Some dear dear friends of ours suffered a miscarriage, and like the amazingly considerate and resourceful people they are, despite their own sadness, they sent a letter to each of us before we could all descend on them. This letter detailed their condition and gently outlined how we could support them
without being overbearing, and skirting faux pas. I for one was extremely moved by their thoughtfulness. Following the letter, they included a list of suggestions provided to them by the nurses.
Since then, they have been blessed with a lovely little girl, whom they are thoroughly enjoying their time with. Also since then, many other friends and acquaintances of ours have experienced miscarriages, with different levels of and reactions to the grief, and I find myself referring back to that letter and the suggestions that follow it for advice.
Of course, every person is a little different, and the way they handle hardship is as unique as they are.
The list is as follows:
Do’s and Don’ts - Suggestions for Helping Grieving Families
Do’s
Do listen more than you talk
Do allow for silence
Do contact/call us when you say you will
Do be genuine and caring
Do allow them to express their feelings and tell their story without passing judgement
Do reach out to bereaved parents and acknowledge their loss
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much
Do ask about other family members
Do ask if they have any special requests of you
Do remember them on special occasions and give a call to let them know you were thinking of them
Don’ts
Don’t dominate the conversation
Don’t ask one question after another without a break
Don’t use clichés:
I know just how you feel.
You can always have another
At least you didn’t really know your baby
This will bring you closer
This was God’s will
Don’t lose faith
Don’t pass judgement (“You should be feeling better by now”)
Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable (avoidance adds pain)
Don’t change the subject when they talk about their dead child
Don’t answer a question you don’t have the answer to
Don’t give advice, particularly medical or legal, unless you are a doctor or a lawyer
Don’t make comments that suggest they or their baby received inadequate care
Don’t talk only with the mother (the father’s need support too)
Don’t personalize comments but identify emotions (“It sounds like you’re pretty angry”)
What you can say:
“I’m sad for you.”
“How are you doing with all of this?”
“This must be hard for you.”
“What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m here and I want to listen.”
What not to say:
“You’re young, you can have others.”
“You have an angel in heaven.”
“This happened for the best.”
“Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby.”
“There was something wrong with the baby anyway.”
Don’t call the baby a “fetus” or “it”.
How you can help:
Listen
Touch
Cry with us
Offer to furnish a meal.
Remember them on their baby’s due date and death day anniversaries.
Never forget.
Remember – it’s never too late for expressing your feelings to the family about the loss of their baby.
(July 2006) (
