the ones that need the help and abuser programmes
You can claim all you like that by helping both you are staying neutral, but unless you are telling the abuser to get help and the victim to seek counselling and strength to leave the relationship. You are most definitely NOT neutral

Family Members of the Abuser cannot claim to be opposed to abuse, whilst at the same time sheltering the abuser
Again you are indicating to the Abuser that it is not all their fault
Of course family members want to help each other in times of trouble, but the best help you can give them is to get them on an abusers programme

Always be very cautious of people who claim they have been wrongly accused of abuse
Of course there are some cases of lying people who make up claims by way of revenge etc
But the biggest majority of allegations are likely to be true
Remember that there is no stereotypical abuser!
The character of an abuser is almost always someone who "doesn't seem the type"

Maybe you believe the argument that "they are human too and so equally deserving of emotional support"
But this should never be used as an excuse to support abuse
Don't ever buy into claims by an abuser that holding them accountable for the abuse is also an act of cruelty
Again, the best way to give them the emotional support they deserve would be to get them onto an abusers programme

Children too, struggle when there are mutual friends to an abusive relationship, my sons get very angry, they are caught between loyalty to both parents and see those who keep in touch with both sides as disloyal to them. They want people to stand up and be counted for either parent, so they as children know who they can turn to.
My boys view those who were trying to befriend myself and my Ex as spies and traitors!!!!

Everytime their dad takes them to the home of someone who was once my friend, they feel tremendous guilt to me. They feel they are letting me down.

Would you wish that on anyones children let alone your own!!!!!

The friends I have now, I know are my True Friends
I once had a letter from someone who used to be my friend, she claimed she was trying to help us both, by having coffee with me and having him around for meals too. When I told her I couldn't cope with that kind of friend and that I needed people who could be there for me, that is when she sent the letter to me, she wrote that one day I would find out who my True Friends were.......She was right. I did.........Funny her name isn't there!!!!!!


So what would I do?????
I hope I would have the strength to believe and stand up for the victim of the abuse and also strongly encourage the abuser to get help

I feel I would also have to make a choice.
How do I believe????
Because it is impossible for them both to be speaking the truth.

The only trap as far as I can see is like in my case
If the abuser admits what they did yet plead it was a one off and how sorry they are and how it will never happen again!!!

Here is a statistic to remember and think about
In almost all cases of Marital Abuse, the abuse will occur a minimum of 36 times before the victim will finally say that is enough!!!!!!!